When is estrangement a justified and necessary response to serious harm, rather than being substantially ideologically or socially driven—and is this even a thing?
We have to recognise that some parents are genuinely truly abusive. Should a daughter sexually abused by her father be obliged to speak to or even be with him? I guess it comes down to the definition of serious. It's that sort of issue that caused me to pose this article as a question (many questions) for people to consider for themselves.
Of course, some adult children are genuinely abusive towards their parents too, and one can validly argue (as I have) that many cases of estrangement actions by adult children undoubtedly fall into this category, if not by intent then certainly by method. Maturity, emotional resilience and tolerance of one another's human frailty, life journeys and humanity is required on all sides.
I think the percentage is far lower than social media influencers and substack writers suggest. I think even you downplay how damaging and harmful this phenomenon is to parents. The current media focus is on justifying the estrangers overreaction and selfishness. As Dr Coleman says, it is all upside for the kids, and all downside for the parents.
My own mother had a diagnosed mental illness that went untreated her whole life. She was volatile and at times dangerous, but my father and my siblings, and her family of origin never sought to punish her or cut her off. We found ways to safely mitigate her behavior, beginning with visiting her in small groups, never alone.
But the point I want to make is that some of the most important skills I have, the skills that paid off most valuably in my life, all came from negotiating the challenge that was my mother. Early on, I learned to read a room and I knew how to keep my mouth shut, if speaking out right now was not going to serve any purpose. I grew up with exceptional self control and I'm very astute about identifying questionable characters. And I developed an unshakable alliance with truth, because I saw that casual lies can result in a person losing their ability to know truth from fiction, and become lost in it.
I know other seniors like myself whose resilience and empathy can be traced to a deeply flawed beginning.
What if our experiences with our parents - the good and the bad - are important to our growth? What if a perfect or near-perfect parent raises an incomplete human being? What if a perfect parent is a disservice to a child?
As someone currently experiencing estrangement, and as the child who made the choice, this article resonates deeply with me. These are all feelings and thoughts I have processed and revisited, both before and during estrangement.
Funny enough, one important factor that I think often gets overlooked and especially in mother-daughter relationships…is the biological and scientifically proven bond between them. That bond exists, even in the face of years of emotional and physical neglect. I know, without a doubt, that I made the right choice for myself by going no contact. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The pain of estrangement is always there, because this wasn’t the life I wanted. It was the choice I had to make.
I’m not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I know I made mistakes in my relationship with my mother, including some of the behaviors you’ve listed here, such as manipulation and threats. But when I started therapy seven years ago, my approach to my mother changed significantly. That shift also coincided with the birth of my son. Experiencing the joy of his birth brought clarity. I never wanted my child to endure the kind of harm I had. It was an instinctive realization.
Years before that, I had already started to understand why my mother made certain parenting choices. She was young, and in many ways, she was reacting to her own childhood by trying to do the opposite of what my grandmother had done. I think the idea of "breaking the cycle" is a huge buzzword now, and while well-intentioned, it often causes more harm than healing. Instead of fixating on "breaking cycles," my husband and I are focused on truly knowing our son and raising him in a way that responds to his individual needs.
But even after years of therapy, my relationship with my mother remained tumultuous. It reached a breaking point when I discovered that the man I had believed to be my father was, in fact, not. I turned to my mother for answers, expecting guidance and support. Instead, she ghosted both my husband and me. That pattern…her physically and emotionally disappearing when things get difficult has been present for as long as I can remember.
When she finally responded, it was to say that she would only speak to us with a mediator or therapist. This wasn’t a request I was entirely opposed to, but it felt like a deflection. In moments of conflict, my mother often defaulted to “well, if we just saw a therapist,” as though that alone would fix everything. I was open to the idea of therapy together, but I also asked that she do some individual therapy first so to understand why I trigger her and to find ways to communicate her frustrations with me in a healthier way. I had been in therapy for years and had come to understand my own role in our dynamic. I wasn’t asking for perfection, just for some reciprocity before we attempted family counseling.
But that never happened. And ultimately, I had to accept that the emotional labor of fixing our relationship couldn’t fall solely on me.
I would like to add the disclaimer that this is just one example of many things that have happened in our relationship. This doesn’t begin to touch the surface.
I think your list neglects two of the biggest drivers of estrangement according to the few studies which exist; ex-spouses, child's "motivated" spouse, chapter 7 of Coleman's book, Rules for Estrangement.
