As others have said, the abuse named by members of the Estrangement Culture is often nothing more than a failure to sufficiently applaud their achievements, but their anger is keen and virulent. And we notice too that the people we have known who actually suffered serious physical and mental abuse or neglect at the hands of their parents, do not hold this level of anger at all. They don't rush to tell others what happened to them. They tend to keep it under wraps, and their therapists, if they have one, are often faced with having to convince the abused person that the abuse wasn't their fault. Members of the Estrangement Culture don't seem to suffer from any confusion about who is at fault.
Estrangement is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for parents to be in and not one any parent dreams of when they set out on the journey. I definitely hold hope that many of the families currently experiencing this blight will one day find a way through to re-connection. Everyone will have their own story to tell; if they do, the methods and terms of re-engagement will differ and the residual effects will also be different for everyone involved. My aim is that by knowing the rules and influences, parents and their adult children can perhaps make better decisions on how to communicate and not communicate to avoid falling into the traps that this ideological aspect of estrangement sets through online media and therapy culture reinforcement. Meantime, it is my hope that estranged parents will find their feelings of self-worth are not purely contingent on their children, that they have strength and value in their own right and can live well with or without, even while while they wait and hope.
In our family, there is nothing else we can do, we have tried it all. I learned that radical acceptance is the necessary first step, time reduces the intensity of the trauma, focusing on health is essential since we lose sleep ruminating, and rediscovery the journey of a purposeful life helps redirect our minds.
I still have all the emotional challenges just less intense then the first year. Holidays have been both damaging and freeing. Recently, my EC responded to my post on his X account, it was wonderful, and then silence again. No one, even his long time friends, thought he would throw away his loving family, but there it is. My other son is still close, and they started a family, so I am learning to put my losses in perspective. I feel for parents who have more than one kid lost to this ideology.
Same for me. Coming to a state of radical acceptance is the only rational way to move forward when you've "tried it all," and you were met with the same tropes (if at all).
Being okay with the ambiguous loss of never fully knowing or understanding is also helpful. Grief will always be there, but as you say, with time, is reduced. Therapy has helped me with trauma, as well.
This post (and so many others by Steven Howard) articulates my feelings that they were indeed heavily influenced by their online therapists and online echo chambers— particularly with language usage that was not "theirs."
In my opinion, there's nothing more that can help mend our relationship without them choosing to take a step away from Estrangement Ideology. That is a remote possibility that I do not entertain for my own sanity.
When you introduce third parties into a relationship, marital or parent-child, others agendas come into play and new sets of rules. Sometimes these bring a necessary break that enable solutions but often it also brings more complexity and other harms arise.
I think it is simpler to describe, again Dr Coleman explains with spouse pressure it is"choose me or your family, you can't have both" age old story, just horribly shocking when it happens in your family.
The divorce matter is also typical. It takes mature people to refrain from trashing the divorced partner and to facilitate positive custody arrangements. Many men stay is less than fulfilling marriages to not lose their kids.
Are you considering compiling this into a book? Such amazing writing and valuable insight. Was with 3 other ladies yesterday and all of us have estrangement in our families. It's heartbreaking and isolating... So thankful it is coming out into the light. I would love to buy multiple copies of your book and pass it on to the hurting. Blessings over you for your time and effort in writing this. Jodi (South Island NZ)
As others have said, the abuse named by members of the Estrangement Culture is often nothing more than a failure to sufficiently applaud their achievements, but their anger is keen and virulent. And we notice too that the people we have known who actually suffered serious physical and mental abuse or neglect at the hands of their parents, do not hold this level of anger at all. They don't rush to tell others what happened to them. They tend to keep it under wraps, and their therapists, if they have one, are often faced with having to convince the abused person that the abuse wasn't their fault. Members of the Estrangement Culture don't seem to suffer from any confusion about who is at fault.
Although you have sewn this together beautifully and it makes complete sense I am left deflated. What can a loving parent do?
Estrangement is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for parents to be in and not one any parent dreams of when they set out on the journey. I definitely hold hope that many of the families currently experiencing this blight will one day find a way through to re-connection. Everyone will have their own story to tell; if they do, the methods and terms of re-engagement will differ and the residual effects will also be different for everyone involved. My aim is that by knowing the rules and influences, parents and their adult children can perhaps make better decisions on how to communicate and not communicate to avoid falling into the traps that this ideological aspect of estrangement sets through online media and therapy culture reinforcement. Meantime, it is my hope that estranged parents will find their feelings of self-worth are not purely contingent on their children, that they have strength and value in their own right and can live well with or without, even while while they wait and hope.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
In our family, there is nothing else we can do, we have tried it all. I learned that radical acceptance is the necessary first step, time reduces the intensity of the trauma, focusing on health is essential since we lose sleep ruminating, and rediscovery the journey of a purposeful life helps redirect our minds.
I still have all the emotional challenges just less intense then the first year. Holidays have been both damaging and freeing. Recently, my EC responded to my post on his X account, it was wonderful, and then silence again. No one, even his long time friends, thought he would throw away his loving family, but there it is. My other son is still close, and they started a family, so I am learning to put my losses in perspective. I feel for parents who have more than one kid lost to this ideology.
So sorry he was silent again. It seems they are so confused.
thanks. I did not expect anything else, frankly I was surprised in the first place.
I think it is much worse than confusion.
Same for me. Coming to a state of radical acceptance is the only rational way to move forward when you've "tried it all," and you were met with the same tropes (if at all).
Being okay with the ambiguous loss of never fully knowing or understanding is also helpful. Grief will always be there, but as you say, with time, is reduced. Therapy has helped me with trauma, as well.
This post (and so many others by Steven Howard) articulates my feelings that they were indeed heavily influenced by their online therapists and online echo chambers— particularly with language usage that was not "theirs."
In my opinion, there's nothing more that can help mend our relationship without them choosing to take a step away from Estrangement Ideology. That is a remote possibility that I do not entertain for my own sanity.
Much of the psychodynamics of parental alienation are the same with spousal influence pathway, Us vs Them is a central theme.
The US custody courts over look these dynamics and many divorced men suffer greatly.
When you introduce third parties into a relationship, marital or parent-child, others agendas come into play and new sets of rules. Sometimes these bring a necessary break that enable solutions but often it also brings more complexity and other harms arise.
I think it is simpler to describe, again Dr Coleman explains with spouse pressure it is"choose me or your family, you can't have both" age old story, just horribly shocking when it happens in your family.
The divorce matter is also typical. It takes mature people to refrain from trashing the divorced partner and to facilitate positive custody arrangements. Many men stay is less than fulfilling marriages to not lose their kids.
Wow. This essay is packed with clear reflections and descriptions of what many hurting parents are feeling. Thank you!
Glad you liked it, hope this will be useful to you. Kind regards.
Are you considering compiling this into a book? Such amazing writing and valuable insight. Was with 3 other ladies yesterday and all of us have estrangement in our families. It's heartbreaking and isolating... So thankful it is coming out into the light. I would love to buy multiple copies of your book and pass it on to the hurting. Blessings over you for your time and effort in writing this. Jodi (South Island NZ)