Excellent article. May there be some hope for the future. We need to reclaim a place in this skewed field and to instil some balance and stop this as it's destroying families and societies.
Your counterstrategies seem like a great idea—a platform where there is curiosity, empathy, compassion, for both sides. This seems unrealistic to me. My personal experience in trying to learn more over the last 5 years — with one exception— has been that EC are not interested in the least about such an environment.
When I first was struggling to understand "why???" (the missing missing reasons), I joined a FB group (which I eventually left as it seemed so one-sided—think "reddit" comments, only from parents, not adult children). It also seemed like an echo chamber—but for parents. There was great hostility toward EC from parents, and I befriended ONE brave EC who spoke out about her situation out of curiosity, and more than a small amount of admiration for her to speak out in such a group, to understand her position to estrange from her mother. We became close "FB friends" I could completely empathize and understood why. Basically, her mother had estranged her, and after the daughters years of reaching out, failed.
I have come into contact with other estranged children by chance, in "real life" — not online—and they do not seem happy with the situation, yet lack any tools (or desire) to mend any rifts.
I have read Josh Coleman's book, articles (WaPo, Atlantic, NYT), follow him, attend his Zooms—and, in published articles he is often vilified in comments by EC as only supporting parents —which is NOT the case—yet that seems to be his reputation in these online communities.
I have asked open questions or made generalized comments on your articles, and other authors on Substack— without delving into personal efforts in trying to mend my relationships—and was trolled on a by one commenter who who knew nothing of my circumstances, who later deleted his/her comments.
To me, it seems similar to our polarization in the US. Where people dig in their heels, do anything to justify their decisions, avoid even talking about conflicting points of view—everything is black and white thinking. It's a bigger problem than we can imagine.
Yes, polarisation is certainly a key factor in the dire state of our societies. I'm sorry you were trolled, I have tried not to censor comments as I feel we have a lot of that going on in media these days and feel that people tend to show their own character in making such comments. The stereotyped characterisation of parents as "abusers" certainly has a lot to do with the hostility, which is one of the things we have Issendai to thank for, and a good deal of the reason I have pushed back on their writing.
How is “abuse” defined among estranged parents? All abuse is simply abuse of power. It can be emotional, psychological, financial, physical and/or sexual. It could be argued that lack of attunement is abuse because children so desperately need to be seen, heard, validated and loved unconditionally in order to develop into healthy, relational adults. Perhaps both EC And EP should begin by creating a shared definition of what constitutes an abuse of power, since the parent/child relationships is characterized by a tremendous power imbalance for decades, if not forever.
This is a good question, and starting point. I would define abuse as intentional cruelty. I would also be interested in actual examples of EC abuse relating to emotional, psychological, etc abuse. I think of the movie “Precious,” or any of the horrific stories you might read daily in a newspaper. As to power imbalance, aren’t parents supposed to be more powerful than children? How would children thrive at all without someone stronger to protect and care for them? As they grow and can care and make decisions for themselves, and gain independence—isn’t less protection and support needed—as they want to make their own choices? And , if parents didn’t love them unconditionally, how would anyone make it to adulthood?
Children only know that they are suffering. They do not know if their parent is causing them pain intentionally or unintentionally unless the parent takes immediate responsibility for their behavior and it never happens again. Constant criticism is a common form of emotional abuse that harms children tremendously. Yes, parents have more power, which is why they have to be careful with it. Many children survive to adulthood despite horrific childhoods.
Jane, Many of the parents now becoming estranged are being accused of being abusive because they were not perfect and hurt their AC's feelings. At the same time the parents are rejected for being either too involved in the AC's life, or not in tune enough. Building resilience when confronted with challenge is an important skill in life. The ideals that a child is abused because they felt discomfort only promotes conflict avoidance.
Adults are not estranging from their parents because their parents “hurt their feelings,” made them uncomfortable or were imperfect. All abuse is simply abuse of power and minimizing/dismissing/invalidating your child’s feelings or POV to maintain a position of power in the relationship is emotional abuse. Are EPs even open to the possibility that something is wrong with the way they are relating to their EC, even if it is unintentional?
I give children a little more credit to know when a parent, or anyone, is intentionally harming them. What’s perplexing is how many of these estranged adult children don’t realize their abusive childhoods until they seek online help as adults, when life is suddenly not going well for them. Blaming parents is just so darn easy.
AC generally seek out therapy and estrange because of ongoing, current problems they have with their parents. When they can’t improve the relationship, they leave.
I support non censorship for the reason you stated.
I look forward to a safe platform with all to respectfully contribute. Maybe another Reddit? If you Google estranged parents in Reddit, the EAK sites overwhelmingly appear, however, I did see one largely inactive account directed to parents asking about the circumstances surrounding their estrangement.
I'm thinking maybe a website counter to Breakaway might be a good first step. Articles redefining the concepts and maybe pieces from sympathetic therapists and stories about others who have experienced family conflict and seen their way through it. Forums are a bit too wild west, especially for a first step.
I love that idea. I also think it should also include emphasis on wanting to heal—for EAK, parents, or siblings alike—and resources as you describe—from therapists, articles and personal stories for those who seek healing and peace.
Regarding "others who have experienced family conflict and seen their way through it" : One of the many books I read when this first happened was Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer. He has a research project at Cornell and solicited family reconciliation stories. If you're not familiar with the site, here is the link: https://www.familyreconciliation.org/
In the past five years, there are about 50 stories posted with parents and siblings reconciling. I wish there were more.
I also love that idea and it is the concept that is seldomly offered on any public forum
Perhaps if we began flooding the social media stage with particles and data supporting everything that your article featured… That created an awareness of how we are being bound by the impose that narratives rather than even briefly, entertaining the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness; to concepts/words that are NEVER featured in the standardized demonation of the traditional family.
If you do begin such a forum, could you please let me know if it’s development?
