Steven, thank you so much for putting this series together. I'll be reading ALL of it.
I'm sorry to hear of the estrangements of your 2 kids. It's an experience one does not prepare for as a parent. My oldest daughter has cut off contact for 1.5 years with me and most of her 4 siblings. There was no specific incident that transpired to result in her actions. Our relationship was very close and nothing prepared me for this 'ambiguous loss'. Thank you again for opening this conversation on your page as I have not participated in any community that discusses this loss. I am happy to receive any resources you recommend. I'll be writing my personal experience in my publication, soon. Sending blessings, Tamy Skye✨🙏
Hi Tamy, I'll be delighted if parents placed in this situation can start to make sense of what has happened and the forces shaping their adult children's ideas and actions. I'm not saying I was blameless, but mostly our offence was that we overshared material during covid that was against the narrative and also started looking around sharing about at what else we had been lied to about throughout our lives. Obviously, this became a subject of some concern to us and have to confess it dominited our thoughts and interaction with them.
But, that was enough to get us put in the "No Contact (NC)" sin-bin. After that, things got worse and I have to confess to at least one angry response about them having cut off their mother (my own mother died of cancer aged 48 when I was 27 and my eldest was only a year old).
I struggled to understand what had happened until my daughter doxed me on Reddit last June and via a ping-back I discovered the estranged community there. What a mix of heartache and toxicity that revealed! There really are no winners in this.
My hope is parents can start to understand what if happening to them a bit more clearly and maybe not beat themselves up quite so badly.
Steve, thank you for your reply. Sounds like you’ve had a tough path (so sorry for the early passing of your mother). It seems you have some glimpse of understanding of what transpired with your kids, though it’s still hard to believe that we can’t communicate honestly and openly and stay in each other’s lives. I tried following the breadcrumbs of every conversation I can recall from the last few years and still cannot understand how we came to this.
Your articles (which I’m still reading) are SO HELPFUL, as I have not read much on estrangement, thinking I was ‘accepting’ of it, since it’s been 1.5yrs, but reading your articles is helping me understand the issue on a MUCH deeper level. I was going to get J. Campbell’s book, unless you recommend another. Thank you immensely, in deep gratitude! 🙏😊
Sorry, but I've not investigated many of the books about the subject. The ones I have seen have been largely written by therapists or counsellors and focused on the adult child perspective or helping the parents "fix" themselves to prove their worthiness.
Wow as a mom of an estranged son and daughter in law and now alienated from my grandchildren this was an interesting read. I wish you had a podcast on this topic. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your posts in this series. Thank you
Initially - H Lerner had written a lot of book on the topic , back in the 80s. Her books were very good, and her recommendations were always about talking, trying to navigate the relationships (ie HARD work ). There is nothing inherently wrong with boundaries , etc. but something has gone deeply off track between then and now. Because now it’s not doing hard relationship work - it’s the easiest path that’s taken ( just cut the person out-if friends can be ghosted so can parents ). And as you say, they avoid the hard work by triangulating with the larger online community. Back in the day , the triangulation would be with other family members. Triangulation is a means of avoidance .
In contrast - my mom had a LOT of problems , was emotional abusive in my youth , I didn’t reduce time with my mom u til I was 50 and she was in her 80s, that’s how long I tried and worked on that relationship .
I have estrangement with a daughter at 17 whom I was once extremely close with most of her youth. If you’ve read the research , you undoubtedly know that most parents do not even get a discussion , a reason - they’re left in the dark as to the “crimes.”
I’d add , and maybe you’ll write about this- it is a form of shunning - which is extremely harmful to the person being shunned. I lost relationships with other moms in her friend group - was not incl in prom photo session, etc . You not only lose the child relationship but extended community. It’s pretty devastating. It is without ? The most painful thing I’ve ever gone through - incl divorce, death of parents . It’s as if that person died but you can never process it- cannot talk about how u miss them, funny stories , etc.
Many thanks for your comment. Yes, the cutoff practice is definitely a way of avoiding doing the hard work, which is covered in Part 9. The Emotional Immaturity Paradox.
The issue of parents often being totally oblivious of their transgressions or crimes is covered in Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values and the problem of being shunned is covered in Part 6. A Subtle Form of Elder Abuse.
I'm still learning and adding new articles as my research and thinking on the subject evolve. Beyond understanding the dynamics of what is happening, I am giving thought to strategies parents and other family members can take to reconnecting with their adult children, something that is particularly difficult under "No Contact (NC)" conditions and strict boundary setting regimes.
The one-sided nature of the proof of worth to reconnect and power dynamics this establishes at covered in Part 3. and from my perspective seem very cult-like, something to consider.
Cheers and, again, many thanks for joining the conversation. I would very much value your thoughts and feedback on the subject as we move forward.
Hi Marty, It's a complex issue; there are assuredly some parents who are quite plainly abusive to their children and those children need support. However, the online communities go well beyond that to create closed echo chambers that reinforce victimhood and amplify estrangement ideation, such as promoting and cheer leading "no contact" decisions. As an ideology, I am quite clearly opposed, but I have to confess to be personally invested by my own situation as an estranged parent. I guess, my question is accepted by whom?
