Estrangement Ideology – Part 9. The Emotional Immaturity Paradox

The paradox of how accusations of parental "emotional immaturity" reflect generational fragility, neurodivergence, modern day priggishness and cultural shifts.

This is the ninth in a series of articles concerning Estrangement Ideology. Key concepts are introduced in Part 1. Tenets, Goals and Methods; Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values; and Part 3. The One-Sided Path to Redemption. Other parts can be found here.

Estrangement Ideology is defined in Parts 1, 2 and 3 of this series of articles as a cultural framework that normalises and valorises severing familial ties by prioritising “personal autonomy”, “emotional safety”, and rigid “boundary-setting” over relational repair, mutual accountability and traditional family obligations.

A key mechanism in this ideology is the pathologisation of parental behaviours, including frequently castigating parents for their purported “emotional immaturity” forums, such as Reddit. These narratives of parental emotional and communications deficit are supported through the use of therapeutic language and terminology.

On the contrary, the and the language and behaviours exhibited on the forums used by these adult children they are observed to exhibit signs of emotional fragility, priggishness and neurodivergence, suggesting a type of psychological projection of the users’ own emotional states and levels of emotional maturity.

The Accusation: Parents as Emotionally Immature

In estrangement narratives on forums like Reddit, the term “emotional immaturity” frequently emerges as a critique of traditional parental behaviours reinterpreted through a therapeutic lens. It is often used to describe parents who are perceived as incapable of adapting to their adult child’s needs, such as empathising with their perspectives, respecting newly established and unilaterally defined “boundaries” or failing to take the expected steps to establish their “accountability” for purported past transgressions or emotional damage caused.

For instance, one Reddit user remarked, “My parents refuse to grow up and handle their emotions properly; they always make everything about them,” framing parental expressions of hurt or frustration as self-centred rather than reflective of genuine emotional pain. Similarly, another post described a parent’s concern as manipulative, stating, “Every time they give advice, it’s just a way to control my life.”

These accusations often stem from unresolved grievances or heightened sensitivities, leading to subjective interpretations of parental actions. Normal behaviours like expressing worry or seeking reconciliation are recast as “toxic”, intrusive and highlighting a generational shift in relational dynamics where traditional parental roles are pathologised instead of being seen as part of complex, multi-faceted relationships. This framing reinforces the narrative that estrangement is not just a choice but a necessity for “self-preservation”, dismissing the possibility of mutual growth or understanding.

Some of the stories on Reddit describing parental behaviour are indeed concerning and may reflect genuine cases of parental overreach, abuse or neglect, warranting some form of response or mediated intervention. However, based on what is shared about these situations, there is limited support for the description of parents as “emotionally immature” in either a practical or therapeutic sense. It must also be remembered that these narratives totally lack the balancing perspective of the parents involved, leaving the accounts one-sided and open to potential misinterpretation or exaggeration of relational conflicts.

Generational Fragility and Emotional Challenges

Cultural shifts in parenting and societal norms have increasingly prioritised emotional safety and validation, fostering a generation less equipped to handle relational discomfort and conflict. Arguably, the rise of “helicopter parenting”, where children were shielded from challenges or failures, has contributed to a fragile emotional framework, where discomfort is often perceived as harm.

This fragility is evident in the avoidance of conflict and the preference for estrangement as a first resort rather than engaging in repair. For example:

• Blocking communication as avoidance: "I blocked them because I just can’t deal with their drama anymore." Illustrating a tendency for avoidance rather than engaging in conflict resolution.

• Framing conflict as intolerable harm: "Every interaction with them feels like an attack on my mental health. I had no choice but to cut them off." Reflecting a possibly hyperbolic tendency to equate relational discomfort with harm, bypassing efforts at repair and absolving them from having to address underlying issues directly.

• Overemphasis on emotional safety: "I needed to prioritize my emotional safety, and that meant cutting them out completely." Highlighting a potential lack of emotional resilience in navigating complex relationships.

• Pathologising normal relational dynamics: "Even their apologies feel manipulative. I just can’t trust them anymore." Suggesting a rigid interpretation of behaviour inconsistent with the expected response.