There are a lot of people with narcissistic traits around and many of them are parents. We also know that intergenerational trauma exists and the pain gets passed down through the generations until someone stops it. I understand how EP could view this all as a “fad” to dismiss and mock but that isn’t getting them any closer to reconciliation. I think humility, curiosity, empathy and vulnerability would serve them better. There is a reason young adults are following this content and I think it is a mistake for EP to ignore whatever truth might be in it. How many EP were deeply hurt by their own parents and have never healed those wounds? A lot of EC are tired of being judged, criticized, compared, controlled, manipulated, invalidated, gossiped about, triangulated and/or any number of other things by their parents. I am not saying all parents do this but many do at least some and EC don’t have to stay and suffer the way previous generations had to, or felt they had to. The only thing any of us can control is ourselves. If we want our relationships to change, we need to change how we show up in them.
hmmm.. A lot written here. I don't know your personal story, but if that has happened to you, what can I say? "Heartbreaking" doesn't describe. If you wanted to share your story privately, I would be interested. Feel free to message me if you feel safe to do so.
The topic being "Estrangement Ideology," I only have this to say: It is apparent EC continue to suffer (rage, depression, sadness, guilt, shame sorrow), and the myriad therapists, online communities (which diagnostically judge parents without ever having met them, criticize them, compare them, violate any boundaries of privacy, control the narrative, manipulate the ECs POV taking away their agency, invalidate feelings of reconciliation as proof of their abuse and EPs manipulation, and so on—exactly your description of things EC feel hurt by from their parents), promoting something that only continues pain and suffering, to me is suspect.
That was my first question when I first sought therapy many years ago: "Are they better off without me? I do not wish to cause any more harm for them and upset their peace if they are doing well. I don't want to attempt reconciliation if it is disadvantageous to their lives, causes disruption, anxiety or stress."
I'll never know for certain, but I want to believe they are happy.
It was helpful; to state more succinctly: I don't understand why ECs would follow content that only keeps them mired in more pain, that doesn't promote healing any wounds, that mirrors the hurtful behaviours of their parents.
Wow, thank you Steven for this analysis and insightful writing. I am hoping that there will be a renewal of interest in ending this terrible polarization and that maybe our children will realize that this narrative is a reflection of the many that are destroying the fabric of our humanity in the US. As a parent I will always be looking for a path toward reconciliation and healing. Look forward to further conversations.
The family, in practicality, sit in an untenable position somewhere between fear and shame. Both paralyze the family in real terms to reach out for help or to gain a voice in their own imprisonment.
Forums meant to be a place where some element of solace can be obtained by others experiencing estrangement are themselves a source of toxicity and imho do not encourage healing or finding resilience.
This encourages further isolation.
I applaud your writing and expose on this topic. I myself find it essential to be a voice for those who are silent
Spot on! 100%. Used to be, other older family members (grands, uncle, aunt, even trusted neighbors teachers) would reinforce pride in lineage and quell mutiny by young people who suddenly believed their generation had all the solutions........
> Used to be, other older family members (grands, uncle, aunt, even trusted neighbors teachers) would reinforce pride in lineage and quell mutiny by young people who suddenly believed their generation had all the solutions
I would suggest, gently, that solutions which involve parents forcing children into conformity are more likely to backfire than not, especially these days.
This is brilliant. I am glad for Joshua Coleman's conversation with you--otherwise I would not have found my way to Journeys By The Styx.
I was aware that certain other online communities were influential in our daughter cutting contact with her family. I wasn't aware of the estrangement online communities.
Recently, our local newspaper hired an advice columnist--this thirty-something woman identifies as queer and champions estrangement from "toxic" family members.
James Lindsay has provided us with some of the best analysis of postmodern philosophy/theory and Critical Studies, Queer theory is a subset of Critical theory.
Estranged for predictable reasons, yes. Why would a child breaking with the parent if their parents was hostile to them being trans by any less likely than the child breaking if their parents was homophobic, or upset with their romantic partners, or for any other deal-breaking issues?
Is it not more likely that, in situations where children find their parents hostile to key elements of their identity, they would break if they have any options? This is not "cult like"; this is self-defense.
Disagree. Two young women who grew up across the street and were close with our family are both gay adults. Both maintain relations with their parents despite their parents being Jehovah Witnesses, a religion which practices shunning/apostasy in various degrees. The girls visit their parents but do not bring their partners and are prohibited from sharing meals. Both describe the current trend of estrangement as a cult, same as they describe being raised in the Jehovah Witness clan. As lesbians they do not believe in gender ideology, they are biological realists. As adults they have matured sufficiently to accept their parents for who they are and do not need to agree with them to love them. Hardly unusual. Changing the meaning of words, in this case "self defense" to some vague idea which sounds more like ego protection is problematic.
> Two young women who grew up across the street and were close with our family are both gay adults. Both maintain relations with their parents despite their parents being Jehovah Witnesses, a religion which practices shunning/apostasy in various degrees. The girls visit their parents but do not bring their partners and are prohibited from sharing meals.
What a shocking way for these women to treat their partners. Making the choice to satisfy parents who hold them in contempt at the expense of their partners who are supposed to actually be their parents is a morally terrible choice. May these women grow and realize how much they are doing to their parents for so little gain from their parents.
Steven, thank you so much for this article. I have a question for you: Is it possible that the supportive cocoon of platforms such as “Raised by Narcissists” for estranged adult children may begin to lose value after long-term estrangement? I found this site 8 years ago when I was desperate for clues in why our daughter estranged herself from our entire extended family. Yes, I was bewildered by the language—flying monkeys, DARVO, NC—and quickly internalized that with the power of this community, we had little chance of reconciliation. I just recently went back to the forum after listening to your talk with Dr. Joshua Coleman, and, quite honestly, I found there to be little change in the forum content. I am wondering if there may be a “softening” of EAC as they entire mid-life and may tire of reading parental hate narrative after narrative, year after year, with no new strategies or research-based ideas for their personal growth.
"Is it possible that the supportive cocoon of platforms such as “Raised by Narcissists” for estranged adult children may begin to lose value after long-term estrangement? "
Hi Linda, The forums keep being repopulated by new members, who are in turn inculcated into the community, its concepts and language by what I have referred to as the Ideological Leaders and various support roles who shepherd the conversation, rewarding aligned views and criticising dissenting views. This dynamic is explored in Part 47. Added to that, we keep getting new books, like the one you refer to, and media articles that seed the ideas into the culture. The absolute safety at all costs culture needs to be challenged also, as well as the catastrophising language about emotional damage and "survival." So, no, I don't see this ending anytime soon; not until we can establish a counter narrative and reclaim the information space. That will take therapists who are prepared to reject the estrangement as safety imperative; articles written by people like Joshua Coleman and others that pose a different interpretation, and a move back to realistic ideas about emotional resilience and what it truly means to be emotionally mature and just a plain ordinary human being with flaws and faults that must be accepted and lived with—albeit with a space to respectfully negotiate the child's evolving sense of self and the relationship changes inherent in their coming into adulthood.