Thank you for your kindness reply. I agree that there is more than likely a fair amount of Adult children who have experienced physical or psychological abuse that estrangement might be necessary for. However, I believe that estrangement is becoming the hew and accepted norm for adult children rather than working through relational issues. I was inquiring as to whether or not you thought society as a whole should just accept estrangement as this younger generation’s way of coping with things they don’t want to face?
I think it undesirable that estrangement has turned into a "thing" with a language, codified set of practices, and closed echo chamber communities of practice. But, accept it or not, it exists and all we can do is expose it and lay bare its consequences.
You are doing a fantastic job of discussing and organizing the process of this "thing". I suspect, as they do with most online blogs written by estranged parents, the righteous kids rationalizing their victimhood will find this substack and post comments deploying their unique brand of circular logic and hostility.
Well.... as my siblings know.... I experienced ACTUAL physical abuse from our dad. I would NEVER have consider punishing him or my mother for his failures. I broke the cycle and my kids were never abused. My father's early life was far worse than ours. I have one son estranged and one son who is trustworthy and loving. Both married with one child each.
The culture uses therapeutic language and demonisaton to make one-dimensional caricatures of parents. I have spoke about this in connection in Part 28 (due out in two days) and referenced Herbert Marcuse's writing in his book The One-Dimensional Man which is a critique this aspect of modern culture.
Strict boundary setting regimes… this is another means of simplifying . Relationships - all relationships - take time and work , both parties feel heard , respected , cared about, loved. The irony is that they feel like they’ve arrived - that they’ve done the hard work , when in reality , they’ve taken the easy route.
M daughter wears a cross around her neck - symbolic of her following teachings of Christ . In a similar vein , walking the path of Christianity is hard work , if a decision is easy - it’s typically not a moral , ethical path. In this too I feel that adult children take an easy route , right ?
I feel as you say - one side makes demands - one side is more important , one side doesn’t need to respect, listen , etc. it’s an emotionally abusive relationship , even if it’s NC.
I’m reading them all . I’ve also read some books , while back when it all began.
I’m just curious, Your daughter is a Christian? Are you a Christian? I’m asking because my ES and EDIL are and we feel like the church is encouraging this estrangement.
I am not now - I raised by daughter in the UU congregation - and in Boulder - so very progressive. She started inching closer to Mainstream Christianity - I am not sure which faith - but she still lives in Boulder county - and there are not a lot of fundamental Christian sects that thrive here- we’re one of the most secular areas of the entire country. She does like country western Christian songs . Being raised Catholic , and her father raised as a Catholic too - the family she has left is either atheist (dad) or European Catholic (old school ). She has cousins in UK that are Baptist - but European Baptist so different than our congregations. All this said , I don’t think that is a facet in the estrangement - if anything she’s getting a heavy dose of Christian teachings which would not support such actions, such cruelty - it definitely was not how she was raised . I think she’s gone on for so long that she cannot easily get herself out , make amends because things she’s done now are pretty cruel . To recognize that and try to figure out what to do , I think is t possible given her age. I do not know if she is in therapy and/or in counsel with a religious leader.
Thank you for your kindness in sharing. I was curious because my son was raised Christian and I am also a Christian and we actually believe that their church may be supporting this (which would make that church not a Christian church). We do not attend the same church. We are warned in the Bible so many times about false teachers and to be on the lookout for them and I think that this may be what we personally are dealing with.
Well there is sooooo much about forgiveness , acceptance . My faith now UU has basic tenets and one of them specifically deals with tolerance/acceptance of all faiths, though we have a foundation in Christianity - it’s bc it hails back to the pilgrims and that they left England under religious persecution . I think some religions now are very cult like .
Your Substack was recommended by one of my instagram followers, I’m so glad they did. Everything you write tracks with my observations as a therapist specializing in estrangement and family conflict. And a personal note: I couldn’t help but think with deep sadness about how much you and your wife have been affected. I thought to myself “this is the effort of a father who cares deeply about his children” as I read through your thorough articulation of dynamics underlying this painful societal shift. Thank you for sharing, I’m wishing you and your family the very best.
Many thanks, Rachel. Yes, it's been a hard three and a half years now. But, the more I get into it, the more I realise we are far from alone in this terrible epidemic. We cannot read the parent forums, it's hard enough seeing the implied pain and desperation of parents reflected in what is written in estranged adult child forums I have been observing.
I have learned so much over the last 5 years of my estrangement from my eldest son and daughter-in-law. My research into this unfathomable situation has led me to your series. My thoughts regarding the reasons behind this estrangement, which seem to me to be so commonplace nowadays, are strikingly similar to those in this article. I am looking forward to reading your series.
You’re so right. I struggled for a few years and it took a toll, but I have kept reading and finding explanations that finally make some sense to me and I find that oddly comforting.
