Estrangement Ideology – Part 16. Yes, Some Parents are Far From Perfect
Real vs lesser harms in estrangement: Can we differentiate justifiable, and ideological or socially performed estrangement?
This is the sixteenth in a series of articles concerning Estrangement Ideology. Key concepts are introduced in Part 1. Tenets, Goals and Methods; Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values; and Part 3. The One-Sided Path to Redemption. Other parts can be found here.
Having worked through a few hundred threads in the Reddit Estranged Adult Child forums, it is obvious that they present a wide range of estrangement narratives—some detailing clear cases of abuse and neglect, while others reflect generational conflicts, ideological disagreements and unmet emotional expectations.
In addressing the question of genuine harm, I have also taken into account a comment on one of my other articles which reflects the need to consider the long-term lived experiences that led many of the participants to the forums, specifically:
“Those communities are full of folks who have had an entire process of lived experience prior to their joining an online space. Which tends to color the type of language in those communities, because everyone is using a type of shorthand based on their shared point in the process…” [My thanks to Lisa P.]
Reading the accounts and exchanges on the Reddit forums, it is obvious that a lot of people in them carry years of pain and emotional hurt. However, given the echo chamber nature of these forums and the reference to the ideas of Estrangement Ideology and perhaps overly therapeutic interpretations of normal life events, it is important to differentiate between justifiable estrangement due to serious harm and cases where estrangement appears to stem from emotional reinterpretation, ideological rigidity or unrealistic parental expectations.
In interpreting these accounts, a key consideration is also the one-sided nature of how these accounts are presented and how social constructions within the forum reinforce estrangement as the primary solution, regardless of the seriousness or reality of the claimed harm.
Justifiable Estrangement: Evidence of Serious Physical and Emotional Abuse
In some threads, estrangement emerges as a necessary protective measure due to clear patterns of severe harm, including physical abuse, emotional cruelty and neglect. These cases highlight situations where estrangement is a rational response to an unsafe or destructive upbringing.
Example: Physical abuse leading to estrangement
In a thread titled “My mother is pure evil”, the poster recounts violent punishments that instilled lasting trauma:
“She used to hit me so hard I’d see stars, and then she’d tell me it was my fault for making her mad. I learned early that crying only made it worse.”
Example: Fear-driven childhood trauma
In a thread titled “I have a lot of confusing emotions to process regarding my estranged parents”, the poster describes a pattern of physical punishment that resulted in fear-based coping mechanisms:
“I don’t know why I still think about my dad. He used to beat us with a belt, and I remember hiding in my closet just hoping he wouldn’t come looking for me.”
Example: Psychological abuse through gaslighting and DARVO
In a thread titled “Mental health”, a poster describes how their parents invalidated their struggles, leading to deep-seated emotional insecurity:
“Every time I tried to talk to my mom about feeling depressed, she’d roll her eyes and tell me I was ‘being dramatic.’ I started to believe her—that I was just weak or broken.”
Example: Complete parental abandonment
In a thread titled “My mom cut off contact with me after my sister died”, a poster shares how their mother stopped engaging with them entirely after the loss of a sibling:
“After my sister died, my mom just stopped talking to me. She moved on like I didn’t exist. I tried calling, texting—nothing. I guess she only had room to grieve for one kid.”
In these cases, it would seem that estrangement could be an entirely justified response, as the parental behaviours described cross the line from imperfection into genuine harm. These accounts involve:
Physical violence and fear-based discipline—such as beatings, threats
Gaslighting, DARVO and emotional invalidation—such as minimising distress, reframing actual abuse as the child’s fault
Parental abandonment and rejection—such as emotional withdrawal after a traumatic event.
The Expansion of “Toxic Parenting”: Lesser Harms and Emotional Reframing
While some estrangement cases are based on clear harm, many others appear to stem from ideological divides, generational misunderstandings and disappointment in imperfect—but not abusive—parenting. The Reddit forum members frequently blur the distinction between trauma and emotional discomfort, reinforcing the idea that estrangement is a valid response to any parental shortcomings.
Example: Political and ideological rejection as justification for “No Contact (NC)”
In a thread titled “Hypocrite mother hates welfare people”, the poster cuts off their mother over political hypocrisy:
“She ranted for years about ‘lazy welfare people’—meanwhile, she was taking handouts whenever she needed them. The hypocrisy drove me insane. She refused to see how messed up her views were, so I walked away.”
Example: Parental conservatism framed as irredeemable
In a thread titled “They stick up for each other now”, the poster severs ties with siblings who refuse to renounce their conservative parent:
“My siblings have chosen to side with my mom, defending her bigoted views. I can’t understand how they don’t see how toxic she is. I had to cut them all off.”
