This one comes across as a bit of a black pill and I'm not saying its not worth trying, just that approaches need to take into account the group dynamics that act to counter naïvely framed communications likely to trigger defense mechanisms. A major part of the series is concerned with uncovering and explaining to parents and others affected by the ideology how these traps work.
I also don’t know if my estranged children are part of an online group. Because they left to intern in a church ministry, I’ve been looking at the belief system itself and suspecting a cult, reading the works of Steven Hassan, Rick Ross and Robert J Lifton. Although I have found doctrinal differences, nothing rises to the level of cult devotion. It’s more like the abandonment of orthodoxy for secularization and pursuit of popularity. The organization has moved from true faith to peddling feel-good philosophy as a business. They make a lot of money with slick presentations and performances.
With this article ( no. 44), I’m beginning to think the Estrangement Ideology is the cult because of their requirement for all interns and employees to attend regular therapy. This would explain why when one child left the church, she wasn’t cut off by her brother. She left, then came home here for a holiday, instigated an argument with us and went back to her brother with evidence of ‘abuse’ and was accepted with open arms because she held to the Estrangement Ideology rather than his church.
Estrangement Ideology is the cult doctrine. It makes a lot of sense. I have to ponder this idea some more. So much is intertwined. The group is very therapy speech and feelings oriented. Their main product seems to be motivational slogans and pop like music.
We were bewildered and shocked by each of their abrupt estrangements. It’s been almost 8 and 9 years and I’m still trying to put the puzzle of what happened together. This article is a key piece to a whole section of the puzzle. I may never complete it. When they go no contact, some pieces are unattainable.
I know that I'll never feel the same love towards my ED that I used to feel. She has treated me terribly and accused me of awful things that aren't true. I'll never fully trust her again. The thing I grieve is the unconditional love I used to feel for her.
Yours is not an unusual reaction, and very understandable. I have wondered if the estranged children are surprised when they find out that they are not welcomed back, whenever they please. I rather expect they are. But that too will validate something awful about the parent.
I honestly don’t know if my son is a participant in these online estrangement groups. He has definitely used some of the lexicon such as gaslighting and manipulation with me. I know he was a victim of a strong campaign by his father to paint me as a bad person and I’m sad he suffered that. However I didn’t survive a horrific childhood and marriage for him to become my next abuser.
Hi Jamie, Alienation is a significant factor to consider. Apart from one parent alienating against the other, the dynamics of the online groups and therapy culture can be seen to be acting in much the same way.
The question I have is, why? Why is this happening right now and who exactly is behind it all? What is the objective? So far, no one has been able to answer the "why?", the "who?" and the ultimate objectives. I have my own thoughts but I would very much like to know your thoughts. This article is spot on - you are very well versed in this subject matter. Thank you for your insights and important work here.
There is no one answer to the question of why estrangement is seemingly turning into an epidemic now or who is exactly behind it, although family dynamics have seen massive changes in the last 80 years or so. Rachel Haack's recent article on cultural subversion based on Yuri Bezmenov's revelations offers one window, which seems to build on the critique of the Frankfurt School's thinking about patriarchy and power relations underpinning the capitalist state. At ground level, these decisions are made on an individual basis of younger people perceiving real or constructed harms and responding by withdrawing from family. Of course that has always happened, some have joined the army or navy (as my own Grandfather did at age 16), or migrated across the world as they did in sailing ships in the 1800s and 1900's. The new socially mediated estrangement phenomenon seems something different and perhaps be seen as an extension of the victim culture that invades our society on a number of different dimensions, some of which overlap. To a certain degree, it also reflects the economic and social pressures that have been visited on our societies since the start of the 1980s. Families have been separated by distance as people move for education and employment, real wages have progressively fallen and debt has been foisted on young people through astronomical student loans and the idea of owning a house has receded into a mere fantasy for many younger people. Meanwhile, we—particularly the younger generations—are bombarded with fear narratives about supposedly existential threats like climate changes, devastating pandemics, nuclear war and even alien invasions. All of this is designed to polarise and render the population inert while the elites get ever more of the wealth and power. Social media helps formalise the ideation of estrangement as a morally justified and even mature solution to the distress arising from family conflict. This latter aspect is the core subject of my investigations into the phenomenon.