Inspired by you and Josh Coleman’s writing here on Substack, I would like to invite you to read a first piece of writing of mine I’ve published here on the topic I’ve called: “Living With Unwanted Estrangement: The Art of It.”
The sentence about “estrangement getting entrenched in societal norms” or close to that is very distributing to me. I was hopeful that the pendulum will eventually swing back but that may not be the case.
Excellent article. The problem is reaching the target audience and getting the message to be understood by that audience. Sadly, the validation from social media seems to be winning. I think they’re also some very poor ‘ therapists’ out there who have also jumped on this validation bandwagon.
Not sure how we can get back to communicating and normal family dynamics that are not extreme - when the behaviors are not abusive or dangerous.
This article, while thoughtfully constructed, leans heavily toward a singular narrative—one that centers parental estrangement as a societal ill without fully exploring the deeper and often painful truths behind why so many adult children choose that path. In an age of introspection, widespread access to psychological insight, and the digital tools that enable self-awareness, it’s no longer fair—or accurate—to dismiss such choices as mere “indoctrination.” Many are not being led astray; they are finally waking up.
You’ve missed the heartbeat of the matter: people—especially adult children—are tired of being expected to tolerate emotional neglect, manipulation, or outright abuse, simply because it comes from a parent. The title of “parent” does not exempt one from the responsibility of care, empathy, or mutual respect. When love is conditional and safety is not present, estrangement often becomes less of a rebellion and more of a sacred boundary.
We have one life—one wild, singular opportunity to live it on our own terms, not by the prescription of what others define as “normal.” Alan Watts once said, “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” So many conform, not because it fulfills them, but because they fear exclusion from a society that says you are only worthy if you follow the script—if you maintain the image, uphold the traditions, obey the lineage.
But life is not a formula to be solved—it’s a song to be sung in your own key. The sooner we release the compulsion to fit in, to please at the expense of our own peace, the closer we come to truth. Estrangement, in many cases, is not an act of hate—it’s an act of love for oneself. And that, too, deserves to be part of the narrative.
I did not interpret any of these writings as invalidating feelings of the adult children, but rather as advocating for compassion and empathy for parents from adult children as self-growth in of itself. Building personal resilience requires skills to deal with challenging interpersonal relationships.
If parents who find themselves estranged from their children truly practiced empathy—genuine, soul-deep empathy—they might not be living this reality in the first place.
Validation isn’t simply saying, “I understand” or “I see you and I'm sorry.” True validation is rooted in accountability. It's in a parent’s ability to pause, look inward without defensiveness, and acknowledge: I am not perfect, but I made real mistakes that caused real harm that has impacted who you are as an adult.
Being a parent doesn’t require perfection, but it does require presence, reflection, and the courage to confront your shadows. Children do not come into this world asking to be here. That choice was made for them. And with that choice comes a responsibility—not just to provide, but to grow. To evolve. To do the hard, uncomfortable work of looking at where things went wrong, and not with vague apologies, but with full-bodied articulation: Here is where I failed you. Here is how my fear, my anger, my pride got in the way of loving you well.
To expect compassion from your children without offering them the same—to demand grace for your own wounds while refusing to tend to the wounds you’ve caused—is a distortion of love. Until that level of self-inquiry happens, this conversation will remain one-sided. And the opportunity for real healing—for actual reconciliation—will continue to be missed.
In the end, estrangement doesn’t emerge from nowhere. It is often the last, reluctant resort of someone who spent years trying to be heard in a house where the echoes always fell back on them.
This is such a clear articulation of the deep dysfunction at play. The hypocrisy is heartbreaking: many in this grandparent generation are demanding compassion and access to their adult children and grandchildren without first offering the humility, accountability, and emotional repair that love actually requires.
It’s backwards parenting—expecting children to tend to their emotional wounds while ignoring or dismissing the wounds they inflicted. That’s not love, that’s emotional role reversal. When parents center their pain over the pain they caused, they force their children into the position of caregiver, therapist, or emotional regulator—often from a very young age. And then they’re shocked when those same children grow up, wake up, and step away.
Estrangement is rarely impulsive. It’s the result of years—sometimes decades—of trying to be heard, trying to heal, and being met with silence, blame, or mockery. No one wants to estrange. But many are left with no other choice when their pain is continually invalidated, and their boundaries treated as betrayal.
Real reconciliation is always possible—but it starts with repentance, not entitlement.
Thanks for adding your thoughts. I can see how strongly you feel about this, and I understand that for many, estrangement comes after years of pain and failed attempts to be heard. That reality shouldn’t be dismissed—and I’m not trying to do that.
That said, I think there’s a deeper inconsistency in the position you’re putting forward that’s worth noticing.
In many areas of family life, we’ve traditionally accepted that relationships come with mutual obligations—especially across generations. Grandparents were once leaned on heavily to provide support: emotional, financial, practical. Many still are. They’re part of the fabric that keeps families functioning—helping raise kids, stepping in when things fall apart, holding memory and history.
But now, in a lot of estrangement discourse, that same generation is suddenly treated as disposable—or worse, dangerous. And what’s meant by “dangerous” often goes undefined. It’s not necessarily violence or neglect—it’s often just disagreement, awkwardness, or emotional friction reframed as harm. There’s a growing tendency to call any form of conflict or imperfection “abuse,” and once that label is attached, all nuance disappears.
At the same time, we’re seeing the very behaviours that would raise red flags if they were happening to any other elder—isolation, exclusion, denial of contact, humiliation—now being justified as boundary-setting or empowerment. But if we weren’t calling it estrangement, we might be calling it elder abuse. That’s not a stretch—that’s an uncomfortable truth we seem unwilling to name.
And it’s even more striking when you compare it to areas like adoption, where we support children having access to their biological roots—not because it’s always comfortable, but because continuity and identity matter. But when it’s a grandparent asking for connection, the logic flips completely. Now their access is conditional on meeting an emotional standard set entirely by someone else’s retrospective account of the past.
That turns family into a kind of licensed arrangement, where connection has to be earned and continually revalidated—not shared or sustained. It casts elders not as flawed-but-needed members of a wider system, but as conditional participants whose value is defined retroactively through a therapeutic filter.