Really appreciated this. The idea of estrangement hit home—there’s this low-level hum of disconnection in everything now, like we're not with each other, just near each other. What struck me reading this is how often we’re treated less like people and more like customers. Everyone thinks the other is a narcist. Whether it’s work, relationships, or politics, the default lens seems to be: “What can I get out of this?” instead of “What can we build?”
Feels like the deeper issue is structural. When the whole system is built around consumption and individualism, even our sense of self gets commercialized.
Anyway, thanks for putting language to something a lot of us feel but can’t quite name.
There is something deeply wrong in our culture and ideological estrangement is only one part of a much wider picture. As you say, we are customers rather than people or even citizens. This mirrors Adorno's idea of the "One Dimensional Man" where people are commodified and de-individualised in mass culture.
Thank you. You perfectly put into words what I have been seeing on the internet since my daughter went No Contact for more than four years now. The sad part of the story is that it has become a trend with a cult mentality because if they aren't allowed to talk, they become stock in self-isolation, loneliness, and more mental health problems without family support
The question I have is why this has become such a common part of our culture? I have to wonder if the seeds of this are being planted by those who want to bring western society down. It seems to be a well-known historical technique that if you want to radically change a society, you get the young people to turn on their families and separate themselves from the values and wisdom of the older generation. I see echoes of Mao.
Last year my sister in law initiated a family war that’s led to her and my brother becoming completely estranged from my parents and me and my family. We’re no longer allowed to see their kids. My parents are devastated. My parents have never been anything but welcoming and loving and helpful to her and did absolutely nothing that anyone could view as justifying this. Her complaints were things like being late (mostly my family, not my parents), using phones during family gatherings, and having pet hair in my home, so nothing that could even remotely be construed as abuse.
I really have to wonder what corner of the internet my sister in law is spending her time in.
These questions are definitely one of the reasons I started this series of articles. At first I was curious to explore the how, but later articles start to address the why. I would also point you to an excellent article by Rachel Haack that uses the model of cultural subversion first enunciated by Soviet defector, Yuri Bezmenov, to explore the issues from this perspective. I'm not saying "the Russians are doing it", rather we might like to consider that there are forces embedded in our society that have been working for decades and we are perhaps now seeing the fruits of their efforts. This applies not just to estrangement and family breakdown but to a whole raft of ills that seem to be afflicting modern society.
I too am wondering the exact same thing - why is this happening right now, who exactly is behind it all and what is the ultimate objective? So far, no one has been able to clearly answer the "why?", the "who?" and the ultimate objectives. I think you're on to something about radically changing western society. Our children are being psychologically abducted in radical ways.... who, exactly is behind this? This topic is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking
Thank you for this well-laid-out description of many of the main issues faced in this situation. Our daughter estranged almost five years ago. We reconnected about a year ago but it's fragile. There are a couple of books I would recommend in addition to Josh Coleman's book. I think Karl Pillemer's book, Fault Lines, is the most comprehensive study of estrangement I've seen. Pillemer conducted the Cornell Family Reconciliation Project, and his findings combine both a national survey of 1340 individuals who had experienced estrangement and in-depth interviews with 270 more. Pillemer's book was published in 2020. Also, with reconciliation as a goal, I would recommend Tina Gilbertson and The Reconnection Club podcast. Tina is a therapist and takes a more compassionate view of our adult children who estrange, but her 10-minute podcasts are highly informative and affirming for those of us wending our way through this painful time (https://reconnectionclub.com/podcast/). I hope this has been helpful.
Hi Wendy, many thanks for your comments and reference to these resources. I have been in communication with Dr Coleman and really like his work too. It might be a good idea to have a resources article on the series too, what do you think?
I totally agree with your idea. Let's please share all the resources. Parents need to know about trusted sources to deal and understood the magnitude of the trend
I have created a Chat thread for anyone who wants to share useful resources like books, websites or videos on estrangement here—anything that focuses on solutions is especially welcome:
Hi Steven. I’m not sure what you mean by a “resources article.” I think you include an introductory article about the series you are offering—was it something like this you had in mind, or perhaps a more general article about resources related to estrangement that may be useful for your readers.
FYI, our ED was adopted, and a frustration for me in my research has been that there is virtually nothing out there about the issue of estrangement in adoption. Adoption adds a whole other layer of complexity to this phenomenon, and it’s becoming recognized as a substantial issue. For this reason and because I have a background as a researcher and journalist, I’m writing a memoir that addresses this complexity.
Thank you again for the information you are sharing.
Hi Wendy, I have a summary and index to the articles penned as a round up. Was thinking maybe an article listing resources like books, articles, videos people have found useful. Maybe just a starter and people can add their own ideas as comments might work.
Yes, I expect adoption is very likely a source of much complexity, so much potential for feelings of rejection already and emotional layers above that. I hope you find peace through your memoir.
Steven, I’m writing a hybrid memoir, that is, a personal narrative thread but also much research. In this case, much about estrangement but also adoption, trauma, and epigenetics. It sounds like you already have much on estrangement, but I’ll be happy to suggest anything I have that might expand your list.
