As an eleven-year follower of Dr. Coleman -- his books and his internationally popular FB site -- I was at first encouraged that he had a prescribed method for mending the rift with estranged children. He recommends taking full responsibility and apologizing for any perceived slight, even when accusations seem utterly baseless. He teaches parents may "have blind spots," and almost any sacrifice and embarassment may be worth it to get your relationship back. He coaches parents to avoid any hint of explanation or defense and just be willing to listen and learn from the child's perspective.
His approach, he said, was based on what he had to do to reconcile with his own daughter. But in reading other parents' posts, it became obvious that his method fails much more often than it works. And gradually it became apparent that some of these estrangers are stunningly cruel, even persistently malicious. Many are willing to abruptly sever their own children's relationships with loving grandparents.
At that point I thought that Dr. Coleman's formerly-estranged daughter may be a far more reasonable person than what most of his followers are dealing with. I, of course, followed his process to the letter and, like most other parents, my hear-felt efforts were used as proof of my toxic and malevolent nature.
Now, as sorry as I am to see that this Breakaway cult has tried to damage the professional reputation and impune the character of a fine psychologist who was once sympathetic to their position, perhaps it gives Dr. Coleman and others in the field a more accurate picture of what this group is about. And that may be what's needed to expose this culture for what it is.
I believe Dr. Coleman greatly appreciates your perspective.
I have the thought of an exercise that would be interesting. How about taking the tenets, rules and principles and applying it all with parents as the victims. You do touch on the idea in parts 21,22, and 32 but mostly in part 6. I feel it might be a revealing exercise to expose the emotional abuse, manipulation and harm we have experienced by these adult children. Especially if it is framed in their own language. Interesting possibility now that you have given us the scaffolding to use.
Thanks Karri. It's an interesting idea, although I'm not sure it helps people to think of themselves as victims—seems to me that's a big part of what is driving and sustaining the estrangement movement. I am planning one or two more articles digging into the history and development of the ideological formation of estrangement as we see it today. After that some consideration of whereto next; how do we take what we have learned and do something positive in our lives? Keen for ideas!
You are absolutely right. I wasn’t thinking of perpetuating the victim mentality but using the lingo to speak to the estranged. I missed that step in my short comment. You have uncovered their language. It’s helpful to know how to use it to make ourselves understood. Well those of us who still have any way of reaching out.
We have been the receiving end of no contact almost 9 years. I’m not overwhelmed if I see a picture on social media anymore. It’s like catching a magazine photo of some actor I used to follow in the 80s. Interesting to see what they look like now and the children they have, but ultimately no consequence to my life.
I have read his books and also Shari Mcgregor. I think there is such a dynamic shift in how parents and children are raised today. Communication styles, parenting styles. My parents were not at all my events and not over affectionate. Today, our generation of boomers has tried to be involved and indulging. But marriages crumble, kids text and isolate with music and games, and social media. 30% is estimated to be alienated today. I think blaming one or the other is not productive nor is no contact. There is no attempts of conflict resolution. Both sides lose.
Not surprising. These EC are angry hateful people who are so caught up in their ideology and reinforcing it, they’ve lost all ability to empathize and love. All they know is what they see in the mirror.
Everyone is disposable. If they can discard their own parents, and hold grudges forever, they can dump anyone. They have no authentic connection to anyone. They’re just empty shells, who bear no resemblance to happy, well adjusted young adults who have good relationships. I feel sorry for them.
I’ve just started reading some of your articles, and I very much believe in Dr. Coleman’s approach to estrangement. I have read his books, taking his webinars and I am grateful that he has helped me to save my relationship with my son. I’m not sure what your article is trying to say, I’m gonna have to read it again and maybe a third time, but are you stating that Dr. Coleman’s work is negative? Because if that’s the case, I completely disagree, he has helped myself and so many others, and he is Not only on the side of the parent, he takes everything into consideration, including the adult child! I’m feeling a little defensive if you are putting him down in this article, like I said, I need to read it again because I’m trying to make sense of it. Just know that when Dr. Coleman talks about an arrangement, he is not including the adult children that has been abused. He is talking about the epidemic of adult children that are influenced by social media and even “bad” therapists that are encouraging estrangement instead of working things out. Again, I don’t know where your article was going. It’s very confusing to me, but without Dr. Coleman, I don’t know where I would be. I now have a relationship with my son!