That’s not healing, more like rupture dressed in self-protection. And I think we need to talk about what that means—not just for parents, but for the next generation coming up too.
I do not disagree with your vision of an ideal parent or of how a truly aware, humble, and empathetic person can function.
Parenting is very complex and many of the parents becoming estranged have given their hearts imperfectly over many decades, only to be pathologized and rejected for their efforts. It is aspirational to expect that parents are so enlightened that they will always meet their childrens' needs. Not everyone is humble and open- do you just cancel those people out of your life, especially family? Or do you learn to accept them for who they are and not take their flaws personally?
This isn’t simply about accepting one’s flaws. It’s about the capacity to look beyond oneself with enough humility and clarity to enact real change—change that heals, not just soothes discomfort. When wounds run deep, apologies alone don’t reach them. The damage wasn’t caused by a single moment, and it won’t be mended by surface-level gestures.
Many parents in these situations fall back on a familiar checklist: I reached out, I apologized, I gave them space, I asked what I could do. And while those actions may be well-intentioned, they often miss the deeper point—they reflect a limited understanding of the harm and the ongoing disconnect that exists beneath the surface. Because it’s not just about what you did—it’s about what you failed to understand.
The real barrier is often the unacknowledged ego—the unconscious resistance to seeing one’s own blind spots. These blind spots aren’t harmless; they are the very spaces where accountability should live. When a child sets firm boundaries or goes no-contact, it’s not because of a single fallout—it’s because the foundation has eroded over time. Not from one failure, but from years of missed cues, unhealed patterns, and emotional misattunement.
If you’ve found yourself at this point—estranged, distanced, or navigating boundaries—you must return to past conversations you dismissed or minimized. Reflect on the moments when you weren’t truly listening because your own shame or defensiveness got in the way. Healing doesn’t come through asking for forgiveness—it comes through doing the painstaking work of becoming the kind of parent who finally sees the pain they once couldn’t bear to face.
These aren’t small issues. They’re the accumulated weight of years. And until that weight is acknowledged and actively worked through—not with performance, but with presence—the disconnection will remain. Real repair is not about being forgiven. It’s about becoming someone trustworthy enough to be let back in.
Thank you for articulating this position with such force and clarity. Your post offers a near-perfect distillation of the worldview adopted by many in estrangement communities today, and I mean that sincerely—it captures with precision the moral and emotional assumptions that underpin what I’ve been analysing in my ongoing series on Estrangement Ideology.
What you’ve written in this thread encapsulates many of the core themes I’ve explored, particularly the redefinition of reconciliation as a one-sided process in which the parent must undergo a kind of therapeutic re-education—emotionally confessing, transforming, and demonstrating “trustworthiness” as a precondition for any possible return.
Your framing echoes the ideological model in which the estranged adult child holds narrative authority, moral superiority, and total relational power, while the parent’s perspective is admissible only after full self-denunciation.
To summarise, your comment illustrates several recurring features I’ve examined in the series:
* Reconciliation as conditional and unilateral, resting entirely on the parent’s transformation
* Pathologisation of normal parental behaviours, reframed as emotionally immature or toxic
* Exclusive validation of the adult child’s lived experience, with no room for narrative plurality
* Therapeutic language as moral framework, elevating apology into ritual confession
* Emotional safety as an absolute, overriding traditional notions of family, obligation, or repair
* Power inversion in family dynamics, where the adult child becomes judge, jury, and gatekeeper
* Absence of mutuality, with no corresponding demand for reflection or growth from the adult child
The emotional maturity expressed in this vision of the ideal parent is striking—not in what it demands of the parent (which is extensive), but in what it exempts from the adult child. The expectation is not for mutual recognition of imperfection, but for the parent to attain near-total emotional fluency, insight and humility, while the adult child remains immune from scrutiny. It is a curious dynamic: maturity is externalised, outsourced to the parent, while the child retains the moral high ground without having to risk vulnerability, reflection or compromise.
So thank you again. Your words serve as a vivid illustration of the cultural moment we’re in, and help ground many of the more abstract patterns my series has been mapping.
These ideals are wonderful, but aspirational. Most parents are not so enlightened and neither are the estranging adult children. Most people have egos and so do the adult children whose egos are so harmed by their parents. One may not trust your parents with your deep thoughts, but is that a reason to estrange and expect them to become something different if safety is not what's at stake? Why hurt people who have given you something, not everything, if they care about you in their own way? Real repair may not come, but not all relationships are pure.
> One may not trust your parents with your deep thoughts, but is that a reason to estrange and expect them to become something different if safety is not what's at stake?
In many cases their safety is at risk, at least their security. Visiting Estranged Adult Children on Reddit now, one recent post talks about their parents pointing a security camera into their bedroom, while another has a parent who insists on the right to leave gifts on her property. Stalking is itself off-putting.
Beyond that, if the relationship with the parent is not working for the child, if the child is being put down consistently, why should they continue it?.if anyone else insisted on the right to keep a relationship going that hurt the other person, they would be rightly criticized. Why does the category of parents get a free pass?
> Building personal resilience requires skills to deal with challenging interpersonal relationships.
The question I would be interested in answering is whether particularly challenging interpersonal ones do need to be sustained, whatever one party to them thinks. Why?
Excellent article. May there be some hope for the future. We need to reclaim a place in this skewed field and to instil some balance and stop this as it's destroying families and societies.
Thank you Steven. May " love, growth, and reconciliation" lead our children back to family.
Your counterstrategies seem like a great idea—a platform where there is curiosity, empathy, compassion, for both sides. This seems unrealistic to me. My personal experience in trying to learn more over the last 5 years — with one exception— has been that EC are not interested in the least about such an environment.
When I first was struggling to understand "why???" (the missing missing reasons), I joined a FB group (which I eventually left as it seemed so one-sided—think "reddit" comments, only from parents, not adult children). It also seemed like an echo chamber—but for parents. There was great hostility toward EC from parents, and I befriended ONE brave EC who spoke out about her situation out of curiosity, and more than a small amount of admiration for her to speak out in such a group, to understand her position to estrange from her mother. We became close "FB friends" I could completely empathize and understood why. Basically, her mother had estranged her, and after the daughters years of reaching out, failed.
