Our gratitude for your exemplary work is immense. As a daughter who experienced estrangement from her parents; and as parents of a 33 year old daughter who seemingly espouses the tenets you describe, your detailed and comprehensive series is a most welcome addition to our decades-long exploration of estrangement. Our sincere thanks! Best wishes to you as you move on elsewhere.
Author’s Note on Framing, Limits and Strategic Clarity
===================================
This series began as a personal response to something emotionally destabilising—my own estrangement experience—and developed into a long-form investigation of how estrangement now functions not just as a personal event but as a fully articulated ideological system.
Over time, the work has grown in both scope and sharpness. It maps recurring rhetorical patterns, tracks ideological reinforcement mechanisms, and pushes back against the idea that cutting ties is always an act of growth, or that emotional discomfort is synonymous with abuse. For some, that alone is enough to disqualify me—especially if you’re reading through the lens of an adult child who's internalised the belief that any parental perspective is manipulation by default.
However, this series isn’t a call for forced reconciliation. It’s not a demand for loyalty, or a defence of perfect parenting. It’s a refusal to let therapeutic ideology, online groupthink and psychologised identity scripts be treated as morally neutral ground. If that sounds like an attack to you, it’s probably because the ideological framing you’re using doesn’t tolerate scrutiny. And that’s the point.
That said, I also want to acknowledge the broader critique this series may attract from philosophical corners—especially postmodern thinkers and critical theorists from the Frankfurt School.
From a postmodern perspective, this whole project might look like just another attempt to stabilise meaning. They may well argue I’m offering a new master frame, just as loaded as the ones I’m critiquing—only sharper, colder and more syntactically coherent. They’d ask: “Who gets to decide what’s ‘ideological’ and what’s not?” And they’d be right to ask.
From a Frankfurt School lens, particularly someone like Marcuse, the critique goes deeper: that by structuring this as a methodical series—offering patterns, categories, and language maps—I risk participating in the same logic I’m critiquing. Not liberation, but refinement. Not emancipation, but intellectual formatting inside a culture that rewards critique as long as it remains inert.
And I take that seriously. I don’t claim to stand outside ideology. This is a conditioned response. A conscious reframing. A counter-instrument. I’m not building a new belief system—I’m mapping the one that already exists but refuses to name itself. The one that wraps emotional absolutism in self-care language, frames disconnection as maturity, and turns unresolved pain into identity performance.
To estranged adult children who may feel personally attacked by this series: I get that this won’t sit well. But discomfort isn’t harm, and scrutiny isn’t abuse. If your story can’t survive inspection, it may not be your story—it may be someone else’s script, handed to you by therapists, influencers or forum moderators who needed you to play a role. That doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. It means your conclusions deserve to be examined—not just echoed.
To readers seeking clarity, not comfort: this work is for you. Not because it will tell you what to think, but because it offers a frame for what’s happening around (and often through) you. It’s not the final word—it’s an interruption.
Thanks for reading—and for thinking beyond the script.
Even though I'm not new to estrangement, your balanced and in-depth dive into estrangement ideology has been very informative. As someone who wants to continue to shed unhealthy behavioral patterns, your posts have provided new perspectives and opportunities for growth. Thank you so much.
Hi Everyone - I am getting a lot out of reading Steven's articles and the comments. I also have used Dr. Coleman for personal therapy as an estranged parent and grandparent. I just created a Substack that will discuss the various therapies I have engaged in and found to be enormously helpful in healing the emotional pain and reaching radical acceptance to live a joyful and content life despite the many attempts at making amends (all professionally guided but failures). I understand why they failed and will discuss. I welcome you to hear my story and contribute your own stories of success in reaching contentment and happiness despite the children/grandchildren void we have in our lives.
I am working thru your articles now. This info resonates with me deeply. Thank you for the research and for pulling it all together. Reading your articles is helping me process the confusion and grief I am experiencing. - a Hurting Mom
Stumbled on this…just by chance. I have just reviewed your extensive summary points…but am relieved that FINALLY someone is taking this seriously. This has fractured our family dynamics…but even more so…I have extrapolated to the wider consequences to our society as a whole. Families are “supposed to” be our safe havens. When we declare they are NOT…and an entire generation declares it should be so…we ALL suffer irrevocably whether the actual many individual family units are impacted directly or not.
Thank you for your thoughtful work on this. I hope to read and gain greater insight.
Many thanks for your comments, Christiane. When you have finished or done as much as you can handle on mine, I recommend Dr Joshua Colesman's substack and also Tamy Faierman's articles on estrangement as a spiritual path https://tamyfaierman.substack.com/p/part-ii-a-relationship-on-mute
I actually follow a very wise therapist on Instagram…Rachel Haack. I disagree with Dr. Josh Coleman on some very important issues.
