Estranged Adult Children often seem mystified by their parents' apparent unwillingness to "do the work"—it's about power and the right not to be changed.
Outstanding ! This has been my disappointment with this whole situation. My daughter actually knows I’m somebody who is very easily willing to compromise except responsibility, change in any level of request requested change by anybody I’m always willing to bend to other people’s ways…. Except in the situation where I have to assume responsibility for things I didn’t do. I will absolutely assume responsibility for a lot of things. I didn’t even know I did if they’re true…., And there are a lot of those I wasn’t aware of
But I will not absolutely not accept responsibility for outrageous claims of things that weren’t remotely true -and there’s a lot of evidence to back up that perspective.
Disappointment that these children are expecting parents to take so much responsibility, accountability and blame and we’re even willing to do it but there’s no dialogue because they really don’t wanna see the parents change. They don’t wanna see the parents except responsibility because that would mean they would have to accept Responsibility and accountability for being cruel to their parents.
One cannot say that “unintentional mistakes” are wrong and need to be accepted and accept responsibility in all of that, and at the same time say
“ purposeful and intentional infliction of severe trauma on the parents” is fine because it’s just “setting a boundary”
No, these are not similar
The unintentional acts of a parent who did not spank or hit or even discipline a child who rarely said no to anything, and who devoted their lives to their kids, but made unintentional mistakes , even if those unintentional mistakes caused their children hurt and pain… if the same parents are willing to accept all that responsibility and shame, and blame being transferred to their shoulders
That is holy different than the adult children inflicting with purpose, and intention, significant and serious trauma onto their parents by blaming them for all of these things, and then persecuting them and torturing them by withholding, love, emotional relationships, grandchildren, time with their children and purposely hurting their parents
The adult children want blame placed on the parents for anything wrong in their life, but except no blame to themselves for the trauma they’re causing
Since they can’t reconcile that they cut everybody off and then they block all contact because that way they can live in their own bubble that it’s all the parents fault
As I have discussed in the article on The Emotional Immaturity Paradox, while parents are frequently accused of emotional immaturity, there is little evidence to support this characterisation and much to support the reverse—ie that the so called adult children are in fact not showing much maturity themselves through their demonisation, assumed victimhood and online vilification of their parents. For me, one of the signs of a mature adult is they take the full kitbag of what they have been given—good, bad or indifferent—and make what they can of their lives. A mature adult recognises that everyone makes mistakes, learns from them and moves forward—parents included. I'm still waiting on a perfect parent to present, but I have seen many who tried their best, made mistakes and, in the end, sent their child out into the world armed as best they could manage. That's the deal. It's not a big ask to expect some credit for making the effort, however imperfect or misguided the delivery might be at times. Now, people who rape, beat or seriously mistreat their children are a different topic—by observation and based on research, reasonably rare—one that in the worst cases the justice system is there to deal with.
Thanks for taking the time to comment on several of the recent articles. I’ve now had a chance to review the full set of replies and assess them in the broader context of this project, and I wanted to let you know I’ll be removing your commenting privileges from the platform.
The reason being while your tone is civil and your comments are clearly crafted to sound thoughtful, they appear to be either heavily AI-assisted or built around therapeutic scripts designed to reassert the dominant estrangement narrative without engaging meaningfully with the questions being raised here. I'm happy to have a civil conversation on this platform, but not a framed reinforcement of the ideology.
This series exists to explore estrangement from a perspective that’s rarely permitted a voice. I’m not interested in maintaining an open floor for stylised counter-arguments that deflect attention from the structural issues under discussion. If people want to read polished defences of adult child estrangement, they can find them everywhere. This space isn’t for that.
I appreciate your engagement, but I’m reclaiming the space. Meanwhile, your comments will remain open for others to assess the position and decide their merits for themselves.
As an adult child, I agree that expecting anyone to “do the work” as a condition for having a relationship can quickly become coercive or transactional. Genuine transformation cannot be demanded—it must arise from a personal desire to grow, not from pressure or performance. People change because they want to, not because they are commanded to.
That said, there is an important distinction between demanding deep psychological work and asking for a basic acknowledgment of harm. Expecting a parent to engage in therapy or fully unpack their generational trauma may be unreasonable for some. But asking for a sincere apology and some ownership of past behavior—especially when that behavior was harmful—is not an unrealistic demand. It is a relational necessity for many when trust has been repeatedly broken.
Remorse, accountability, and a willingness to repair are not signs of weakness or submission. They are the foundation of reconciliation in any relationship. To suggest that even minimal acknowledgment of harm is too much to expect shifts responsibility away from the one who caused the injury and places it on the one who was hurt. That dynamic only perpetuates silence and dysfunction.
It may be true that for many parents, the guilt and shame of facing the damage caused—especially to their own children—is overwhelming. In some cases, apologizing may require them to face the painful truth that they themselves never received the love, safety, or emotional nourishment they needed growing up. That realization is heartbreaking and may feel unbearable.
Older generations, shaped by war, depression, addiction, and survival-based parenting, often operated in environments where emotional awareness was not cultivated or even valued. In many cases, they never had the opportunity to move beyond basic survival, which limits emotional resilience and introspection. When adult children, raised in relatively safer conditions, begin to seek emotional healing and relational repair, it can feel foreign—or even threatening—to their parents.
That’s why compassion, grace, and mutual understanding are essential. But so is honesty. Adult children must do the work of healing, reparenting themselves, and not making their recovery dependent on their parent’s growth. At the same time, parents are not exempt from the call to humility, even late in life. Reconciliation, when possible, is a two-way street—requiring both courage and tenderness from all involved. Putting humility and relational repair on the adult child embraces the very harm that was done to the child all along- making the child responsible for their parent’s happiness and emotional needs, a backwards form of parenting.