I have come into contact with other estranged children by chance, in "real life" — not online—and they do not seem happy with the situation, yet lack any tools (or desire) to mend any rifts.
I have read Josh Coleman's book, articles (WaPo, Atlantic, NYT), follow him, attend his Zooms—and, in published articles he is often vilified in comments by EC as only supporting parents —which is NOT the case—yet that seems to be his reputation in these online communities.
I have asked open questions or made generalized comments on your articles, and other authors on Substack— without delving into personal efforts in trying to mend my relationships—and was trolled on a by one commenter who who knew nothing of my circumstances, who later deleted his/her comments.
To me, it seems similar to our polarization in the US. Where people dig in their heels, do anything to justify their decisions, avoid even talking about conflicting points of view—everything is black and white thinking. It's a bigger problem than we can imagine.
Yes, polarisation is certainly a key factor in the dire state of our societies. I'm sorry you were trolled, I have tried not to censor comments as I feel we have a lot of that going on in media these days and feel that people tend to show their own character in making such comments. The stereotyped characterisation of parents as "abusers" certainly has a lot to do with the hostility, which is one of the things we have Issendai to thank for, and a good deal of the reason I have pushed back on their writing.
How is “abuse” defined among estranged parents? All abuse is simply abuse of power. It can be emotional, psychological, financial, physical and/or sexual. It could be argued that lack of attunement is abuse because children so desperately need to be seen, heard, validated and loved unconditionally in order to develop into healthy, relational adults. Perhaps both EC And EP should begin by creating a shared definition of what constitutes an abuse of power, since the parent/child relationships is characterized by a tremendous power imbalance for decades, if not forever.
This is a good question, and starting point. I would define abuse as intentional cruelty. I would also be interested in actual examples of EC abuse relating to emotional, psychological, etc abuse. I think of the movie “Precious,” or any of the horrific stories you might read daily in a newspaper. As to power imbalance, aren’t parents supposed to be more powerful than children? How would children thrive at all without someone stronger to protect and care for them? As they grow and can care and make decisions for themselves, and gain independence—isn’t less protection and support needed—as they want to make their own choices? And , if parents didn’t love them unconditionally, how would anyone make it to adulthood?
Children only know that they are suffering. They do not know if their parent is causing them pain intentionally or unintentionally unless the parent takes immediate responsibility for their behavior and it never happens again. Constant criticism is a common form of emotional abuse that harms children tremendously. Yes, parents have more power, which is why they have to be careful with it. Many children survive to adulthood despite horrific childhoods.
Jane, Many of the parents now becoming estranged are being accused of being abusive because they were not perfect and hurt their AC's feelings. At the same time the parents are rejected for being either too involved in the AC's life, or not in tune enough. Building resilience when confronted with challenge is an important skill in life. The ideals that a child is abused because they felt discomfort only promotes conflict avoidance.
Adults are not estranging from their parents because their parents “hurt their feelings,” made them uncomfortable or were imperfect. All abuse is simply abuse of power and minimizing/dismissing/invalidating your child’s feelings or POV to maintain a position of power in the relationship is emotional abuse. Are EPs even open to the possibility that something is wrong with the way they are relating to their EC, even if it is unintentional?
I give children a little more credit to know when a parent, or anyone, is intentionally harming them. What’s perplexing is how many of these estranged adult children don’t realize their abusive childhoods until they seek online help as adults, when life is suddenly not going well for them. Blaming parents is just so darn easy.
AC generally seek out therapy and estrange because of ongoing, current problems they have with their parents. When they can’t improve the relationship, they leave.
I support non censorship for the reason you stated.
I look forward to a safe platform with all to respectfully contribute. Maybe another Reddit? If you Google estranged parents in Reddit, the EAK sites overwhelmingly appear, however, I did see one largely inactive account directed to parents asking about the circumstances surrounding their estrangement.
I'm thinking maybe a website counter to Breakaway might be a good first step. Articles redefining the concepts and maybe pieces from sympathetic therapists and stories about others who have experienced family conflict and seen their way through it. Forums are a bit too wild west, especially for a first step.
I love that idea. I also think it should also include emphasis on wanting to heal—for EAK, parents, or siblings alike—and resources as you describe—from therapists, articles and personal stories for those who seek healing and peace.
Regarding "others who have experienced family conflict and seen their way through it" : One of the many books I read when this first happened was Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer. He has a research project at Cornell and solicited family reconciliation stories. If you're not familiar with the site, here is the link: https://www.familyreconciliation.org/
In the past five years, there are about 50 stories posted with parents and siblings reconciling. I wish there were more.
I also love that idea and it is the concept that is seldomly offered on any public forum
Perhaps if we began flooding the social media stage with particles and data supporting everything that your article featured… That created an awareness of how we are being bound by the impose that narratives rather than even briefly, entertaining the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness; to concepts/words that are NEVER featured in the standardized demonation of the traditional family.
If you do begin such a forum, could you please let me know if it’s development?
Thank you
I thoroughly enjoyed this article
Are you experiencing this? I am. It's heartbreaking.
There are a lot of people with narcissistic traits around and many of them are parents. We also know that intergenerational trauma exists and the pain gets passed down through the generations until someone stops it. I understand how EP could view this all as a “fad” to dismiss and mock but that isn’t getting them any closer to reconciliation. I think humility, curiosity, empathy and vulnerability would serve them better. There is a reason young adults are following this content and I think it is a mistake for EP to ignore whatever truth might be in it. How many EP were deeply hurt by their own parents and have never healed those wounds? A lot of EC are tired of being judged, criticized, compared, controlled, manipulated, invalidated, gossiped about, triangulated and/or any number of other things by their parents. I am not saying all parents do this but many do at least some and EC don’t have to stay and suffer the way previous generations had to, or felt they had to. The only thing any of us can control is ourselves. If we want our relationships to change, we need to change how we show up in them.
hmmm.. A lot written here. I don't know your personal story, but if that has happened to you, what can I say? "Heartbreaking" doesn't describe. If you wanted to share your story privately, I would be interested. Feel free to message me if you feel safe to do so.
The topic being "Estrangement Ideology," I only have this to say: It is apparent EC continue to suffer (rage, depression, sadness, guilt, shame sorrow), and the myriad therapists, online communities (which diagnostically judge parents without ever having met them, criticize them, compare them, violate any boundaries of privacy, control the narrative, manipulate the ECs POV taking away their agency, invalidate feelings of reconciliation as proof of their abuse and EPs manipulation, and so on—exactly your description of things EC feel hurt by from their parents), promoting something that only continues pain and suffering, to me is suspect.