The normalisation of therapeutic language, such as “toxic” and “emotional safety”, perpetuates a culture of victimhood where personal growth is secondary to “self-preservation.” Recourse to therapeutic concepts and language tends to amplify the sense of victimhood and, paradoxically, reduce resilience by focusing attention on the goal of achieving emotional “validation” instead of working to actually repair the relationship. These efforts to achieve emotional validation are further amplified by use of echo-chambers such as the Reddit forums to express feelings and complaints. These behaviours can be seen to reflect the adult-child’s own emotional fragility, unresolved internal struggles and societal conditioning, which also play significant roles in estrangement dynamics.

Additionally, it is important to place the rise of Estrangement Ideology in terms of the context of the last 5 years. In this regard, it is clear that the COVID-19 pandemic and its associated governmental responses, such as lockdowns and isolation, intensified generational fragility by amplifying relational strains and emotional disconnection within families. Divergent interpretations of pandemic-related events, such as vaccine policies and public health measures, further deepened conflicts, often leading to estrangement as individuals struggled to navigate heightened stress and differing worldviews.

Evidence of generational conflict related to pandemic responses and broader political divides can be readily observed in Reddit threads and wider social media narratives, such as:

• Blaming “Boomers” for societal issues: Younger generations frequently cite "Boomer" attitudes as a source of familial and societal discord, often labelling them as resistant to change or out of touch with modern values. For example, a sentiment often expressed in forums is, “They refuse to believe the science because they’re stuck in their outdated Boomer mindset.”

• Political polarisation: Accusations of alignment with controversial political movements or figures, such as QAnon or Donald Trump, often serve as points of conflict. Posts reflecting statements like, “My parents believe in QAnon conspiracies, and I can’t even have a conversation with them anymore without it turning into a fight,” highlight how political divides exacerbate generational tensions.

• Pandemic isolation and divergent worldviews: The pandemic’s enforced isolation intensified family conflicts as differences in interpreting the pandemic’s causes and implications created rifts. Comments such as, “They kept calling the lockdowns unnecessary and said I was overreacting for staying home,” illustrate how divergent views on COVID-19 measures strained relationships.

The apparent inability to address these issues in a mature and constructive way—often replaced by actions like setting one-sided “boundaries” to limit conversation, enforcing “No Contact (NC)” to cut off communication entirely or resorting to performative public shaming on social media—highlights an underlying emotional fragility and lack of maturity.

The Likely Role of Neurodivergence

Analysis of the Reddit threads provides evidence of stereotypical signs of neuro-divergent traits. In this respect, the increasing prevalence and awareness of neurodivergence, particularly ADHD and ASD, among the Reddit focused (20–40 years) age group provides another lens through which to interpret the various accusations and behaviours evident in the discussions about estrangement.

Neurodivergent individuals often experience unique challenges in managing family relationships, which potentially contribute to conflict and estrangement. For those with ADHD, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation and heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism may amplify familial tensions. Within this frame, it is possible to imagine how an ADHD-related struggle to regulate emotions could easily lead to quick decisions, such as estrangement, without fully considering the long-term implications. For instance, one Reddit user expressed, “I just need space; they don’t get how overwhelming they are.” This expression of being overwhelmed by parents, illustrates a sense of emotional saturation that may drive impulsive boundary-setting as a coping mechanism.

Similarly, ASD traits, such as black-and-white thinking, difficulty navigating relational nuance and sensory overload, can exacerbate family conflicts and influence estrangement decisions. Individuals on the autism spectrum may interpret parental behaviour in rigid terms, viewing minor disagreements as irreconcilable or dismissing well-intentioned actions as manipulative. A Reddit participant stated, “I can’t handle their tone—it feels like an attack every time”, illustrating how sensory sensitivities and difficulty with social nuance could easily magnify perceived conflicts. Likewise, individuals with ASD often struggle to accurately identify and interpret others’ emotional states and intentions, which can lead to misunderstandings and exacerbate relational conflicts. This hypersensitivity and diminished emotional competence—combined with recently prevalent societal narratives emphasising “emotional safety” and “boundary-setting”—can easily make estrangement feel like the only viable solution for maintaining psychological equilibrium.