So incredibly well written. You and your work are so important and I for one, am truly grateful. I’m so sorry that you (and all of us) are all going through these gut-wrenching experiences. I pray regularly and have begun to see some political, societal and yes, spiritual indicators that tell me, there is an increased awareness of this epidemic that has infiltrated our society/country. It may be too late for our kids, but at least we may be able to save future generations and families from this heartbreak. Thank you so much for your incredible work. I am so fortunate to have come across your writings. God bless you.
Thank you, thank you for this series of articles! I have found them to be very enlightening and helpful.
I am 2 1/2 years into my second estrangement from my 46-year-old daughter (her choice), and, by default, my grandson, 7. The first estrangement lasted 1 1/2 years. Both have been incredibly painful, but not seeing my GS makes this time even more difficult.
I belong to a FaceBook group for estranged parents. Nearly every person in the group - over 6,000 - are baffled and asking why.
I think your articles would be of interest to many parents in this group. Is it okay for me to let them know about your articles?
Hi Shan, I feel for your pain. Yes, of course you may refer otters in the group to my articles. I'm still learning a lot about the subject but hope others can benefit from my explorations.Kind regards
I know a couple whose son was starting to estrange. The parents disagrred about what to do, the mother feeling that unconditional support and tolerance would smooth the growing rift and the father feeling that they needed to withdraw until the son and his wife cooled off. That was when I heard the son complain, all in the same breath, that his mother was driving him nuts, being endlessly underfoot but his father, the oblivious bastard, had not even called in six weeks. So it turned out that both approaches were offensive.
Yes, another double bind. Same with the No Contact rules where if a parent makes contact they are violating boundaries, but if they respect they are accused of not even trying and never cared for the child at all.
So, if you’re a parent in this situation, or a sibling like me, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t (as the saying goes).
This one comes across as a bit of a black pill and I'm not saying its not worth trying, just that approaches need to take into account the group dynamics that act to counter naïvely framed communications likely to trigger defense mechanisms. A major part of the series is concerned with uncovering and explaining to parents and others affected by the ideology how these traps work.
Thank you very much for doing so. It’s been very helpful for my understanding of my family’s dynamics.
I also don’t know if my estranged children are part of an online group. Because they left to intern in a church ministry, I’ve been looking at the belief system itself and suspecting a cult, reading the works of Steven Hassan, Rick Ross and Robert J Lifton. Although I have found doctrinal differences, nothing rises to the level of cult devotion. It’s more like the abandonment of orthodoxy for secularization and pursuit of popularity. The organization has moved from true faith to peddling feel-good philosophy as a business. They make a lot of money with slick presentations and performances.
With this article ( no. 44), I’m beginning to think the Estrangement Ideology is the cult because of their requirement for all interns and employees to attend regular therapy. This would explain why when one child left the church, she wasn’t cut off by her brother. She left, then came home here for a holiday, instigated an argument with us and went back to her brother with evidence of ‘abuse’ and was accepted with open arms because she held to the Estrangement Ideology rather than his church.
Estrangement Ideology is the cult doctrine. It makes a lot of sense. I have to ponder this idea some more. So much is intertwined. The group is very therapy speech and feelings oriented. Their main product seems to be motivational slogans and pop like music.
We were bewildered and shocked by each of their abrupt estrangements. It’s been almost 8 and 9 years and I’m still trying to put the puzzle of what happened together. This article is a key piece to a whole section of the puzzle. I may never complete it. When they go no contact, some pieces are unattainable.
Thank you for this puzzle piece.
I know that I'll never feel the same love towards my ED that I used to feel. She has treated me terribly and accused me of awful things that aren't true. I'll never fully trust her again. The thing I grieve is the unconditional love I used to feel for her.
The loss of trust is hard to process and not something easily recovered from.
Yours is not an unusual reaction, and very understandable. I have wondered if the estranged children are surprised when they find out that they are not welcomed back, whenever they please. I rather expect they are. But that too will validate something awful about the parent.