Do you believe that EC cannot have happy lives?
I don't know.
That was my first question when I first sought therapy many years ago: "Are they better off without me? I do not wish to cause any more harm for them and upset their peace if they are doing well. I don't want to attempt reconciliation if it is disadvantageous to their lives, causes disruption, anxiety or stress."
I'll never know for certain, but I want to believe they are happy.
You are absolutely entitled to your opinion. I was just sharing another perspective in case it was helpful but it sounds like it wasn’t.
It was helpful; to state more succinctly: I don't understand why ECs would follow content that only keeps them mired in more pain, that doesn't promote healing any wounds, that mirrors the hurtful behaviours of their parents.
The EC were suffering before they found the content. They find the content helpful.
And they still are suffering. How is that helpful?
Wow, thank you Steven for this analysis and insightful writing. I am hoping that there will be a renewal of interest in ending this terrible polarization and that maybe our children will realize that this narrative is a reflection of the many that are destroying the fabric of our humanity in the US. As a parent I will always be looking for a path toward reconciliation and healing. Look forward to further conversations.
The family, in practicality, sit in an untenable position somewhere between fear and shame. Both paralyze the family in real terms to reach out for help or to gain a voice in their own imprisonment.
Forums meant to be a place where some element of solace can be obtained by others experiencing estrangement are themselves a source of toxicity and imho do not encourage healing or finding resilience.
This encourages further isolation.
I applaud your writing and expose on this topic. I myself find it essential to be a voice for those who are silent
Thanks, Jennifer. I totally agree.
Spot on! 100%. Used to be, other older family members (grands, uncle, aunt, even trusted neighbors teachers) would reinforce pride in lineage and quell mutiny by young people who suddenly believed their generation had all the solutions........
> Used to be, other older family members (grands, uncle, aunt, even trusted neighbors teachers) would reinforce pride in lineage and quell mutiny by young people who suddenly believed their generation had all the solutions
I would suggest, gently, that solutions which involve parents forcing children into conformity are more likely to backfire than not, especially these days.
Thanks so very much for your brilliant exploration and explanation of what has felt incomprehensible. It has truly helped me to gain perspective.
Love this Steven. I very much enjoyed hearing you speak in discussion with Josh Coleman the other evening. Thank you for all of your writing. Judi
Thank you, Steven.
This is brilliant. I am glad for Joshua Coleman's conversation with you--otherwise I would not have found my way to Journeys By The Styx.
I was aware that certain other online communities were influential in our daughter cutting contact with her family. I wasn't aware of the estrangement online communities.
Recently, our local newspaper hired an advice columnist--this thirty-something woman identifies as queer and champions estrangement from "toxic" family members.
There's a complex dynamic between these narratives, which combine to produce estrangement as an apparently logical solution.
Queer theory shares the cult like control mechanics Steven describes in estrangement ideology. See Lancing/Lindsay's book https://www.amazon.com/Queering-American-Child-Religious-Poisons-ebook/dp/B0CSKPK45D
Great reference!
There are many parents of “sudden trans” teens or young adults that find themselves suddenly estranged.
James Lindsay has provided us with some of the best analysis of postmodern philosophy/theory and Critical Studies, Queer theory is a subset of Critical theory.
Great reference, Laura. Many thanks.
Almost all things Linday including their primer https://www.amazon.com/Cynical-Theories-Scholarship-Everything-Identity_and/dp/1634312023
are critical to developing an understanding of the current social/political climate.
Estranged for predictable reasons, yes. Why would a child breaking with the parent if their parents was hostile to them being trans by any less likely than the child breaking if their parents was homophobic, or upset with their romantic partners, or for any other deal-breaking issues?
Is it not more likely that, in situations where children find their parents hostile to key elements of their identity, they would break if they have any options? This is not "cult like"; this is self-defense.
Trans is not the same as gay.
The end.
Disagree. Two young women who grew up across the street and were close with our family are both gay adults. Both maintain relations with their parents despite their parents being Jehovah Witnesses, a religion which practices shunning/apostasy in various degrees. The girls visit their parents but do not bring their partners and are prohibited from sharing meals. Both describe the current trend of estrangement as a cult, same as they describe being raised in the Jehovah Witness clan. As lesbians they do not believe in gender ideology, they are biological realists. As adults they have matured sufficiently to accept their parents for who they are and do not need to agree with them to love them. Hardly unusual. Changing the meaning of words, in this case "self defense" to some vague idea which sounds more like ego protection is problematic.
> Two young women who grew up across the street and were close with our family are both gay adults. Both maintain relations with their parents despite their parents being Jehovah Witnesses, a religion which practices shunning/apostasy in various degrees. The girls visit their parents but do not bring their partners and are prohibited from sharing meals.
What a shocking way for these women to treat their partners. Making the choice to satisfy parents who hold them in contempt at the expense of their partners who are supposed to actually be their parents is a morally terrible choice. May these women grow and realize how much they are doing to their parents for so little gain from their parents.
Steven, thank you so much for this article. I have a question for you: Is it possible that the supportive cocoon of platforms such as “Raised by Narcissists” for estranged adult children may begin to lose value after long-term estrangement? I found this site 8 years ago when I was desperate for clues in why our daughter estranged herself from our entire extended family. Yes, I was bewildered by the language—flying monkeys, DARVO, NC—and quickly internalized that with the power of this community, we had little chance of reconciliation. I just recently went back to the forum after listening to your talk with Dr. Joshua Coleman, and, quite honestly, I found there to be little change in the forum content. I am wondering if there may be a “softening” of EAC as they entire mid-life and may tire of reading parental hate narrative after narrative, year after year, with no new strategies or research-based ideas for their personal growth.
