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Nancy Kerry's avatar

Outstanding ! This has been my disappointment with this whole situation. My daughter actually knows I’m somebody who is very easily willing to compromise except responsibility, change in any level of request requested change by anybody I’m always willing to bend to other people’s ways…. Except in the situation where I have to assume responsibility for things I didn’t do. I will absolutely assume responsibility for a lot of things. I didn’t even know I did if they’re true…., And there are a lot of those I wasn’t aware of

But I will not absolutely not accept responsibility for outrageous claims of things that weren’t remotely true -and there’s a lot of evidence to back up that perspective.

Disappointment that these children are expecting parents to take so much responsibility, accountability and blame and we’re even willing to do it but there’s no dialogue because they really don’t wanna see the parents change. They don’t wanna see the parents except responsibility because that would mean they would have to accept Responsibility and accountability for being cruel to their parents.

One cannot say that “unintentional mistakes” are wrong and need to be accepted and accept responsibility in all of that, and at the same time say

“ purposeful and intentional infliction of severe trauma on the parents” is fine because it’s just “setting a boundary”

No, these are not similar

The unintentional acts of a parent who did not spank or hit or even discipline a child who rarely said no to anything, and who devoted their lives to their kids, but made unintentional mistakes , even if those unintentional mistakes caused their children hurt and pain… if the same parents are willing to accept all that responsibility and shame, and blame being transferred to their shoulders

That is holy different than the adult children inflicting with purpose, and intention, significant and serious trauma onto their parents by blaming them for all of these things, and then persecuting them and torturing them by withholding, love, emotional relationships, grandchildren, time with their children and purposely hurting their parents

The adult children want blame placed on the parents for anything wrong in their life, but except no blame to themselves for the trauma they’re causing

Since they can’t reconcile that they cut everybody off and then they block all contact because that way they can live in their own bubble that it’s all the parents fault

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Megan Against Injustice, RN's avatar

As an adult child, I agree that expecting anyone to “do the work” as a condition for having a relationship can quickly become coercive or transactional. Genuine transformation cannot be demanded—it must arise from a personal desire to grow, not from pressure or performance. People change because they want to, not because they are commanded to.

That said, there is an important distinction between demanding deep psychological work and asking for a basic acknowledgment of harm. Expecting a parent to engage in therapy or fully unpack their generational trauma may be unreasonable for some. But asking for a sincere apology and some ownership of past behavior—especially when that behavior was harmful—is not an unrealistic demand. It is a relational necessity for many when trust has been repeatedly broken.

Remorse, accountability, and a willingness to repair are not signs of weakness or submission. They are the foundation of reconciliation in any relationship. To suggest that even minimal acknowledgment of harm is too much to expect shifts responsibility away from the one who caused the injury and places it on the one who was hurt. That dynamic only perpetuates silence and dysfunction.

It may be true that for many parents, the guilt and shame of facing the damage caused—especially to their own children—is overwhelming. In some cases, apologizing may require them to face the painful truth that they themselves never received the love, safety, or emotional nourishment they needed growing up. That realization is heartbreaking and may feel unbearable.

Older generations, shaped by war, depression, addiction, and survival-based parenting, often operated in environments where emotional awareness was not cultivated or even valued. In many cases, they never had the opportunity to move beyond basic survival, which limits emotional resilience and introspection. When adult children, raised in relatively safer conditions, begin to seek emotional healing and relational repair, it can feel foreign—or even threatening—to their parents.

That’s why compassion, grace, and mutual understanding are essential. But so is honesty. Adult children must do the work of healing, reparenting themselves, and not making their recovery dependent on their parent’s growth. At the same time, parents are not exempt from the call to humility, even late in life. Reconciliation, when possible, is a two-way street—requiring both courage and tenderness from all involved. Putting humility and relational repair on the adult child embraces the very harm that was done to the child all along- making the child responsible for their parent’s happiness and emotional needs, a backwards form of parenting.

Thanks for the intriguing read.

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