I really appreciate the juxtaposition of what works and Kathy’s comments. Both true, and depend on our personalities and life values where we land over time. I no longer have anger and accept the unfairness of the situation. I continue to deeply grieve but hope the what works approach will someday bring my beloved daughter home.
Saying “just apologize” trivializes the layers of pain we all experience being estranged from our child. It’s too simple of a solution.
This is the narrative many estranged children (EC) have embraced—a story that paints them as victims and their parents as abusers. But let’s be clear: a moment of frustration does not erase years of love, sacrifice, and dedication.
Many have been pushed to their breaking point—gaslighted, manipulated, disrespected, and provoked—until they finally reacted. And the moment they did, history was rewritten, turning a single reaction into an excuse for cutting ties. The real abuse was everything that led up to that moment. The silent treatment, the false accusations, the blatant disrespect, and the complete erasure of everything good that was once shared.
They wanted you ashamed. They wanted you silent. But you are not the villain in this story.
You don’t owe anyone an apology for reacting like a human being after being mistreated for so long. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself to those who refuse to see the truth.
"How the demand for unachievable and ill-defined "accountability" and a "full apology" creates a void that may never be filled"- heartbreaking, and probably the future of parent-adult child relationships, once the ideas of Estrangement Ideology become rooted.
I really don't understand the individualistic and selfish values of what's driving estrangement; it seems that acts of forgiveness, kindness, and tolerance no longer are valued as builders of resilience, personal growth, or foundations of healthy relationships.
We have had maybe 70 years of cultural programming that have driven these qualities into Western and increasingly other nations across the world. The consumerist society and ubiquitous TV presence in first living rooms then bedrooms, and now in everyone's hand or pocket have driven a diet of individualist values and normalised the consumer society, where everything and everyone has to conform to a given image of perfection—as seen on TV on on the big screen. Other qualities have been depreciated, such as resilience, personal growth, kindness and tolerance. Society has been morally debased, drugged, set against itself and made reliant on the State. These are not accidental changes.
I have experienced that acceptance and validations of the adult child's perspective, even if it feels exaggerated and selfish on the child's part, can open the door for further discussions and reconciliation. I am reestablishing some trust with my son after admitting blindspots, apologizing for perceived neglect, etc and taking my ego and personal experience out of the conversation.
My husband will not give an inch; he is focused on his ego, pride, dignity and thinks that challenging our son's behavior is 'good parenting'. Our son is 36. My husband has only escalated the divisions. My family is fractured.
Indeed, once my son was introduced to the Estrangement Chosen Family ( via his wife, proudly estranged from her family), I began my walking-on-eggshells journey with the hopes of avoiding our own estrangement. Several years into the eggshell journey things blew up: my husband had no interest in learning about the social changes driving estrangement and thus precipitated estrangement and endless recriminations from our son. And yes, my son re-wrote the narrative of his life.
My message is that reconciliation requires endless humility and acquiescense on the parent's part if the desire is to restablish a relationship. It is not fair, but it feels better to have renewed contact.
Thank you for sharing this valuable perspective. Seems we are now choosing our families and I guess many parents are now feeling that they need to as well. Sad times.
I apologized both before and after estrangement was instituted, verbally and in carefully crafted emails. None were acceptable or sufficient. Possibly the degree of "emotional devastation" was lacking. Finally, I told my son he should write it and I will sign it. Sincerity doesn't seem to matter anyway.
I really appreciate the juxtaposition of what works and Kathy’s comments. Both true, and depend on our personalities and life values where we land over time. I no longer have anger and accept the unfairness of the situation. I continue to deeply grieve but hope the what works approach will someday bring my beloved daughter home.
Saying “just apologize” trivializes the layers of pain we all experience being estranged from our child. It’s too simple of a solution.
This is the narrative many estranged children (EC) have embraced—a story that paints them as victims and their parents as abusers. But let’s be clear: a moment of frustration does not erase years of love, sacrifice, and dedication.
Many have been pushed to their breaking point—gaslighted, manipulated, disrespected, and provoked—until they finally reacted. And the moment they did, history was rewritten, turning a single reaction into an excuse for cutting ties. The real abuse was everything that led up to that moment. The silent treatment, the false accusations, the blatant disrespect, and the complete erasure of everything good that was once shared.
They wanted you ashamed. They wanted you silent. But you are not the villain in this story.
You don’t owe anyone an apology for reacting like a human being after being mistreated for so long. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself to those who refuse to see the truth.
You are not the abuser. You are not powerless.
yep, estrangement is a power move, it is about punishing and control.
"How the demand for unachievable and ill-defined "accountability" and a "full apology" creates a void that may never be filled"- heartbreaking, and probably the future of parent-adult child relationships, once the ideas of Estrangement Ideology become rooted.
I really don't understand the individualistic and selfish values of what's driving estrangement; it seems that acts of forgiveness, kindness, and tolerance no longer are valued as builders of resilience, personal growth, or foundations of healthy relationships.
We have had maybe 70 years of cultural programming that have driven these qualities into Western and increasingly other nations across the world. The consumerist society and ubiquitous TV presence in first living rooms then bedrooms, and now in everyone's hand or pocket have driven a diet of individualist values and normalised the consumer society, where everything and everyone has to conform to a given image of perfection—as seen on TV on on the big screen. Other qualities have been depreciated, such as resilience, personal growth, kindness and tolerance. Society has been morally debased, drugged, set against itself and made reliant on the State. These are not accidental changes.
I have experienced that acceptance and validations of the adult child's perspective, even if it feels exaggerated and selfish on the child's part, can open the door for further discussions and reconciliation. I am reestablishing some trust with my son after admitting blindspots, apologizing for perceived neglect, etc and taking my ego and personal experience out of the conversation.
My husband will not give an inch; he is focused on his ego, pride, dignity and thinks that challenging our son's behavior is 'good parenting'. Our son is 36. My husband has only escalated the divisions. My family is fractured.
Indeed, once my son was introduced to the Estrangement Chosen Family ( via his wife, proudly estranged from her family), I began my walking-on-eggshells journey with the hopes of avoiding our own estrangement. Several years into the eggshell journey things blew up: my husband had no interest in learning about the social changes driving estrangement and thus precipitated estrangement and endless recriminations from our son. And yes, my son re-wrote the narrative of his life.
My message is that reconciliation requires endless humility and acquiescense on the parent's part if the desire is to restablish a relationship. It is not fair, but it feels better to have renewed contact.
Thank you for sharing this valuable perspective. Seems we are now choosing our families and I guess many parents are now feeling that they need to as well. Sad times.
I apologized both before and after estrangement was instituted, verbally and in carefully crafted emails. None were acceptable or sufficient. Possibly the degree of "emotional devastation" was lacking. Finally, I told my son he should write it and I will sign it. Sincerity doesn't seem to matter anyway.
I don't think many of them actually know what they are seeking. Others do and nothing will satisfy their need.