Thanks, Wendy. Your memoir sounds interesting, everyone seems to find their own way to make sense of their experience. I originally started with something similar as a way of understanding the sequence of events, emotional journey and different ways of looking at it all. It was a valuable exercise, even if not one other person ever reads it.
Hello Steven - I came across your writing through Joshua Coleman's latest email. I read with great interest the piece on neurodiversity and felt an immediate lift in spirits as it gave deeper understanding of what has gone on. We had worked with Dr. Coleman when our daughter first estranged us, reconnected, and then estranged again. Through all of this there has been a gradual release of guilt and shame being replaced by acceptance and a bit of anger. I cannot help but think even as we put our lives back together the short and long term consequences for our daughter. I said to our son that I hadn't given up but was giving time. There' so much more I could write or say. I wonder if there could be a group forum (zoom?) for parents interested in sharing experiences and supporting each other. The clarity and insight of your work would be a game changer for many. We accept that there were shortcomings in our parenting but do not accept the demonization and narrative that defines us in such extreme ways.
Hi Donald, I think neurodiversity has a lot to do with the breakdown for many families, looking back I think the situation with my own son has many of the hallmarks. I appreciate your suggestion, but given I have only been working on this for such a short time I'd rather leave the group work to experienced people like Dr Coleman. I really appreciate your support. Kind regards
Valuable work. All psychotherapy patients should be on the lookout for clinicians who support this over the need to maintain healthy relationships as a prerequisite for human flourishing. It’s a variety if what Lori Gottlieb, the LMFT author of that book you need to talk to someone has called “idiot compassion” (you’re right, the rest of the world is wrong”). Look forward to more of your analysis and discussion.
Just gave it a quick re-read (time on my hands)and have to say I love it. The negative reviews I saw were “not what I was hoping for” or what I needed. Personally I think it’s a rich humane exploration of what therapy can be. It’s not a manual for finding a good one, true. maybe she should write that next.
Good points both. I notice it is highly requested in our local library system. Seems a popular ideology for which people are seeking justification. When my turn comes I will read and report back. There has to be a difference between Dickensian abuse by a borderline personality-disordered parent and i didn’t always feel all the love i wanted/needed (but people have different capacities for coping, true).
Going back to it now since it’s been a while. She made the comment in her recent appearance on the Andrew Huberman podcast appearance speaking about relationships, I mean, Huberman pontificating on relationships? I had to give a little hate-listen, I mean, like catnip.
This is such an interesting thing to read- I have 2 teenage daughters and the thought of estrangement from them is unbearable. And I was someone who distanced myself from my mother- for very good reasons. I was not ever able to fully estranged from her because of the impact it would have on the rest of the family. But the knowledge that I could destroy the relationship between me and my children has always been at the forefront of my mind in parenting them.
At this phase of parenting and life, the best I can say is I’ve tried and been very imperfect. I hope I can maintain our relationships, our family. I feel so deeply the pain of all of these parents here.
Thank you for this perspective. Your commitment to take the wider family cohesion is a sign of a traditionally mature approach to family differences. Unfortunately, the "I've tried and been very imperfect" has taken on a trigger quality for many in the online forums, so that a full accounting with acknowledgement of all harms perpetrated and heartfelt apology are now required—although as I have commented on in Part 32. The Unfillable Void, this may not deliver what they think they want or need. If you have a good relationship already, my best advice it to maintain regular dialogue, like daily or weekly phone calls. Maintain your humanity, discuss past events that could be at risk of being later re-written unfavourably or as abuse. Avoid being cast as a stereotypical object.
😳 FINALLY! 5 years of utter madness and research, I stumble upon you in a estrangement support group; Part 38. THIS is exactly what my daughter has done to us and her entire family. She is in a friggin’ cult! I am NOT insane.
Please check the CPTSD foundation web page. They encourage No Contact with graphics that can influence even children and they have links to resources to go No Contact with the "right therapists" and supprt to guide them through the process according to them. At the end it's all about money, it's a business for them.
Just read this article and feel relieved because you seem to be really understand estrangement, but when I read your most recent, I didn’t get that feeling. I’m going to read more articles now.
Steven, thank you so much for putting this series together. I'll be reading ALL of it.
I'm sorry to hear of the estrangements of your 2 kids. It's an experience one does not prepare for as a parent. My oldest daughter has cut off contact for 1.5 years with me and most of her 4 siblings. There was no specific incident that transpired to result in her actions. Our relationship was very close and nothing prepared me for this 'ambiguous loss'. Thank you again for opening this conversation on your page as I have not participated in any community that discusses this loss. I am happy to receive any resources you recommend. I'll be writing my personal experience in my publication, soon. Sending blessings, Tamy Skye✨🙏
Hi Tamy, I'll be delighted if parents placed in this situation can start to make sense of what has happened and the forces shaping their adult children's ideas and actions. I'm not saying I was blameless, but mostly our offence was that we overshared material during covid that was against the narrative and also started looking around sharing about at what else we had been lied to about throughout our lives. Obviously, this became a subject of some concern to us and have to confess it dominited our thoughts and interaction with them.