"Is it possible that the supportive cocoon of platforms such as “Raised by Narcissists” for estranged adult children may begin to lose value after long-term estrangement? "
Hi Linda, The forums keep being repopulated by new members, who are in turn inculcated into the community, its concepts and language by what I have referred to as the Ideological Leaders and various support roles who shepherd the conversation, rewarding aligned views and criticising dissenting views. This dynamic is explored in Part 47. Added to that, we keep getting new books, like the one you refer to, and media articles that seed the ideas into the culture. The absolute safety at all costs culture needs to be challenged also, as well as the catastrophising language about emotional damage and "survival." So, no, I don't see this ending anytime soon; not until we can establish a counter narrative and reclaim the information space. That will take therapists who are prepared to reject the estrangement as safety imperative; articles written by people like Joshua Coleman and others that pose a different interpretation, and a move back to realistic ideas about emotional resilience and what it truly means to be emotionally mature and just a plain ordinary human being with flaws and faults that must be accepted and lived with—albeit with a space to respectfully negotiate the child's evolving sense of self and the relationship changes inherent in their coming into adulthood.
> So, no, I don't see this ending anytime soon; not until we can establish a counter narrative and reclaim the information space.
What does this mean in practice?
Hi Steven,
Inspired by you and Josh Coleman’s writing here on Substack, I would like to invite you to read a first piece of writing of mine I’ve published here on the topic I’ve called: “Living With Unwanted Estrangement: The Art of It.”
Sincerely, Judi
https://open.substack.com/pub/judilynnejudyma
Truly beautiful. Many thanks for sharing, Judi.
Very grateful.
This gives me hope!
Thank you Steven ❤️
The sentence about “estrangement getting entrenched in societal norms” or close to that is very distributing to me. I was hopeful that the pendulum will eventually swing back but that may not be the case.
Excellent article. The problem is reaching the target audience and getting the message to be understood by that audience. Sadly, the validation from social media seems to be winning. I think they’re also some very poor ‘ therapists’ out there who have also jumped on this validation bandwagon.
Not sure how we can get back to communicating and normal family dynamics that are not extreme - when the behaviors are not abusive or dangerous.
This article, while thoughtfully constructed, leans heavily toward a singular narrative—one that centers parental estrangement as a societal ill without fully exploring the deeper and often painful truths behind why so many adult children choose that path. In an age of introspection, widespread access to psychological insight, and the digital tools that enable self-awareness, it’s no longer fair—or accurate—to dismiss such choices as mere “indoctrination.” Many are not being led astray; they are finally waking up.
You’ve missed the heartbeat of the matter: people—especially adult children—are tired of being expected to tolerate emotional neglect, manipulation, or outright abuse, simply because it comes from a parent. The title of “parent” does not exempt one from the responsibility of care, empathy, or mutual respect. When love is conditional and safety is not present, estrangement often becomes less of a rebellion and more of a sacred boundary.
We have one life—one wild, singular opportunity to live it on our own terms, not by the prescription of what others define as “normal.” Alan Watts once said, “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” So many conform, not because it fulfills them, but because they fear exclusion from a society that says you are only worthy if you follow the script—if you maintain the image, uphold the traditions, obey the lineage.
But life is not a formula to be solved—it’s a song to be sung in your own key. The sooner we release the compulsion to fit in, to please at the expense of our own peace, the closer we come to truth. Estrangement, in many cases, is not an act of hate—it’s an act of love for oneself. And that, too, deserves to be part of the narrative.
I did not interpret any of these writings as invalidating feelings of the adult children, but rather as advocating for compassion and empathy for parents from adult children as self-growth in of itself. Building personal resilience requires skills to deal with challenging interpersonal relationships.
If parents who find themselves estranged from their children truly practiced empathy—genuine, soul-deep empathy—they might not be living this reality in the first place.
Validation isn’t simply saying, “I understand” or “I see you and I'm sorry.” True validation is rooted in accountability. It's in a parent’s ability to pause, look inward without defensiveness, and acknowledge: I am not perfect, but I made real mistakes that caused real harm that has impacted who you are as an adult.
Being a parent doesn’t require perfection, but it does require presence, reflection, and the courage to confront your shadows. Children do not come into this world asking to be here. That choice was made for them. And with that choice comes a responsibility—not just to provide, but to grow. To evolve. To do the hard, uncomfortable work of looking at where things went wrong, and not with vague apologies, but with full-bodied articulation: Here is where I failed you. Here is how my fear, my anger, my pride got in the way of loving you well.
To expect compassion from your children without offering them the same—to demand grace for your own wounds while refusing to tend to the wounds you’ve caused—is a distortion of love. Until that level of self-inquiry happens, this conversation will remain one-sided. And the opportunity for real healing—for actual reconciliation—will continue to be missed.
In the end, estrangement doesn’t emerge from nowhere. It is often the last, reluctant resort of someone who spent years trying to be heard in a house where the echoes always fell back on them.
This is such a clear articulation of the deep dysfunction at play. The hypocrisy is heartbreaking: many in this grandparent generation are demanding compassion and access to their adult children and grandchildren without first offering the humility, accountability, and emotional repair that love actually requires.
It’s backwards parenting—expecting children to tend to their emotional wounds while ignoring or dismissing the wounds they inflicted. That’s not love, that’s emotional role reversal. When parents center their pain over the pain they caused, they force their children into the position of caregiver, therapist, or emotional regulator—often from a very young age. And then they’re shocked when those same children grow up, wake up, and step away.
Estrangement is rarely impulsive. It’s the result of years—sometimes decades—of trying to be heard, trying to heal, and being met with silence, blame, or mockery. No one wants to estrange. But many are left with no other choice when their pain is continually invalidated, and their boundaries treated as betrayal.
Real reconciliation is always possible—but it starts with repentance, not entitlement.
Hi Megan,
Thanks for adding your thoughts. I can see how strongly you feel about this, and I understand that for many, estrangement comes after years of pain and failed attempts to be heard. That reality shouldn’t be dismissed—and I’m not trying to do that.
That said, I think there’s a deeper inconsistency in the position you’re putting forward that’s worth noticing.
In many areas of family life, we’ve traditionally accepted that relationships come with mutual obligations—especially across generations. Grandparents were once leaned on heavily to provide support: emotional, financial, practical. Many still are. They’re part of the fabric that keeps families functioning—helping raise kids, stepping in when things fall apart, holding memory and history.
But now, in a lot of estrangement discourse, that same generation is suddenly treated as disposable—or worse, dangerous. And what’s meant by “dangerous” often goes undefined. It’s not necessarily violence or neglect—it’s often just disagreement, awkwardness, or emotional friction reframed as harm. There’s a growing tendency to call any form of conflict or imperfection “abuse,” and once that label is attached, all nuance disappears.
