Estrangement Ideology: Common Terms
"I don't even know what they are saying." - Understanding the words and terms of Estrangement Ideology.
This is a part of a series of articles concerning Estrangement Ideology. Key concepts are introduced in Part 1. Tenets, Goals and Methods; Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values; and Part 3. The One-Sided Path to Redemption. Other parts can be found here.
This lexicon of terms commonly used illustrates how Estrangement Ideology leverages therapeutic language to validate individual experiences and justify estrangement. These terms provide a framework that reinterprets familial conflict through a therapeutic lens, often shifting the focus toward personal empowerment and emotional safety while framing parents’ behaviours as problematic or harmful. The significance of these terms lies in their ability to create a shared vocabulary that strengthens community identity and reinforces estrangement narratives.
Accountability:
Definition: The responsibility to acknowledge harm, take ownership of actions, and demonstrate reparative behaviour.
Example: "Reconciliation is only possible if the parent takes full accountability for the emotional harm they caused."
Significance: Often positioned as a non-negotiable requirement for reconciliation, focusing primarily on the parent’s responsibility.
Ambiguous Grief:
Definition: A type of grief experienced when a loss is not clearly defined or lacks closure, such as in estrangement.
Example: "Parents of estranged children often experience ambiguous grief, mourning a relationship that still technically exists."
Significance: Highlights the emotional complexity of estrangement, where the absence of physical loss complicates the grieving process and creates ongoing emotional pain.
Boundaries:
Definition: Personal rules or limits set to protect one’s emotional safety and autonomy.
Example: "I’ve set firm boundaries with my parents because they constantly overstep and invalidate my feelings."
Significance: Central to Estrangement Ideology, boundaries are presented as moral imperatives and essential tools for maintaining emotional health.
Cycle Breaking:
Definition: The act of ending generational patterns of dysfunction or abuse within families.
Example: "Going no-contact was my way of breaking the cycle of emotional neglect that’s plagued our family for generations."
Significance: Used to justify estrangement as a transformative act of self-preservation and systemic change.
DARVO:
Definition: An acronym for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender," describing a pattern of defensive behaviour where an individual denies wrongdoing, attacks the accuser and portrays themselves as the victim.
Example: "When I brought up how hurt I felt, my parent DARVOed me by saying I was the one being unfair and overly critical."
Significance: Commonly used to characterise parental responses to grievances, reinforcing the narrative of parents as manipulative or emotionally abusive.
Emotional Immaturity:
Definition: A perceived lack of emotional regulation, empathy or self-awareness in parents.
Example: "My mother’s emotional immaturity makes it impossible to have a healthy conversation about our past."
Significance: Pathologises parental behaviour, framing it as a barrier to reconciliation.
Emotional Safety:
Definition: A state in which one feels protected from emotional harm or invalidation.
Example: "I chose to go no-contact because maintaining emotional safety is my top priority."
Significance: Justifies estrangement as a means of safeguarding mental and emotional well-being.
Gaslighting:
Definition: Manipulative behaviour intended to make someone doubt their perceptions or memories.
Example: "When I confronted my father about his past actions, he accused me of being overly sensitive. It’s classic gaslighting."
Significance: Frames parental dismissiveness or denial as deliberate manipulation, reinforcing the justification for estrangement.
Inner Child:
Definition: A psychological concept referring to the unmet emotional needs or traumas of one’s childhood self.
Example: "Healing my inner child required me to distance myself from the people who hurt me the most."
Significance: Highlights the impact of past familial relationships on current emotional health, often used to validate estrangement.
Invalidation:
Definition: The dismissal or undermining of someone’s emotions, experiences, or perspectives.
Example: "Whenever I share my feelings with my mother, she invalidates me by saying I’m overreacting."
Significance: Portrayed as a common parental behaviour that contributes to estrangement.
Low Contact (LC):
Definition: A strategy of maintaining minimal interaction with a family member to manage boundaries while avoiding full estrangement.
Example: "I decided to go low contact with my parents, only speaking to them on major holidays to reduce stress."
Significance: Often seen as a middle ground between maintaining a relationship and severing ties, allowing for limited engagement on the estranged individual’s terms.
No-Contact (NC):
Definition: The act of severing all communication with a family member to protect emotional well-being.
Example: "Going no-contact was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was necessary for my healing."
Significance: A core concept in estrangement ideology, often framed as a last resort but increasingly normalised.
Reparative Actions:
Definition: Steps taken to acknowledge harm and repair a damaged relationship.
Example: "I told my dad that unless he takes reparative actions, I’m not ready to reconnect."
Significance: Often required from parents as evidence of accountability and commitment to change.
Self-Reflection:
Definition: The process of examining one’s own behaviours, intentions, and impact on others.
Example: "Until my mom shows she’s done the necessary self-reflection, I can’t trust her."
Significance: Positioned as a prerequisite for parents to demonstrate growth and understanding.
Toxic:
Definition: Describes relationships or behaviours that are harmful, manipulative, or emotionally damaging.
Example: "I’ve cut out all toxic people from my life, starting with my parents."
Significance: Broadly applied to justify estrangement, often without nuanced analysis of intent or context.
Trauma:
Definition: Emotional wounds caused by adverse experiences, often in childhood.
Example: "Unpacking my childhood trauma made me realise how much my parents contributed to my anxiety."
Significance: Central to the therapeutic framing of estrangement, reinforcing the need for boundaries and self-care.
Unresolved Conflict:
Definition: Disputes or issues that remain unaddressed or unresolved over time, often leading to emotional distance or estrangement.
Example: "The unresolved conflict between us made every conversation feel like walking on eggshells."
Significance: Highlights the lingering impact of unaddressed relational issues, often used to justify the necessity of boundaries or no-contact decisions.
Validation:
Definition: The acknowledgment and affirmation of someone’s emotions or experiences.
Example: "For the first time, a therapist validated how hurtful my parents’ actions were."
Significance: Often demanded from parents as part of reparative actions or accountability.
I disagree with the idea that using terms like "toxic," "going no-contact," or "flying monkeys" strengthens community identity and reinforces estrangement narratives in a negative way. People in many difficult situations, whether recovering from abuse, dealing with addiction, or processing grief, develop shared language to articulate their experiences. That doesn’t mean they’re fueling estrangement; it means they’re making sense of what they’ve been through.
Framing this as a problem seems like yet another way to shift responsibility onto estranged adult children, rather than examining why these terms resonate so strongly in the first place. Instead of asking whether the language reinforces estrangement, shouldn’t we be asking why so many people feel the need to use it?