Outstanding ! This has been my disappointment with this whole situation. My daughter actually knows I’m somebody who is very easily willing to compromise except responsibility, change in any level of request requested change by anybody I’m always willing to bend to other people’s ways…. Except in the situation where I have to assume responsibility for things I didn’t do. I will absolutely assume responsibility for a lot of things. I didn’t even know I did if they’re true…., And there are a lot of those I wasn’t aware of
But I will not absolutely not accept responsibility for outrageous claims of things that weren’t remotely true -and there’s a lot of evidence to back up that perspective.
Disappointment that these children are expecting parents to take so much responsibility, accountability and blame and we’re even willing to do it but there’s no dialogue because they really don’t wanna see the parents change. They don’t wanna see the parents except responsibility because that would mean they would have to accept Responsibility and accountability for being cruel to their parents.
One cannot say that “unintentional mistakes” are wrong and need to be accepted and accept responsibility in all of that, and at the same time say
“ purposeful and intentional infliction of severe trauma on the parents” is fine because it’s just “setting a boundary”
No, these are not similar
The unintentional acts of a parent who did not spank or hit or even discipline a child who rarely said no to anything, and who devoted their lives to their kids, but made unintentional mistakes , even if those unintentional mistakes caused their children hurt and pain… if the same parents are willing to accept all that responsibility and shame, and blame being transferred to their shoulders
That is holy different than the adult children inflicting with purpose, and intention, significant and serious trauma onto their parents by blaming them for all of these things, and then persecuting them and torturing them by withholding, love, emotional relationships, grandchildren, time with their children and purposely hurting their parents
The adult children want blame placed on the parents for anything wrong in their life, but except no blame to themselves for the trauma they’re causing
Since they can’t reconcile that they cut everybody off and then they block all contact because that way they can live in their own bubble that it’s all the parents fault
As I have discussed in the article on The Emotional Immaturity Paradox, while parents are frequently accused of emotional immaturity, there is little evidence to support this characterisation and much to support the reverse—ie that the so called adult children are in fact not showing much maturity themselves through their demonisation, assumed victimhood and online vilification of their parents. For me, one of the signs of a mature adult is they take the full kitbag of what they have been given—good, bad or indifferent—and make what they can of their lives. A mature adult recognises that everyone makes mistakes, learns from them and moves forward—parents included. I'm still waiting on a perfect parent to present, but I have seen many who tried their best, made mistakes and, in the end, sent their child out into the world armed as best they could manage. That's the deal. It's not a big ask to expect some credit for making the effort, however imperfect or misguided the delivery might be at times. Now, people who rape, beat or seriously mistreat their children are a different topic—by observation and based on research, reasonably rare—one that in the worst cases the justice system is there to deal with.
So with you … 100%
Hi Megan,
Thanks for taking the time to comment on several of the recent articles. I’ve now had a chance to review the full set of replies and assess them in the broader context of this project, and I wanted to let you know I’ll be removing your commenting privileges from the platform.
The reason being while your tone is civil and your comments are clearly crafted to sound thoughtful, they appear to be either heavily AI-assisted or built around therapeutic scripts designed to reassert the dominant estrangement narrative without engaging meaningfully with the questions being raised here. I'm happy to have a civil conversation on this platform, but not a framed reinforcement of the ideology.
This series exists to explore estrangement from a perspective that’s rarely permitted a voice. I’m not interested in maintaining an open floor for stylised counter-arguments that deflect attention from the structural issues under discussion. If people want to read polished defences of adult child estrangement, they can find them everywhere. This space isn’t for that.
I appreciate your engagement, but I’m reclaiming the space. Meanwhile, your comments will remain open for others to assess the position and decide their merits for themselves.
Regards,
Steven
As an adult child, I agree that expecting anyone to “do the work” as a condition for having a relationship can quickly become coercive or transactional. Genuine transformation cannot be demanded—it must arise from a personal desire to grow, not from pressure or performance. People change because they want to, not because they are commanded to.
That said, there is an important distinction between demanding deep psychological work and asking for a basic acknowledgment of harm. Expecting a parent to engage in therapy or fully unpack their generational trauma may be unreasonable for some. But asking for a sincere apology and some ownership of past behavior—especially when that behavior was harmful—is not an unrealistic demand. It is a relational necessity for many when trust has been repeatedly broken.
Remorse, accountability, and a willingness to repair are not signs of weakness or submission. They are the foundation of reconciliation in any relationship. To suggest that even minimal acknowledgment of harm is too much to expect shifts responsibility away from the one who caused the injury and places it on the one who was hurt. That dynamic only perpetuates silence and dysfunction.
It may be true that for many parents, the guilt and shame of facing the damage caused—especially to their own children—is overwhelming. In some cases, apologizing may require them to face the painful truth that they themselves never received the love, safety, or emotional nourishment they needed growing up. That realization is heartbreaking and may feel unbearable.
Older generations, shaped by war, depression, addiction, and survival-based parenting, often operated in environments where emotional awareness was not cultivated or even valued. In many cases, they never had the opportunity to move beyond basic survival, which limits emotional resilience and introspection. When adult children, raised in relatively safer conditions, begin to seek emotional healing and relational repair, it can feel foreign—or even threatening—to their parents.
That’s why compassion, grace, and mutual understanding are essential. But so is honesty. Adult children must do the work of healing, reparenting themselves, and not making their recovery dependent on their parent’s growth. At the same time, parents are not exempt from the call to humility, even late in life. Reconciliation, when possible, is a two-way street—requiring both courage and tenderness from all involved. Putting humility and relational repair on the adult child embraces the very harm that was done to the child all along- making the child responsible for their parent’s happiness and emotional needs, a backwards form of parenting.
Thanks for the intriguing read.