I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm enjoying working through your Estrangement Ideology, but I find it immensely informative. As an estranged parent also, I find myself nodding in agreement with so much of what you write. The perception that as parents our behavior stays static and allows no room for growth is particularly galling to me. I've read many of the posts and comments on reddit, Instagram, etc... and I've also read posts and comments on forums for parents of estranged adult children. While there are some parents that spew anger toward their children's actions or wrap themselves up in their identity as estranged parents, the majority spend a great deal of time on self-reflection and have a desire to fix themselves and their behavior in order to bring about reconciliation. Thank you for your insightful posts.
I think for a lot of parents who have been cut-off by their adult children there is a sort of grief cycle where anger is just one stage and maybe this gets expressed as many parents are looking out for support. Just speculating. What do you think?
I would agree with that. And yes, anger is one stage of grief. I'm still cycling through all of them depending on what else is happening in my life, so perhaps estranged parents' angry rants on their forums are somewhat similar.
I am glad to see you comment on young people's resentment of Boomers' assets, which is being fueled shamelessly in popular media. Last week a major news station reported that minimum wage workers cannot afford an apartment, all to themselves, in the city where they work. Of course not! This is nothing new, but the comments in response made it clear that young people today have no idea that the Boomer standard was 2-4 roommates in one apartment. When I replied to that effect, the reply was, "But a 3-bedroom apartment costs so much." The assumption was that each roommates would have their own bedroom!!
The other resentment often heard is that they can't afford to buy a home, but any real estate agent will tell you that the "fixer-upper" or starter home is a thing of the past. Where their Boomer parents bought a rundown cottage on the outskirts of civilization, today's young couple wants a pristine, turn-key, 4-bedroom home with a lawn in a good school district. They aren't going to spend their weekends installing drywall or hauling top soil like their parents did, they won't share a car or buy used furniture either.
They want right now what their parents had after 40 years of scrounging, skrimping and making do. They are delusional but their resentment is real.
I feel like we were being observed and analyzed for months before there ever was an argument. It’s been over 8 years, 7 years for one child, since we heard from them. Complete no contact. In both cases, I was so confused at what was happening and that lasted for a good two years. It didn’t make sense.
Now I am learning but I don’t know that it will make any difference when I don’t know where they live and am blocked from social media. They are around 900 miles away so I won’t be running into them at the grocery store.
Labeling has a lot to do with the maintenance of the estrangement. They have become firmly entrenched in their victim identities. I believe the therapists involved provoked a pathway to the emancipation and oppression narrative. They were going through normal early adult adjustment to being independent of their parents. We were learning to treat them as adults. I thought it would work out naturally as it did with my parents when I was that age.
The difference is the introduction of mandatory therapy by their church/place of work. I think it was much more than life coaching. The practitioner had to maintain the revenue stream even when no intervention was needed.
Not everyone needs therapy. Sometimes it can produce harm rather than good. Iatrogenic results can occur in counseling just as much as any other discipline.
The being observed and analysed feeling is definitely something we experienced in our children. I had a hint last time I saw my daughter in person, but it was only after we discovered their online conversations about us that we came to understand there was virtually a dossier of complaints about us stored up, which we were completely oblivious to—much of it rewriting of history, scanning our social media for things they didn't like and a lot of judgement going on. We thought we had some credit in the respect and emotional bank balances, but seems we were already overdrawn.
We never encountered the online discourse about us. It probably exists but in 2016 and 2017, I wasn’t even aware of Reddit’s existence let alone had the inclination to go looking for online conversations. We were just bewildered and confused. One child attempted to give a viewpoint of the instigating argument but backed up his side by claiming he never felt valued or respected. We were shocked as we were actually guilty of bragging about him and his skills. It didn’t make sense. In 12 months we went from being amazing supportive parents to accusations of raising him in an unsafe emotional environment with oppressive authority. We were told that we were “unhealthily enmeshed emotionally as a family” so he needed to separate so he could do the needed work of being independent. We didn’t understand what that meant but knew that it was not his words as a 23 year old video editor.
I’m sure this is a story you have heard many times. We didn’t have language to describe what was happening. Indeed in 2020 we were 4 years in and I heard the term “cancelled” and said to my husband, “That’s what happened to us! We were cancelled!”
We, like you, thought we had some reason to expect a little grace for our few mistakes. But Estrangement Ideology doesn’t recognize any foreign tender. We too were overdrawn.
I’m glad for discovering Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book in 2018, for the online parent support groups and for your work that is filling in the gaps of knowledge, understanding and language for this destructive estrangement ideology.
Your experience is so incredibly like our own Steven. Again, thank you for shedding so much light on an experience that seemed to consume us in darkness.
