Estrangement Ideology – Part 32. The Unfillable Void

How the demand for unachievable and ill-defined "accountability" and a "full apology" creates a void that may never be filled.

This is the thirty-second in a series of articles concerning Estrangement Ideology. Key concepts are introduced in Part 1. Tenets, Goals and Methods; Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values; and Part 3. The One-Sided Path to Redemption. Other parts can be found here.

Estrangement Ideology, as examined throughout this series, places immense emphasis on “parental accountability” as the supposed key to emotional healing. In online estrangement communities, adult children frequently express the belief that if only their parents would "own up" to past failures—without defensiveness, qualification or alternative perspective—they would finally be able to move forward. However, this expectation often reflects an idealised closure that is surely for many totally unattainable. The notion that a perfectly worded, thoroughly remorseful apology will rewrite emotional history and satisfy deep-seated grievances ignores the complexities of human relationships and the ways in which personal narratives evolve over time.

More significantly, what Estranged Adult Children believe they will get from parental “accountability” is often misaligned with what they actually receive—or, more precisely—what they allow themselves to receive. The paradox is that even when parents offer sincere apologies, express regret and acknowledge wrongdoing, these efforts frequently fall short in the eyes of the estranged child. The apology is intensely scrutinised for signs of insincerity, evasion or incompleteness. Often, it is posted to the online forums for public comment, critique and, in many cases, derision for its inadequacies, deflections or signs of DARVO tendencies. Instead of providing relief, it can lead to further disillusionment or resentment. This dynamic suggests that the demand for accountability may serve more as a test of power and control than as a genuine pathway to reconciliation. The parent, no matter how remorseful, is often positioned as an irredeemable figure, their past mistakes forming an immutable barrier to re-establishing trust.

This failure of delivery over expectation is evidenced in discussions within estrangement forums, where Estranged Adult Children often report receiving an apology does not, in fact, bring them the peace they anticipated. Instead, it intensifies unresolved emotions—anger, grief or an unsettling awareness that no amount of accountability can undo the past. This raises a fundamental question:

Is the insistence on parental accountability truly about healing or does it function as a symbolic performance—a means to sustain estrangement by ensuring that the parent can never meet the impossibly high bar set before them?

By requiring absolute submission to a specific version of events, estranged individuals often reinforce their position rather than seek genuine reconciliation, revealing that the call for accountability may, in many cases, be an ideological device rather than a relational tool.

The following three online forum quotes illustrate this dynamic, particularly how what they receive in response to their demand for parental accountability often falls short and instead reinforces estrangement:

The Ever-Shifting Goalpost of Accountability:

"My mom finally apologized after years of me demanding it. She said all the right things—took responsibility, acknowledged the pain she caused, didn’t try to justify it. And yet, I still feel nothing but anger. It’s like… now that she’s admitted it, I just want to ask why the hell she couldn’t have done this sooner. Why did I have to go NC for her to finally get it? And honestly, if it took this long, how do I even know she really means it?"

This quote demonstrates how even a "perfect" apology does not guarantee emotional resolution. Instead of providing closure, it often shifts the focus to frustration over why the apology took so long or whether it is "genuine enough," ensuring that estrangement remains justified.

The Apology That Doesn’t Fix the Past:

"My dad wrote me a long email saying he regretted everything, that he understood why I went no contact and that he just wanted to respect my wishes. At first, I thought this was what I wanted. But instead of feeling relief, I felt… hollow. I realized nothing he says can change what happened. Nothing will make me feel like I had the parents I deserved. So now I just feel even more stuck, because I still don’t want him in my life, but I also don’t have the same anger driving me anymore."

This highlights how estrangement is often about identity, not just past wrongs. The past remains unchangeable and even a fully compliant, remorseful parent cannot retroactively rewrite childhood experiences. As a result, the expected emotional release does not occur, leaving the estranged individual in a state of existential limbo.

Accountability as a Moral Performance Test:

"My mom keeps saying she wants to ‘make things right,’ but she still doesn’t get it. Sure, she says she’s sorry, but she doesn’t seem emotionally destroyed enough for me to believe it. If she REALLY understood the damage she did, she wouldn’t just apologize—she’d be breaking down in tears. She’d be so consumed with guilt that she’d beg me to take her back. But she’s not. And that tells me everything I need to know."

Here, "accountability" is framed as emotional devastation rather than reconciliation. The estranged adult child is not just looking for words of regret but a specific emotional reaction—one that may be impossible to provide. This illustrates how the demand for accountability can become an unpassable moral test, where the parent is set up to fail no matter how much they apologise or change.

Conclusion

Estrangement Ideology’s emphasis on absolute parental “accountability” and a full apology as a prerequisite for reconciliation creates a standard that, in practice, is often almost impossible for parents to meet in a way that satisfies the Estranged Adult Child’s expectations.

Key issues are that:

• Apologies do not guarantee reconciliation—they often shift the focus to new grievances

• Estrangement is not just about righting the past—it is also about current identity and control over one’s personal narrative

• Parental accountability is often an unattainable moral standard—reinforcing estrangement rather than resolving it.

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Note: This article was developed with assistance of ChatGPT, used as a structured analysis and writing tool. All ideas, interpretations and final outputs were authored, verified and edited by me. The model was conditioned to reflect my reasoning, not to generate content independently.