Neurodivergence, when compounded by cultural shifts prioritising autonomy and individual well-being, creates a context where estrangement becomes a normalised coping mechanism rather than a last resort. However, these traits can also complicate reconciliation efforts, as the same factors driving estrangement—emotional overwhelm, rigid thinking and sensitivity to conflict—may make navigating relationship repair highly challenging, driving the shift to demanding one-sided repair, as described in Part 3 of this series.

Priggishness in Estrangement Ideology

Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values included discussion about the “moral certitude” evident in the way Estrangement Ideology is applied to transgressions of the moral imperatives inherent in its core tenets. However, a recent article on The Origins of Wokeness by blogger Paul Graham provides a broader context and reframes this concept in terms of “priggishness”, which is defined as self-righteousness and moral superiority cloaked in performative adherence to ideological norms. This is observably a recurring feature of many of the narratives found on Reddit and other social media sites used by the estrangement community.

As discussed in Part 7, this attitude of self-righteousness and moral superiority cloaked in performative adherence is pervasive in Estrangement Ideology and often manifests as an unwavering belief in the adult child’s moral authority over their parents, with little room for nuance or relational compromise. For instance, a Reddit user stated, “They’re stuck in their toxic ways and don’t even try to change. I’m done helping them”, reflecting a rigid stance that frames the parent as irredeemably flawed. Such statements often dismiss the complexities of familial relationships, reducing parental actions to a simplistic narrative of toxicity while positioning the estranged child as the sole arbiter of relational ethics. The tone frequently implies not just disapproval but moral condemnation, creating a dynamic where any attempt by the parent to engage or explain is pre-emptively invalidated.

Other examples include:

• Self-righteous dismissal of parents: Quotes like "They’ll never change because they’re stuck in their toxic ways" reflect a moral superiority that disregards any possibility for parental growth or alternate perspectives. This aligns with the broader stereotype of older generations as irredeemable "Boomers", unfit to navigate the modern moral or emotional landscape. One user described their parent’s emotional outreach as "classic DARVO manipulation", showing a superficial application of therapy jargon to delegitimise their parent's perspective without any sign of introspection by the person making the claim.

• Reliance on Experts as Validation: Reddit posts often cite therapists or popular psychology books to justify estrangement, such as “My therapist said I should never let them back into my life unless they completely admit their wrongdoing.” This reliance on external validation over personal reflection showcases a performative aspect of moral authority, echoing the priggish focus on ideological conformity described in The Origins of Wokeness article.

• Derision Couched in Moral Terms: Adult children often mock their parents’ generational traits, with phrases like "typical Boomer entitlement", reinforcing generational stereotypes while dismissing nuanced familial dynamics. This mirrors the broader priggish tendency to enforce new social norms by attacking perceived violations, regardless of context or intention.

• Unyielding Boundary-Setting: The framing of boundaries as absolute and non-negotiable is another hallmark of this priggish attitude. Statements like "If they don’t follow my rules to the letter, they’re out of my life for good" demonstrate a rigid moral code imposed unilaterally, leaving no room for relational compromise or mutual growth.

This aura of priggishness is further reinforced by the therapeutic validation that estranged adult children frequently employ. For example, another user wrote, “My therapist said I owe them nothing because they’ve never been accountable.” This reliance on external authority to justify estrangement underscores a rather immature performative dimension, where the child’s decision is framed as both morally and clinically superior.

Such attitudes can be seen to contribute to an environment of moral rigidity, where reconciliation becomes contingent on the parent’s full acknowledgment of wrongdoing, demonstrations of “accountability” and adherence to the child’s terms. By adopting a perspective of inflexible moral superiority, adult children absolve themselves of any relational accountability, reinforcing a one-sided dynamic that prioritises their “emotional safety” over mutual growth or understanding.

Generational Stereotyping: “Boomer” Narratives

The Reddit threads and other allied estrangement oriented articles—such as by therapists and counsellors—frequently reflect generational stereotyping that labels Baby Boomers as emotionally immature, resistant to change and out of touch with modern values. Comments like, “Boomers think they’re always right and never listen”, exemplify a common sentiment, casting older generations as inflexible and incapable of adapting to evolving cultural norms.