I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm enjoying working through your Estrangement Ideology, but I find it immensely informative. As an estranged parent also, I find myself nodding in agreement with so much of what you write. The perception that as parents our behavior stays static and allows no room for growth is particularly galling to me. I've read many of the posts and comments on reddit, Instagram, etc... and I've also read posts and comments on forums for parents of estranged adult children. While there are some parents that spew anger toward their children's actions or wrap themselves up in their identity as estranged parents, the majority spend a great deal of time on self-reflection and have a desire to fix themselves and their behavior in order to bring about reconciliation. Thank you for your insightful posts.
I think for a lot of parents who have been cut-off by their adult children there is a sort of grief cycle where anger is just one stage and maybe this gets expressed as many parents are looking out for support. Just speculating. What do you think?
I would agree with that. And yes, anger is one stage of grief. I'm still cycling through all of them depending on what else is happening in my life, so perhaps estranged parents' angry rants on their forums are somewhat similar.
I am glad to see you comment on young people's resentment of Boomers' assets, which is being fueled shamelessly in popular media. Last week a major news station reported that minimum wage workers cannot afford an apartment, all to themselves, in the city where they work. Of course not! This is nothing new, but the comments in response made it clear that young people today have no idea that the Boomer standard was 2-4 roommates in one apartment. When I replied to that effect, the reply was, "But a 3-bedroom apartment costs so much." The assumption was that each roommates would have their own bedroom!!
The other resentment often heard is that they can't afford to buy a home, but any real estate agent will tell you that the "fixer-upper" or starter home is a thing of the past. Where their Boomer parents bought a rundown cottage on the outskirts of civilization, today's young couple wants a pristine, turn-key, 4-bedroom home with a lawn in a good school district. They aren't going to spend their weekends installing drywall or hauling top soil like their parents did, they won't share a car or buy used furniture either.
They want right now what their parents had after 40 years of scrounging, skrimping and making do. They are delusional but their resentment is real.
I feel like we were being observed and analyzed for months before there ever was an argument. It’s been over 8 years, 7 years for one child, since we heard from them. Complete no contact. In both cases, I was so confused at what was happening and that lasted for a good two years. It didn’t make sense.
Now I am learning but I don’t know that it will make any difference when I don’t know where they live and am blocked from social media. They are around 900 miles away so I won’t be running into them at the grocery store.
Labeling has a lot to do with the maintenance of the estrangement. They have become firmly entrenched in their victim identities. I believe the therapists involved provoked a pathway to the emancipation and oppression narrative. They were going through normal early adult adjustment to being independent of their parents. We were learning to treat them as adults. I thought it would work out naturally as it did with my parents when I was that age.
The difference is the introduction of mandatory therapy by their church/place of work. I think it was much more than life coaching. The practitioner had to maintain the revenue stream even when no intervention was needed.
Not everyone needs therapy. Sometimes it can produce harm rather than good. Iatrogenic results can occur in counseling just as much as any other discipline.
The being observed and analysed feeling is definitely something we experienced in our children. I had a hint last time I saw my daughter in person, but it was only after we discovered their online conversations about us that we came to understand there was virtually a dossier of complaints about us stored up, which we were completely oblivious to—much of it rewriting of history, scanning our social media for things they didn't like and a lot of judgement going on. We thought we had some credit in the respect and emotional bank balances, but seems we were already overdrawn.
We never encountered the online discourse about us. It probably exists but in 2016 and 2017, I wasn’t even aware of Reddit’s existence let alone had the inclination to go looking for online conversations. We were just bewildered and confused. One child attempted to give a viewpoint of the instigating argument but backed up his side by claiming he never felt valued or respected. We were shocked as we were actually guilty of bragging about him and his skills. It didn’t make sense. In 12 months we went from being amazing supportive parents to accusations of raising him in an unsafe emotional environment with oppressive authority. We were told that we were “unhealthily enmeshed emotionally as a family” so he needed to separate so he could do the needed work of being independent. We didn’t understand what that meant but knew that it was not his words as a 23 year old video editor.
I’m sure this is a story you have heard many times. We didn’t have language to describe what was happening. Indeed in 2020 we were 4 years in and I heard the term “cancelled” and said to my husband, “That’s what happened to us! We were cancelled!”
We, like you, thought we had some reason to expect a little grace for our few mistakes. But Estrangement Ideology doesn’t recognize any foreign tender. We too were overdrawn.
I’m glad for discovering Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book in 2018, for the online parent support groups and for your work that is filling in the gaps of knowledge, understanding and language for this destructive estrangement ideology.
Your experience is so incredibly like our own Steven. Again, thank you for shedding so much light on an experience that seemed to consume us in darkness.