For the record, I really don’t need support. I have been married for close to 45 years. As anyone knows…you cannot maintain a relationship of that sort unless or until you have communication, conflict management and relationship cohesion down. We raised our sons in a family where family meetings were initiated when conflict occurred. We modeled problem solving and open communication to solve conflict and address it. It is most disconcerting that they have actively chosen not to engage in those practices in addressing issues that could easily be addressed in loving, supportive and open minded communication. Like many parents…we made mistakes…all part of the growing pains that occur when you are growing up as your children are growing up. There is immense room for applying grace and forgiveness on both sides…but it does require effort, humility and a ton of forgiveness, compassion and empathy for all parties involved. One fact I have always acknowledged in my life is that you cannot force others to change. My door is always open to my sons…those who have estranged and the one who has not. We can only try to show up as the best versions of ourselves and hope others allow themselves to do the same.
Thank you for your reply. I hope to delve deeper into the material you have highlighted in your summaries. If I was younger…(now 70)…I would probably pursue a career as a reconciliation/repair therapist. This is a concept I came up with. I believe it is sorely needed these days.
What mistakes did you make when they were growing up? You mention that you made them but don’t say what they were, how serious they were, how they were perceived by your children, whether you apologized then or now, and whether your children felt that everything was resolved in a way that ensured the same mistakes didn’t happen over and over again. Reconciliation requires curiosity, humility and vulnerability. Would you be willing to dig deeper into the dynamics in your home when your kids were growing up or are you wedded to the idea that everything went very well and the estrangement is inexplicable?
Thank you so much for this very well thought out and we'll articulated, insightful, personal and researched set of reflections. Youve truly captured all of the complex angles to this difficult subject matter. I hope you publish this into a book. Could there perhaps also be scope for a series of podcasts whereby we hear from people's own stories?!? Very relieved to start seeing this be spoken about more widely. 🙏
Issendai is right. These parents are so self obsessed and depraved that they will cry all day about how their emotions are valid and therefore all the things they think are valid. Guess what. Neither are valid. They shouldn't feel victimized because they aren't. They are the abusers.
Keep crying and insisting you're right. Never meet your grandchildren and die alone. You did it to yourself by insisting that the other party doesn't have a good reason to call you out. The former victims are living their best lives and have replaced you with a better grandparent figure.
May Long Game reap all he/she has sown and with the same devastation caused so carelessly. Little do those ruled by EGO alone learn until.they have tossed it all aside and have nothing left to blame for their failures in life. This Me-Me-Me mentality will never lead to lasting happiness in the end.
This is so cruel. I have been abandoned by my 2 grown children and now you think they replaced me a a better grandparent figure?! I love my grands and that terrible thought hit me right in the heart.
Our gratitude for your exemplary work is immense. As a daughter who experienced estrangement from her parents; and as parents of a 33 year old daughter who seemingly espouses the tenets you describe, your detailed and comprehensive series is a most welcome addition to our decades-long exploration of estrangement. Our sincere thanks! Best wishes to you as you move on elsewhere.
Author’s Note on Framing, Limits and Strategic Clarity
===================================
This series began as a personal response to something emotionally destabilising—my own estrangement experience—and developed into a long-form investigation of how estrangement now functions not just as a personal event but as a fully articulated ideological system.
Over time, the work has grown in both scope and sharpness. It maps recurring rhetorical patterns, tracks ideological reinforcement mechanisms, and pushes back against the idea that cutting ties is always an act of growth, or that emotional discomfort is synonymous with abuse. For some, that alone is enough to disqualify me—especially if you’re reading through the lens of an adult child who's internalised the belief that any parental perspective is manipulation by default.
However, this series isn’t a call for forced reconciliation. It’s not a demand for loyalty, or a defence of perfect parenting. It’s a refusal to let therapeutic ideology, online groupthink and psychologised identity scripts be treated as morally neutral ground. If that sounds like an attack to you, it’s probably because the ideological framing you’re using doesn’t tolerate scrutiny. And that’s the point.
That said, I also want to acknowledge the broader critique this series may attract from philosophical corners—especially postmodern thinkers and critical theorists from the Frankfurt School.
From a postmodern perspective, this whole project might look like just another attempt to stabilise meaning. They may well argue I’m offering a new master frame, just as loaded as the ones I’m critiquing—only sharper, colder and more syntactically coherent. They’d ask: “Who gets to decide what’s ‘ideological’ and what’s not?” And they’d be right to ask.
From a Frankfurt School lens, particularly someone like Marcuse, the critique goes deeper: that by structuring this as a methodical series—offering patterns, categories, and language maps—I risk participating in the same logic I’m critiquing. Not liberation, but refinement. Not emancipation, but intellectual formatting inside a culture that rewards critique as long as it remains inert.
And I take that seriously. I don’t claim to stand outside ideology. This is a conditioned response. A conscious reframing. A counter-instrument. I’m not building a new belief system—I’m mapping the one that already exists but refuses to name itself. The one that wraps emotional absolutism in self-care language, frames disconnection as maturity, and turns unresolved pain into identity performance.
To estranged adult children who may feel personally attacked by this series: I get that this won’t sit well. But discomfort isn’t harm, and scrutiny isn’t abuse. If your story can’t survive inspection, it may not be your story—it may be someone else’s script, handed to you by therapists, influencers or forum moderators who needed you to play a role. That doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. It means your conclusions deserve to be examined—not just echoed.