Your words reflect my own experience and feelings with my own ED. I'm so sorry, Martha.
I honestly don’t know if my son is a participant in these online estrangement groups. He has definitely used some of the lexicon such as gaslighting and manipulation with me. I know he was a victim of a strong campaign by his father to paint me as a bad person and I’m sad he suffered that. However I didn’t survive a horrific childhood and marriage for him to become my next abuser.
Hi Jamie, Alienation is a significant factor to consider. Apart from one parent alienating against the other, the dynamics of the online groups and therapy culture can be seen to be acting in much the same way.
Perfect! We’re always walking on eggshells , never really knowing what to do! So annoying…
The question I have is, why? Why is this happening right now and who exactly is behind it all? What is the objective? So far, no one has been able to answer the "why?", the "who?" and the ultimate objectives. I have my own thoughts but I would very much like to know your thoughts. This article is spot on - you are very well versed in this subject matter. Thank you for your insights and important work here.
There is no one answer to the question of why estrangement is seemingly turning into an epidemic now or who is exactly behind it, although family dynamics have seen massive changes in the last 80 years or so. Rachel Haack's recent article on cultural subversion based on Yuri Bezmenov's revelations offers one window, which seems to build on the critique of the Frankfurt School's thinking about patriarchy and power relations underpinning the capitalist state. At ground level, these decisions are made on an individual basis of younger people perceiving real or constructed harms and responding by withdrawing from family. Of course that has always happened, some have joined the army or navy (as my own Grandfather did at age 16), or migrated across the world as they did in sailing ships in the 1800s and 1900's. The new socially mediated estrangement phenomenon seems something different and perhaps be seen as an extension of the victim culture that invades our society on a number of different dimensions, some of which overlap. To a certain degree, it also reflects the economic and social pressures that have been visited on our societies since the start of the 1980s. Families have been separated by distance as people move for education and employment, real wages have progressively fallen and debt has been foisted on young people through astronomical student loans and the idea of owning a house has receded into a mere fantasy for many younger people. Meanwhile, we—particularly the younger generations—are bombarded with fear narratives about supposedly existential threats like climate changes, devastating pandemics, nuclear war and even alien invasions. All of this is designed to polarise and render the population inert while the elites get ever more of the wealth and power. Social media helps formalise the ideation of estrangement as a morally justified and even mature solution to the distress arising from family conflict. This latter aspect is the core subject of my investigations into the phenomenon.
So incredibly well written. You and your work are so important and I for one, am truly grateful. I’m so sorry that you (and all of us) are all going through these gut-wrenching experiences. I pray regularly and have begun to see some political, societal and yes, spiritual indicators that tell me, there is an increased awareness of this epidemic that has infiltrated our society/country. It may be too late for our kids, but at least we may be able to save future generations and families from this heartbreak. Thank you so much for your incredible work. I am so fortunate to have come across your writings. God bless you.
Thank you, thank you for this series of articles! I have found them to be very enlightening and helpful.
I am 2 1/2 years into my second estrangement from my 46-year-old daughter (her choice), and, by default, my grandson, 7. The first estrangement lasted 1 1/2 years. Both have been incredibly painful, but not seeing my GS makes this time even more difficult.
I belong to a FaceBook group for estranged parents. Nearly every person in the group - over 6,000 - are baffled and asking why.
I think your articles would be of interest to many parents in this group. Is it okay for me to let them know about your articles?
Thank you.
Hi Shan, I feel for your pain. Yes, of course you may refer otters in the group to my articles. I'm still learning a lot about the subject but hope others can benefit from my explorations.Kind regards
I know a couple whose son was starting to estrange. The parents disagrred about what to do, the mother feeling that unconditional support and tolerance would smooth the growing rift and the father feeling that they needed to withdraw until the son and his wife cooled off. That was when I heard the son complain, all in the same breath, that his mother was driving him nuts, being endlessly underfoot but his father, the oblivious bastard, had not even called in six weeks. So it turned out that both approaches were offensive.
Yes, another double bind. Same with the No Contact rules where if a parent makes contact they are violating boundaries, but if they respect they are accused of not even trying and never cared for the child at all.