But, that was enough to get us put in the "No Contact (NC)" sin-bin. After that, things got worse and I have to confess to at least one angry response about them having cut off their mother (my own mother died of cancer aged 48 when I was 27 and my eldest was only a year old).
I struggled to understand what had happened until my daughter doxed me on Reddit last June and via a ping-back I discovered the estranged community there. What a mix of heartache and toxicity that revealed! There really are no winners in this.
My hope is parents can start to understand what if happening to them a bit more clearly and maybe not beat themselves up quite so badly.
Kind regards Steven
Steve, thank you for your reply. Sounds like you’ve had a tough path (so sorry for the early passing of your mother). It seems you have some glimpse of understanding of what transpired with your kids, though it’s still hard to believe that we can’t communicate honestly and openly and stay in each other’s lives. I tried following the breadcrumbs of every conversation I can recall from the last few years and still cannot understand how we came to this.
Your articles (which I’m still reading) are SO HELPFUL, as I have not read much on estrangement, thinking I was ‘accepting’ of it, since it’s been 1.5yrs, but reading your articles is helping me understand the issue on a MUCH deeper level. I was going to get J. Campbell’s book, unless you recommend another. Thank you immensely, in deep gratitude! 🙏😊
Sorry, but I've not investigated many of the books about the subject. The ones I have seen have been largely written by therapists or counsellors and focused on the adult child perspective or helping the parents "fix" themselves to prove their worthiness.
Wow as a mom of an estranged son and daughter in law and now alienated from my grandchildren this was an interesting read. I wish you had a podcast on this topic. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your posts in this series. Thank you
Hi Marty, thanks for the feedback. I hope you find a way through. Kind regards
Initially - H Lerner had written a lot of book on the topic , back in the 80s. Her books were very good, and her recommendations were always about talking, trying to navigate the relationships (ie HARD work ). There is nothing inherently wrong with boundaries , etc. but something has gone deeply off track between then and now. Because now it’s not doing hard relationship work - it’s the easiest path that’s taken ( just cut the person out-if friends can be ghosted so can parents ). And as you say, they avoid the hard work by triangulating with the larger online community. Back in the day , the triangulation would be with other family members. Triangulation is a means of avoidance .
In contrast - my mom had a LOT of problems , was emotional abusive in my youth , I didn’t reduce time with my mom u til I was 50 and she was in her 80s, that’s how long I tried and worked on that relationship .
I have estrangement with a daughter at 17 whom I was once extremely close with most of her youth. If you’ve read the research , you undoubtedly know that most parents do not even get a discussion , a reason - they’re left in the dark as to the “crimes.”
I’d add , and maybe you’ll write about this- it is a form of shunning - which is extremely harmful to the person being shunned. I lost relationships with other moms in her friend group - was not incl in prom photo session, etc . You not only lose the child relationship but extended community. It’s pretty devastating. It is without ? The most painful thing I’ve ever gone through - incl divorce, death of parents . It’s as if that person died but you can never process it- cannot talk about how u miss them, funny stories , etc.
Any way interested to read what you’re writing .
Hi Kris,
Many thanks for your comment. Yes, the cutoff practice is definitely a way of avoiding doing the hard work, which is covered in Part 9. The Emotional Immaturity Paradox.
The issue of parents often being totally oblivious of their transgressions or crimes is covered in Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values and the problem of being shunned is covered in Part 6. A Subtle Form of Elder Abuse.
I'm still learning and adding new articles as my research and thinking on the subject evolve. Beyond understanding the dynamics of what is happening, I am giving thought to strategies parents and other family members can take to reconnecting with their adult children, something that is particularly difficult under "No Contact (NC)" conditions and strict boundary setting regimes.
The one-sided nature of the proof of worth to reconnect and power dynamics this establishes at covered in Part 3. and from my perspective seem very cult-like, something to consider.
Cheers and, again, many thanks for joining the conversation. I would very much value your thoughts and feedback on the subject as we move forward.
Warm regards
Steven
Do you personally believe that the Estrangement Ideology movement should generally be accepted?
Hi Marty, It's a complex issue; there are assuredly some parents who are quite plainly abusive to their children and those children need support. However, the online communities go well beyond that to create closed echo chambers that reinforce victimhood and amplify estrangement ideation, such as promoting and cheer leading "no contact" decisions. As an ideology, I am quite clearly opposed, but I have to confess to be personally invested by my own situation as an estranged parent. I guess, my question is accepted by whom?
Thank you for your kindness reply. I agree that there is more than likely a fair amount of Adult children who have experienced physical or psychological abuse that estrangement might be necessary for. However, I believe that estrangement is becoming the hew and accepted norm for adult children rather than working through relational issues. I was inquiring as to whether or not you thought society as a whole should just accept estrangement as this younger generation’s way of coping with things they don’t want to face?
