I was a hospice volunteer for many years and I have carefully considered thoughts about the importance of end of life planning. And it was prior to my estrangement from my two adult children that both refused to accept my requests that they serve as my Health Care Proxy and executor of my Will. Despite knowing about my involvement in hospice, they said my requests were nothing but melodrama and attention-seeking and that I was being depressing.
Even at that early point they were focused strictly on their own comfort, and I was forced to find other people to agree to serve in those roles on my behalf. Years later they agreed to serve in those roles for each other. Somehow the issue was no longer depressing or melodramatic, but practical and sensible.
My wife and I are currently struggling with Advance Care Notices and powers of attorney. So many things to decide and the mind shies away from it—somehow too final, too hard to face up to the fact we cannot trust.
I struggle with this. Part of me says, “they’re my children, my heirs, no matter what,” yet there’s another part who no longer knows who they are, have received only hostility despite attempts to reconcile, and would absolutely not trust them with my end of life medical care. Fortunately, I have supportive friends willing to be executors. My Trust attorney suggested I leave everything to charity. It pains me that I cannot even attempt to discuss any of this with them as it would be viewed as “manipulation.”
Yes, I know what you mean and have felt these tensions too. I note Dr Joshua Coleman covers this question in Ch. 9 of his book Rules of Estrangement and gives a view that on balance it maybe better to leave them in, as many come to regret and cutting them off only proves the bad things they thought of you. Worth thinking about.
Yes. I’ve read his books, and also EC comments that leaving them inheritance causes problems for them with guilt and more rage. Another damned if you do or damned if you don’t scenario.
I was a hospice volunteer for many years and I have carefully considered thoughts about the importance of end of life planning. And it was prior to my estrangement from my two adult children that both refused to accept my requests that they serve as my Health Care Proxy and executor of my Will. Despite knowing about my involvement in hospice, they said my requests were nothing but melodrama and attention-seeking and that I was being depressing.
Even at that early point they were focused strictly on their own comfort, and I was forced to find other people to agree to serve in those roles on my behalf. Years later they agreed to serve in those roles for each other. Somehow the issue was no longer depressing or melodramatic, but practical and sensible.
My wife and I are currently struggling with Advance Care Notices and powers of attorney. So many things to decide and the mind shies away from it—somehow too final, too hard to face up to the fact we cannot trust.
I struggle with this. Part of me says, “they’re my children, my heirs, no matter what,” yet there’s another part who no longer knows who they are, have received only hostility despite attempts to reconcile, and would absolutely not trust them with my end of life medical care. Fortunately, I have supportive friends willing to be executors. My Trust attorney suggested I leave everything to charity. It pains me that I cannot even attempt to discuss any of this with them as it would be viewed as “manipulation.”
Yes, I know what you mean and have felt these tensions too. I note Dr Joshua Coleman covers this question in Ch. 9 of his book Rules of Estrangement and gives a view that on balance it maybe better to leave them in, as many come to regret and cutting them off only proves the bad things they thought of you. Worth thinking about.
Yes. I’ve read his books, and also EC comments that leaving them inheritance causes problems for them with guilt and more rage. Another damned if you do or damned if you don’t scenario.
Truly, its a no win situation. Even if they come back, I'll never really trust them again.