Example: Estrangement over emotional neglect rather than abuse
In a thread titled “Why are they surprised”, a poster expresses anger at their father’s lack of validation:
“My dad never told me he was proud of me. Not once. Every conversation was about what I could do better. When I told him that hurt me, he just brushed it off. So I left.”
Example: Shifting childhood perceptions through a trauma lens
In a thread titled “Things you are sure are lies”, the poster reinterprets normal childhood boundaries as lifelong emotional manipulation:
“I used to think my mom was just a bit overprotective. Now I realize she was controlling me my whole life. She always had a way of making me doubt myself.”
Albeit without any access to the wider context of these relationships, these examples demonstrate how estrangement is sometimes based on evolving emotional interpretations rather than direct harm. While these experiences may have been painful or frustrating, they do not necessarily rise to the level of abuse requiring full severance of family ties. Instead, they more properly seem reflect:
Discomfort with generational differences (e.g., parents failing to emotionally validate children)
Shifting ideological lenses that pathologise parents’ worldviews
Reinterpretation of past experiences through trauma discourse.
One-Sided Narratives and Social Reinforcement of Estrangement
As mentioned above, a key issue in these accounts is that they present only one side of the story, with little room for the parent’s perspective or a more balanced interpretation. The forum structures specifically exclude alternative views and parental responses and there is a strong tendency to reinforce estrangement as the default resolution to that it becomes an identity for the Estranged Adult Child (see Part 12. The Estranged Adult Child Identity) so that being a part of the forum means living the estranged label. This fixed identity and mutual group reinforcement discourages reconciliation or deeper exploration of the relational dynamics.
Example: Framing parental inaction as rejection
In a thread titled “That realisation — that my mother has not and will never fight to keep me in her life”, a poster resents their parent for not pursuing them after they initiated NC:
“She has not fought for me, her own daughter, to keep me in her life. She clearly doesn’t want me and definitely doesn’t want to do the work.”
Example: Placing reconciliation entirely on the parent’s shoulders
In a thread titled “Threw the ball in her court”, the poster demands total acknowledgment of harm before considering reconciliation:
“I told her: if you ever want me back in your life, you need to acknowledge every single way you hurt me and apologize for all of it. Until then, don’t contact me.”
Example: Community reinforcing NC rather than allowing reflection
In a thread titled “Do you feel guilty for going no contact?”, a user expresses conflicted feelings, only to be reassured by others:
“Sometimes. But then I remind myself—if they really cared, they’d be doing the work to fix things.”
Key Issues with One-Sided Narratives:
Parents are given no opportunity to explain or defend themselves
Reconciliation is often conditional on full parental capitulation
Doubts about estrangement are shut down rather than explored.
Conclusion
The Reddit forums present a mix of serious, justifiable estrangement cases and lesser conflicts inflated into irreparable grievances. True abuse cases are distinct and may very well warrant estrangement, but many others appear to be rooted in disappointment, ideological rigidity or therapy-driven reinterpretation of normal parental imperfections.
To a reasonable observer, these may be divided as follows:
✔ Where estrangement is justified:
Physical violence, emotional cruelty, and neglect
Parental abandonment during critical moments
Long-term patterns of control or manipulation.
✖ Where estrangement is more ideological than protective:
Parents failing to meet modern emotional expectations
Political and generational disagreements
Reinterpreting past childhood experiences as harmful through therapy frameworks.
These patterns indicate that while estrangement might be a reasonable and sound solution in some cases, it is increasingly being normalised for lesser reasons, leading to unnecessary familial fractures and long-term emotional distress. While some estrangement cases clearly stem from serious harm, many others raise the following questions:
Was full estrangement the only—or best—solution?
Could alternative approaches—such as clearer communication, firm but flexible boundaries or mediated reconciliation—have prevented the severing of family ties?
Instead, the forum’s echo chamber effect and therapeutic framing can be seen to estrangement as the default response, reinforcing a binary view of relationships as either “safe” or “toxic.”
Do stringent “No Contact” boundaries truly bring peace, or do they deepen resentment, prolong emotional distress and create a lingering sense of loss?
In prioritising personal validation over relational repair, has estrangement been made too easy, too encouraged and too irreversible?
The next article will focus on evidence from the forums of long-term negative emotional effects on the Estranged Adult Children from taking the estrangement path.
Note: This article was developed with assistance of ChatGPT, used as a structured analysis and writing tool. All ideas, interpretations and final outputs were authored, verified and edited by me. The model was conditioned to reflect my reasoning, not to generate content independently.