I think it undesirable that estrangement has turned into a "thing" with a language, codified set of practices, and closed echo chamber communities of practice. But, accept it or not, it exists and all we can do is expose it and lay bare its consequences.
You are doing a fantastic job of discussing and organizing the process of this "thing". I suspect, as they do with most online blogs written by estranged parents, the righteous kids rationalizing their victimhood will find this substack and post comments deploying their unique brand of circular logic and hostility.
Well.... as my siblings know.... I experienced ACTUAL physical abuse from our dad. I would NEVER have consider punishing him or my mother for his failures. I broke the cycle and my kids were never abused. My father's early life was far worse than ours. I have one son estranged and one son who is trustworthy and loving. Both married with one child each.
The culture uses therapeutic language and demonisaton to make one-dimensional caricatures of parents. I have spoke about this in connection in Part 28 (due out in two days) and referenced Herbert Marcuse's writing in his book The One-Dimensional Man which is a critique this aspect of modern culture.
Strict boundary setting regimes… this is another means of simplifying . Relationships - all relationships - take time and work , both parties feel heard , respected , cared about, loved. The irony is that they feel like they’ve arrived - that they’ve done the hard work , when in reality , they’ve taken the easy route.
M daughter wears a cross around her neck - symbolic of her following teachings of Christ . In a similar vein , walking the path of Christianity is hard work , if a decision is easy - it’s typically not a moral , ethical path. In this too I feel that adult children take an easy route , right ?
I feel as you say - one side makes demands - one side is more important , one side doesn’t need to respect, listen , etc. it’s an emotionally abusive relationship , even if it’s NC.
I’m reading them all . I’ve also read some books , while back when it all began.
I’m just curious, Your daughter is a Christian? Are you a Christian? I’m asking because my ES and EDIL are and we feel like the church is encouraging this estrangement.
I am not now - I raised by daughter in the UU congregation - and in Boulder - so very progressive. She started inching closer to Mainstream Christianity - I am not sure which faith - but she still lives in Boulder county - and there are not a lot of fundamental Christian sects that thrive here- we’re one of the most secular areas of the entire country. She does like country western Christian songs . Being raised Catholic , and her father raised as a Catholic too - the family she has left is either atheist (dad) or European Catholic (old school ). She has cousins in UK that are Baptist - but European Baptist so different than our congregations. All this said , I don’t think that is a facet in the estrangement - if anything she’s getting a heavy dose of Christian teachings which would not support such actions, such cruelty - it definitely was not how she was raised . I think she’s gone on for so long that she cannot easily get herself out , make amends because things she’s done now are pretty cruel . To recognize that and try to figure out what to do , I think is t possible given her age. I do not know if she is in therapy and/or in counsel with a religious leader.
I’m sorry that you have estranged family members .🙏🏽
Thank you for your kindness in sharing. I was curious because my son was raised Christian and I am also a Christian and we actually believe that their church may be supporting this (which would make that church not a Christian church). We do not attend the same church. We are warned in the Bible so many times about false teachers and to be on the lookout for them and I think that this may be what we personally are dealing with.
Well there is sooooo much about forgiveness , acceptance . My faith now UU has basic tenets and one of them specifically deals with tolerance/acceptance of all faiths, though we have a foundation in Christianity - it’s bc it hails back to the pilgrims and that they left England under religious persecution . I think some religions now are very cult like .
Your Substack was recommended by one of my instagram followers, I’m so glad they did. Everything you write tracks with my observations as a therapist specializing in estrangement and family conflict. And a personal note: I couldn’t help but think with deep sadness about how much you and your wife have been affected. I thought to myself “this is the effort of a father who cares deeply about his children” as I read through your thorough articulation of dynamics underlying this painful societal shift. Thank you for sharing, I’m wishing you and your family the very best.
Many thanks, Rachel. Yes, it's been a hard three and a half years now. But, the more I get into it, the more I realise we are far from alone in this terrible epidemic. We cannot read the parent forums, it's hard enough seeing the implied pain and desperation of parents reflected in what is written in estranged adult child forums I have been observing.
I have learned so much over the last 5 years of my estrangement from my eldest son and daughter-in-law. My research into this unfathomable situation has led me to your series. My thoughts regarding the reasons behind this estrangement, which seem to me to be so commonplace nowadays, are strikingly similar to those in this article. I am looking forward to reading your series.
Hi Debra, I hope you find it useful. Understanding is the first step.
You’re so right. I struggled for a few years and it took a toll, but I have kept reading and finding explanations that finally make some sense to me and I find that oddly comforting.
Really appreciated this. The idea of estrangement hit home—there’s this low-level hum of disconnection in everything now, like we're not with each other, just near each other. What struck me reading this is how often we’re treated less like people and more like customers. Everyone thinks the other is a narcist. Whether it’s work, relationships, or politics, the default lens seems to be: “What can I get out of this?” instead of “What can we build?”