To readers seeking clarity, not comfort: this work is for you. Not because it will tell you what to think, but because it offers a frame for what’s happening around (and often through) you. It’s not the final word—it’s an interruption.
Thanks for reading—and for thinking beyond the script.
—S.H.
Even though I'm not new to estrangement, your balanced and in-depth dive into estrangement ideology has been very informative. As someone who wants to continue to shed unhealthy behavioral patterns, your posts have provided new perspectives and opportunities for growth. Thank you so much.
Hi Everyone - I am getting a lot out of reading Steven's articles and the comments. I also have used Dr. Coleman for personal therapy as an estranged parent and grandparent. I just created a Substack that will discuss the various therapies I have engaged in and found to be enormously helpful in healing the emotional pain and reaching radical acceptance to live a joyful and content life despite the many attempts at making amends (all professionally guided but failures). I understand why they failed and will discuss. I welcome you to hear my story and contribute your own stories of success in reaching contentment and happiness despite the children/grandchildren void we have in our lives.
Thanks Allison. Great to see people taking on the challenge to make things change for the better.
I am working thru your articles now. This info resonates with me deeply. Thank you for the research and for pulling it all together. Reading your articles is helping me process the confusion and grief I am experiencing. - a Hurting Mom
Hi Dana, I'm glad the articles are helping. It's such a confusing thing to have to deal with.
Stumbled on this…just by chance. I have just reviewed your extensive summary points…but am relieved that FINALLY someone is taking this seriously. This has fractured our family dynamics…but even more so…I have extrapolated to the wider consequences to our society as a whole. Families are “supposed to” be our safe havens. When we declare they are NOT…and an entire generation declares it should be so…we ALL suffer irrevocably whether the actual many individual family units are impacted directly or not.
Thank you for your thoughtful work on this. I hope to read and gain greater insight.
Many thanks for your comments, Christiane. When you have finished or done as much as you can handle on mine, I recommend Dr Joshua Colesman's substack and also Tamy Faierman's articles on estrangement as a spiritual path https://tamyfaierman.substack.com/p/part-ii-a-relationship-on-mute
I actually follow a very wise therapist on Instagram…Rachel Haack. I disagree with Dr. Josh Coleman on some very important issues.
For the record, I really don’t need support. I have been married for close to 45 years. As anyone knows…you cannot maintain a relationship of that sort unless or until you have communication, conflict management and relationship cohesion down. We raised our sons in a family where family meetings were initiated when conflict occurred. We modeled problem solving and open communication to solve conflict and address it. It is most disconcerting that they have actively chosen not to engage in those practices in addressing issues that could easily be addressed in loving, supportive and open minded communication. Like many parents…we made mistakes…all part of the growing pains that occur when you are growing up as your children are growing up. There is immense room for applying grace and forgiveness on both sides…but it does require effort, humility and a ton of forgiveness, compassion and empathy for all parties involved. One fact I have always acknowledged in my life is that you cannot force others to change. My door is always open to my sons…those who have estranged and the one who has not. We can only try to show up as the best versions of ourselves and hope others allow themselves to do the same.
Thank you for your reply. I hope to delve deeper into the material you have highlighted in your summaries. If I was younger…(now 70)…I would probably pursue a career as a reconciliation/repair therapist. This is a concept I came up with. I believe it is sorely needed these days.
What mistakes did you make when they were growing up? You mention that you made them but don’t say what they were, how serious they were, how they were perceived by your children, whether you apologized then or now, and whether your children felt that everything was resolved in a way that ensured the same mistakes didn’t happen over and over again. Reconciliation requires curiosity, humility and vulnerability. Would you be willing to dig deeper into the dynamics in your home when your kids were growing up or are you wedded to the idea that everything went very well and the estrangement is inexplicable?
Thank you so much for this very well thought out and we'll articulated, insightful, personal and researched set of reflections. Youve truly captured all of the complex angles to this difficult subject matter. I hope you publish this into a book. Could there perhaps also be scope for a series of podcasts whereby we hear from people's own stories?!? Very relieved to start seeing this be spoken about more widely. 🙏
Have you thought of making this a textbook?
Issendai is right. These parents are so self obsessed and depraved that they will cry all day about how their emotions are valid and therefore all the things they think are valid. Guess what. Neither are valid. They shouldn't feel victimized because they aren't. They are the abusers.
Keep crying and insisting you're right. Never meet your grandchildren and die alone. You did it to yourself by insisting that the other party doesn't have a good reason to call you out. The former victims are living their best lives and have replaced you with a better grandparent figure.
Hateful message.
May Long Game reap all he/she has sown and with the same devastation caused so carelessly. Little do those ruled by EGO alone learn until.they have tossed it all aside and have nothing left to blame for their failures in life. This Me-Me-Me mentality will never lead to lasting happiness in the end.
All the bridges that you burn
Come back one day to haunt you
One day you'll find you're walking lonely
Tracey Chapman lyrics
This is so cruel. I have been abandoned by my 2 grown children and now you think they replaced me a a better grandparent figure?! I love my grands and that terrible thought hit me right in the heart.