This narrative often frames Boomers’ parental authority as oppressive rather than protective, using terms like “Boomer entitlement” to suggest that they prioritise personal comfort and traditional hierarchies over progress or familial empathy. Such stereotypes are evident in posts that blame Boomers for societal failures, including climate change and economic disparities, which further entrenches the perception of older generations as self-serving and emotionally stunted.

This stereotyping not only exacerbates intergenerational conflict but also perpetuates a double standard in relational expectations. The adult children, often guided by cultural norms emphasising “autonomy” and “validation”, often accuse their parents of “emotional immaturity” while demonstrating rigid moral judgment and a lack of introspection themselves. A user remarking, “They refuse to grow or take accountability, so why should I?” highlights this paradox.

By attributing all relational failings to their parents’ perceived flaws, these narratives dismiss the complexities of familial dynamics and absolve adult children of their own responsibilities in maintaining or repairing relationships. This dynamic, reinforced by widespread societal disdain for older generations, reflects a broader cultural shift away from reciprocal respect and mutual understanding.

Therapeutic Validation

Therapeutic “validation” plays a significant role in estrangement narratives, where therapy jargon like “gaslighting” and “toxic behaviour” is frequently used to pathologise normal relational dynamics. Terms originally meant to describe clinical abuse are often applied broadly to justify estrangement decisions, reframing parental behaviours—such as giving advice or expressing concern—as “manipulative” or “harmful.” A common sentiment in Reddit threads is, “My therapist said my parents’ inability to apologize is emotional immaturity,” illustrating how external validation from therapists is used to bolster moral certainty.

While therapy can be a valuable tool for self-reflection and emotional growth, relying solely on a therapist’s perspective to resolve family issues raises questions about relational maturity. Outsourcing the responsibility of navigating emotional conflicts to a professional, rather than engaging directly with those involved, can reinforce avoidance and one-sided narratives.

This approach often neglects the parents’ emotional experiences and their potential contributions to the relationship, reducing the complexity of family dynamics to a binary of victims and perpetrators. Surely true emotional maturity involves balancing external guidance with personal accountability, fostering dialogue and considering all perspectives in relational repair.

Conclusion: The Paradox of Emotional Immaturity

The accusation of “emotional immaturity” directed at parents by estranged adult children is laden with irony when contrasted against the behaviours these children often exhibit. Actions such as public shaming, rigid boundary enforcement and avoidance of direct dialogue reflect a lack of relational maturity and emotional resilience. For example, posts on Reddit frequently describe parents’ attempts at reconciliation as “manipulative” or “toxic”, while the children simultaneously share private family matters in public forums, inviting ridicule, judgment and scorn.

These behaviours not only violate the very “boundaries” they demand from their parents but also highlight an unwillingness to engage in the difficult, nuanced work of relational repair. The use of priggish moral codes, cloaked in therapy jargon like “emotional safety” or “toxic dynamics” amplifies this paradox by framing the child as morally superior while absolving them of any introspection or accountability for their own shortcomings in the relationship.

The apparent influence of neurodivergence in the adult children using the Reddit forums, such as ADHD and ASD, can further complicate this emotional landscape, adding layers of rigidity and hypersensitivity to the dynamic. Traits like black-and-white thinking, emotional dysregulation and difficulty interpreting social nuance may exacerbate the tendency to see conflicts as insurmountable and parental actions as inherently harmful. A neurodivergent individual may genuinely struggle with navigating the complexities of relational repair, leading to decisions like estrangement as a means of coping.

This intersection of neurodivergence and priggish attitudes creates additional barriers to mutual understanding, as the rigid moral framework leaves little room for compromise or empathy. The result is a dynamic where accusations of emotional immaturity become a projection of the child’s own emotional challenges, perpetuating a cycle of unresolved conflict and deepening familial estrangement.

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Note: This article was developed with assistance of ChatGPT, used as a structured analysis and writing tool. All ideas, interpretations and final outputs were authored, verified and edited by me. The model was conditioned to reflect my reasoning, not to generate content independently.