Feels like the deeper issue is structural. When the whole system is built around consumption and individualism, even our sense of self gets commercialized.
Anyway, thanks for putting language to something a lot of us feel but can’t quite name.
There is something deeply wrong in our culture and ideological estrangement is only one part of a much wider picture. As you say, we are customers rather than people or even citizens. This mirrors Adorno's idea of the "One Dimensional Man" where people are commodified and de-individualised in mass culture.
Well-put!
Thank you. You perfectly put into words what I have been seeing on the internet since my daughter went No Contact for more than four years now. The sad part of the story is that it has become a trend with a cult mentality because if they aren't allowed to talk, they become stock in self-isolation, loneliness, and more mental health problems without family support
No contact is a dead end. Nothing can be done until people talk.
The question I have is why this has become such a common part of our culture? I have to wonder if the seeds of this are being planted by those who want to bring western society down. It seems to be a well-known historical technique that if you want to radically change a society, you get the young people to turn on their families and separate themselves from the values and wisdom of the older generation. I see echoes of Mao.
Last year my sister in law initiated a family war that’s led to her and my brother becoming completely estranged from my parents and me and my family. We’re no longer allowed to see their kids. My parents are devastated. My parents have never been anything but welcoming and loving and helpful to her and did absolutely nothing that anyone could view as justifying this. Her complaints were things like being late (mostly my family, not my parents), using phones during family gatherings, and having pet hair in my home, so nothing that could even remotely be construed as abuse.
I really have to wonder what corner of the internet my sister in law is spending her time in.
These questions are definitely one of the reasons I started this series of articles. At first I was curious to explore the how, but later articles start to address the why. I would also point you to an excellent article by Rachel Haack that uses the model of cultural subversion first enunciated by Soviet defector, Yuri Bezmenov, to explore the issues from this perspective. I'm not saying "the Russians are doing it", rather we might like to consider that there are forces embedded in our society that have been working for decades and we are perhaps now seeing the fruits of their efforts. This applies not just to estrangement and family breakdown but to a whole raft of ills that seem to be afflicting modern society.
https://rachelhaack.substack.com/p/weve-been-subvertedand-its-showing
I too am wondering the exact same thing - why is this happening right now, who exactly is behind it all and what is the ultimate objective? So far, no one has been able to clearly answer the "why?", the "who?" and the ultimate objectives. I think you're on to something about radically changing western society. Our children are being psychologically abducted in radical ways.... who, exactly is behind this? This topic is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking
Thank you for this well-laid-out description of many of the main issues faced in this situation. Our daughter estranged almost five years ago. We reconnected about a year ago but it's fragile. There are a couple of books I would recommend in addition to Josh Coleman's book. I think Karl Pillemer's book, Fault Lines, is the most comprehensive study of estrangement I've seen. Pillemer conducted the Cornell Family Reconciliation Project, and his findings combine both a national survey of 1340 individuals who had experienced estrangement and in-depth interviews with 270 more. Pillemer's book was published in 2020. Also, with reconciliation as a goal, I would recommend Tina Gilbertson and The Reconnection Club podcast. Tina is a therapist and takes a more compassionate view of our adult children who estrange, but her 10-minute podcasts are highly informative and affirming for those of us wending our way through this painful time (https://reconnectionclub.com/podcast/). I hope this has been helpful.
Hi Wendy, many thanks for your comments and reference to these resources. I have been in communication with Dr Coleman and really like his work too. It might be a good idea to have a resources article on the series too, what do you think?
I totally agree with your idea. Let's please share all the resources. Parents need to know about trusted sources to deal and understood the magnitude of the trend
I have created a Chat thread for anyone who wants to share useful resources like books, websites or videos on estrangement here—anything that focuses on solutions is especially welcome:
https://substack.com/chat/2786494/post/ee1b2197-4376-404b-9d66-928e83c5b18a
Hi Steven. I’m not sure what you mean by a “resources article.” I think you include an introductory article about the series you are offering—was it something like this you had in mind, or perhaps a more general article about resources related to estrangement that may be useful for your readers.
FYI, our ED was adopted, and a frustration for me in my research has been that there is virtually nothing out there about the issue of estrangement in adoption. Adoption adds a whole other layer of complexity to this phenomenon, and it’s becoming recognized as a substantial issue. For this reason and because I have a background as a researcher and journalist, I’m writing a memoir that addresses this complexity.
Thank you again for the information you are sharing.
Hi Wendy, I have a summary and index to the articles penned as a round up. Was thinking maybe an article listing resources like books, articles, videos people have found useful. Maybe just a starter and people can add their own ideas as comments might work.
Yes, I expect adoption is very likely a source of much complexity, so much potential for feelings of rejection already and emotional layers above that. I hope you find peace through your memoir.
Steven, I’m writing a hybrid memoir, that is, a personal narrative thread but also much research. In this case, much about estrangement but also adoption, trauma, and epigenetics. It sounds like you already have much on estrangement, but I’ll be happy to suggest anything I have that might expand your list.