We have to recognise that some parents are genuinely truly abusive. Should a daughter sexually abused by her father be obliged to speak to or even be with him? I guess it comes down to the definition of serious. It's that sort of issue that caused me to pose this article as a question (many questions) for people to consider for themselves.
Of course, some adult children are genuinely abusive towards their parents too, and one can validly argue (as I have) that many cases of estrangement actions by adult children undoubtedly fall into this category, if not by intent then certainly by method. Maturity, emotional resilience and tolerance of one another's human frailty, life journeys and humanity is required on all sides.
I think the percentage is far lower than social media influencers and substack writers suggest. I think even you downplay how damaging and harmful this phenomenon is to parents. The current media focus is on justifying the estrangers overreaction and selfishness. As Dr Coleman says, it is all upside for the kids, and all downside for the parents.
Another clear-eyed, balanced and thoughtful article Steven.
My own mother had a diagnosed mental illness that went untreated her whole life. She was volatile and at times dangerous, but my father and my siblings, and her family of origin never sought to punish her or cut her off. We found ways to safely mitigate her behavior, beginning with visiting her in small groups, never alone.
But the point I want to make is that some of the most important skills I have, the skills that paid off most valuably in my life, all came from negotiating the challenge that was my mother. Early on, I learned to read a room and I knew how to keep my mouth shut, if speaking out right now was not going to serve any purpose. I grew up with exceptional self control and I'm very astute about identifying questionable characters. And I developed an unshakable alliance with truth, because I saw that casual lies can result in a person losing their ability to know truth from fiction, and become lost in it.
I know other seniors like myself whose resilience and empathy can be traced to a deeply flawed beginning.
What if our experiences with our parents - the good and the bad - are important to our growth? What if a perfect or near-perfect parent raises an incomplete human being? What if a perfect parent is a disservice to a child?
Hi Steven, I’ve been waiting for this article.
As someone currently experiencing estrangement, and as the child who made the choice, this article resonates deeply with me. These are all feelings and thoughts I have processed and revisited, both before and during estrangement.
Funny enough, one important factor that I think often gets overlooked and especially in mother-daughter relationships…is the biological and scientifically proven bond between them. That bond exists, even in the face of years of emotional and physical neglect. I know, without a doubt, that I made the right choice for myself by going no contact. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The pain of estrangement is always there, because this wasn’t the life I wanted. It was the choice I had to make.
I’m not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I know I made mistakes in my relationship with my mother, including some of the behaviors you’ve listed here, such as manipulation and threats. But when I started therapy seven years ago, my approach to my mother changed significantly. That shift also coincided with the birth of my son. Experiencing the joy of his birth brought clarity. I never wanted my child to endure the kind of harm I had. It was an instinctive realization.
Years before that, I had already started to understand why my mother made certain parenting choices. She was young, and in many ways, she was reacting to her own childhood by trying to do the opposite of what my grandmother had done. I think the idea of "breaking the cycle" is a huge buzzword now, and while well-intentioned, it often causes more harm than healing. Instead of fixating on "breaking cycles," my husband and I are focused on truly knowing our son and raising him in a way that responds to his individual needs.
But even after years of therapy, my relationship with my mother remained tumultuous. It reached a breaking point when I discovered that the man I had believed to be my father was, in fact, not. I turned to my mother for answers, expecting guidance and support. Instead, she ghosted both my husband and me. That pattern…her physically and emotionally disappearing when things get difficult has been present for as long as I can remember.
When she finally responded, it was to say that she would only speak to us with a mediator or therapist. This wasn’t a request I was entirely opposed to, but it felt like a deflection. In moments of conflict, my mother often defaulted to “well, if we just saw a therapist,” as though that alone would fix everything. I was open to the idea of therapy together, but I also asked that she do some individual therapy first so to understand why I trigger her and to find ways to communicate her frustrations with me in a healthier way. I had been in therapy for years and had come to understand my own role in our dynamic. I wasn’t asking for perfection, just for some reciprocity before we attempted family counseling.
But that never happened. And ultimately, I had to accept that the emotional labor of fixing our relationship couldn’t fall solely on me.
I would like to add the disclaimer that this is just one example of many things that have happened in our relationship. This doesn’t begin to touch the surface.
https://news.osu.edu/study-examines-what-makes-adult-children-cut-ties-with-parents/
I think your list neglects two of the biggest drivers of estrangement according to the few studies which exist; ex-spouses, child's "motivated" spouse, chapter 7 of Coleman's book, Rules for Estrangement.
Yes, this certainly seems to be a significant factor. Thanks for bringing it to focus.