At the same time, we’re seeing the very behaviours that would raise red flags if they were happening to any other elder—isolation, exclusion, denial of contact, humiliation—now being justified as boundary-setting or empowerment. But if we weren’t calling it estrangement, we might be calling it elder abuse. That’s not a stretch—that’s an uncomfortable truth we seem unwilling to name.
And it’s even more striking when you compare it to areas like adoption, where we support children having access to their biological roots—not because it’s always comfortable, but because continuity and identity matter. But when it’s a grandparent asking for connection, the logic flips completely. Now their access is conditional on meeting an emotional standard set entirely by someone else’s retrospective account of the past.
That turns family into a kind of licensed arrangement, where connection has to be earned and continually revalidated—not shared or sustained. It casts elders not as flawed-but-needed members of a wider system, but as conditional participants whose value is defined retroactively through a therapeutic filter.
That’s not healing, more like rupture dressed in self-protection. And I think we need to talk about what that means—not just for parents, but for the next generation coming up too.
I do not disagree with your vision of an ideal parent or of how a truly aware, humble, and empathetic person can function.
Parenting is very complex and many of the parents becoming estranged have given their hearts imperfectly over many decades, only to be pathologized and rejected for their efforts. It is aspirational to expect that parents are so enlightened that they will always meet their childrens' needs. Not everyone is humble and open- do you just cancel those people out of your life, especially family? Or do you learn to accept them for who they are and not take their flaws personally?
This isn’t simply about accepting one’s flaws. It’s about the capacity to look beyond oneself with enough humility and clarity to enact real change—change that heals, not just soothes discomfort. When wounds run deep, apologies alone don’t reach them. The damage wasn’t caused by a single moment, and it won’t be mended by surface-level gestures.
Many parents in these situations fall back on a familiar checklist: I reached out, I apologized, I gave them space, I asked what I could do. And while those actions may be well-intentioned, they often miss the deeper point—they reflect a limited understanding of the harm and the ongoing disconnect that exists beneath the surface. Because it’s not just about what you did—it’s about what you failed to understand.
The real barrier is often the unacknowledged ego—the unconscious resistance to seeing one’s own blind spots. These blind spots aren’t harmless; they are the very spaces where accountability should live. When a child sets firm boundaries or goes no-contact, it’s not because of a single fallout—it’s because the foundation has eroded over time. Not from one failure, but from years of missed cues, unhealed patterns, and emotional misattunement.
If you’ve found yourself at this point—estranged, distanced, or navigating boundaries—you must return to past conversations you dismissed or minimized. Reflect on the moments when you weren’t truly listening because your own shame or defensiveness got in the way. Healing doesn’t come through asking for forgiveness—it comes through doing the painstaking work of becoming the kind of parent who finally sees the pain they once couldn’t bear to face.
These aren’t small issues. They’re the accumulated weight of years. And until that weight is acknowledged and actively worked through—not with performance, but with presence—the disconnection will remain. Real repair is not about being forgiven. It’s about becoming someone trustworthy enough to be let back in.
Hi Elbert,
Thank you for articulating this position with such force and clarity. Your post offers a near-perfect distillation of the worldview adopted by many in estrangement communities today, and I mean that sincerely—it captures with precision the moral and emotional assumptions that underpin what I’ve been analysing in my ongoing series on Estrangement Ideology.
What you’ve written in this thread encapsulates many of the core themes I’ve explored, particularly the redefinition of reconciliation as a one-sided process in which the parent must undergo a kind of therapeutic re-education—emotionally confessing, transforming, and demonstrating “trustworthiness” as a precondition for any possible return.
Your framing echoes the ideological model in which the estranged adult child holds narrative authority, moral superiority, and total relational power, while the parent’s perspective is admissible only after full self-denunciation.
To summarise, your comment illustrates several recurring features I’ve examined in the series:
* Reconciliation as conditional and unilateral, resting entirely on the parent’s transformation
* Pathologisation of normal parental behaviours, reframed as emotionally immature or toxic
* Exclusive validation of the adult child’s lived experience, with no room for narrative plurality
* Therapeutic language as moral framework, elevating apology into ritual confession
* Emotional safety as an absolute, overriding traditional notions of family, obligation, or repair
* Power inversion in family dynamics, where the adult child becomes judge, jury, and gatekeeper
* Absence of mutuality, with no corresponding demand for reflection or growth from the adult child
The emotional maturity expressed in this vision of the ideal parent is striking—not in what it demands of the parent (which is extensive), but in what it exempts from the adult child. The expectation is not for mutual recognition of imperfection, but for the parent to attain near-total emotional fluency, insight and humility, while the adult child remains immune from scrutiny. It is a curious dynamic: maturity is externalised, outsourced to the parent, while the child retains the moral high ground without having to risk vulnerability, reflection or compromise.
So thank you again. Your words serve as a vivid illustration of the cultural moment we’re in, and help ground many of the more abstract patterns my series has been mapping.
Perfect response.
These ideals are wonderful, but aspirational. Most parents are not so enlightened and neither are the estranging adult children. Most people have egos and so do the adult children whose egos are so harmed by their parents. One may not trust your parents with your deep thoughts, but is that a reason to estrange and expect them to become something different if safety is not what's at stake? Why hurt people who have given you something, not everything, if they care about you in their own way? Real repair may not come, but not all relationships are pure.
See my note on the ideal parent fantasy
https://substack.com/@stxian/note/c-109904435
I think the more interesting theme in the estranged kid's script is the righteous need to control others.
> One may not trust your parents with your deep thoughts, but is that a reason to estrange and expect them to become something different if safety is not what's at stake?
In many cases their safety is at risk, at least their security. Visiting Estranged Adult Children on Reddit now, one recent post talks about their parents pointing a security camera into their bedroom, while another has a parent who insists on the right to leave gifts on her property. Stalking is itself off-putting.
Beyond that, if the relationship with the parent is not working for the child, if the child is being put down consistently, why should they continue it?.if anyone else insisted on the right to keep a relationship going that hurt the other person, they would be rightly criticized. Why does the category of parents get a free pass?
> Building personal resilience requires skills to deal with challenging interpersonal relationships.
The question I would be interested in answering is whether particularly challenging interpersonal ones do need to be sustained, whatever one party to them thinks. Why?