Thanks, Wendy. Your memoir sounds interesting, everyone seems to find their own way to make sense of their experience. I originally started with something similar as a way of understanding the sequence of events, emotional journey and different ways of looking at it all. It was a valuable exercise, even if not one other person ever reads it.
Hello Steven - I came across your writing through Joshua Coleman's latest email. I read with great interest the piece on neurodiversity and felt an immediate lift in spirits as it gave deeper understanding of what has gone on. We had worked with Dr. Coleman when our daughter first estranged us, reconnected, and then estranged again. Through all of this there has been a gradual release of guilt and shame being replaced by acceptance and a bit of anger. I cannot help but think even as we put our lives back together the short and long term consequences for our daughter. I said to our son that I hadn't given up but was giving time. There' so much more I could write or say. I wonder if there could be a group forum (zoom?) for parents interested in sharing experiences and supporting each other. The clarity and insight of your work would be a game changer for many. We accept that there were shortcomings in our parenting but do not accept the demonization and narrative that defines us in such extreme ways.
Thank You so much for your work! Donald Wiegmann
Hi Donald, I think neurodiversity has a lot to do with the breakdown for many families, looking back I think the situation with my own son has many of the hallmarks. I appreciate your suggestion, but given I have only been working on this for such a short time I'd rather leave the group work to experienced people like Dr Coleman. I really appreciate your support. Kind regards
Valuable work. All psychotherapy patients should be on the lookout for clinicians who support this over the need to maintain healthy relationships as a prerequisite for human flourishing. It’s a variety if what Lori Gottlieb, the LMFT author of that book you need to talk to someone has called “idiot compassion” (you’re right, the rest of the world is wrong”). Look forward to more of your analysis and discussion.
Thanks, Cassandra. Interested in you impressions of Gottleib's book, it has rather mixed reviews on Amazon.
Just gave it a quick re-read (time on my hands)and have to say I love it. The negative reviews I saw were “not what I was hoping for” or what I needed. Personally I think it’s a rich humane exploration of what therapy can be. It’s not a manual for finding a good one, true. maybe she should write that next.
Gottlieb has endorsed books promoting estrangement. Wise vs Idiot compassion is a concept framed by the controversial Buddhist bad boy Chogyam Trungpa
Thank you will look into this. What books?
new book by Eamon Dolan, The Power of Parting.
I have not read it, nor likely to. If anyone happens to know, it would be interesting to understand the "abuse" Dolan claims he survived. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202503/when-estrangement-is-empowerment
found some details in this article https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/30/books/review/the-power-of-parting-eamon-dolan.html?unlocked_article_code=1.704.SOln.2_AabZRXGnaR&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Good points both. I notice it is highly requested in our local library system. Seems a popular ideology for which people are seeking justification. When my turn comes I will read and report back. There has to be a difference between Dickensian abuse by a borderline personality-disordered parent and i didn’t always feel all the love i wanted/needed (but people have different capacities for coping, true).
Going back to it now since it’s been a while. She made the comment in her recent appearance on the Andrew Huberman podcast appearance speaking about relationships, I mean, Huberman pontificating on relationships? I had to give a little hate-listen, I mean, like catnip.
This is such an interesting thing to read- I have 2 teenage daughters and the thought of estrangement from them is unbearable. And I was someone who distanced myself from my mother- for very good reasons. I was not ever able to fully estranged from her because of the impact it would have on the rest of the family. But the knowledge that I could destroy the relationship between me and my children has always been at the forefront of my mind in parenting them.
At this phase of parenting and life, the best I can say is I’ve tried and been very imperfect. I hope I can maintain our relationships, our family. I feel so deeply the pain of all of these parents here.
Thank you for this perspective. Your commitment to take the wider family cohesion is a sign of a traditionally mature approach to family differences. Unfortunately, the "I've tried and been very imperfect" has taken on a trigger quality for many in the online forums, so that a full accounting with acknowledgement of all harms perpetrated and heartfelt apology are now required—although as I have commented on in Part 32. The Unfillable Void, this may not deliver what they think they want or need. If you have a good relationship already, my best advice it to maintain regular dialogue, like daily or weekly phone calls. Maintain your humanity, discuss past events that could be at risk of being later re-written unfavourably or as abuse. Avoid being cast as a stereotypical object.
😳 FINALLY! 5 years of utter madness and research, I stumble upon you in a estrangement support group; Part 38. THIS is exactly what my daughter has done to us and her entire family. She is in a friggin’ cult! I am NOT insane.
It's a brave new world and we are all still learning.
Please check the CPTSD foundation web page. They encourage No Contact with graphics that can influence even children and they have links to resources to go No Contact with the "right therapists" and supprt to guide them through the process according to them. At the end it's all about money, it's a business for them.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/24/tips-for-going-no-contact-with-a-toxic-parent/
Just read this article and feel relieved because you seem to be really understand estrangement, but when I read your most recent, I didn’t get that feeling. I’m going to read more articles now.