Hi Rose, I'm saying the Breakaway article, which presents as a guide to media reporters warning them about Dr Coleman, is actually a defensive measure against his stance that estranged relationships can be repaired. My article deconstructs the underlying fears this reveals in terms of how his position threatens their narrative.
Thank you for explaining, I know I got a little defensive, but Dr. Coleman has helped me and my situation so much in so many ways that he doesn’t even realize, thank you for explaining, I truly appreciate it
Not sure how you got so confused about the context and reason for this important article, but I think if you slow down and reread you will be amazed by your misunderstanding. Congrats on your family coming back together. But let's not forgot how often Josh explains, that even with perfect amends letters, cautious reaching out etc reconciliation is often far from our reach. Remember Josh comments on social media about Steven's insightful articles.
Yes, you’re correct, I did read the article too fast and like I said, got very defensive, I read it again and I do see the point of the article, I apologize for my quick reaction. It’s just that he has helped me so much and I took some of the Words wrong, again I apologize and thank you for clarifying.
Totally understand. Believe me. Nothing has made me more unsettled than the destruction of our loving family. I have spent so much time and energy just trying to find solid ground and acceptance. Josh helped me too. Hugs to you!
As an eleven-year follower of Dr. Coleman -- his books and his internationally popular FB site -- I was at first encouraged that he had a prescribed method for mending the rift with estranged children. He recommends taking full responsibility and apologizing for any perceived slight, even when accusations seem utterly baseless. He teaches parents may "have blind spots," and almost any sacrifice and embarassment may be worth it to get your relationship back. He coaches parents to avoid any hint of explanation or defense and just be willing to listen and learn from the child's perspective.
His approach, he said, was based on what he had to do to reconcile with his own daughter. But in reading other parents' posts, it became obvious that his method fails much more often than it works. And gradually it became apparent that some of these estrangers are stunningly cruel, even persistently malicious. Many are willing to abruptly sever their own children's relationships with loving grandparents.
At that point I thought that Dr. Coleman's formerly-estranged daughter may be a far more reasonable person than what most of his followers are dealing with. I, of course, followed his process to the letter and, like most other parents, my hear-felt efforts were used as proof of my toxic and malevolent nature.
Now, as sorry as I am to see that this Breakaway cult has tried to damage the professional reputation and impune the character of a fine psychologist who was once sympathetic to their position, perhaps it gives Dr. Coleman and others in the field a more accurate picture of what this group is about. And that may be what's needed to expose this culture for what it is.
very well said.
I believe Dr. Coleman greatly appreciates your perspective.
I have the thought of an exercise that would be interesting. How about taking the tenets, rules and principles and applying it all with parents as the victims. You do touch on the idea in parts 21,22, and 32 but mostly in part 6. I feel it might be a revealing exercise to expose the emotional abuse, manipulation and harm we have experienced by these adult children. Especially if it is framed in their own language. Interesting possibility now that you have given us the scaffolding to use.
Thanks Karri. It's an interesting idea, although I'm not sure it helps people to think of themselves as victims—seems to me that's a big part of what is driving and sustaining the estrangement movement. I am planning one or two more articles digging into the history and development of the ideological formation of estrangement as we see it today. After that some consideration of whereto next; how do we take what we have learned and do something positive in our lives? Keen for ideas!
You are absolutely right. I wasn’t thinking of perpetuating the victim mentality but using the lingo to speak to the estranged. I missed that step in my short comment. You have uncovered their language. It’s helpful to know how to use it to make ourselves understood. Well those of us who still have any way of reaching out.
We have been the receiving end of no contact almost 9 years. I’m not overwhelmed if I see a picture on social media anymore. It’s like catching a magazine photo of some actor I used to follow in the 80s. Interesting to see what they look like now and the children they have, but ultimately no consequence to my life.
I have read his books and also Shari Mcgregor. I think there is such a dynamic shift in how parents and children are raised today. Communication styles, parenting styles. My parents were not at all my events and not over affectionate. Today, our generation of boomers has tried to be involved and indulging. But marriages crumble, kids text and isolate with music and games, and social media. 30% is estimated to be alienated today. I think blaming one or the other is not productive nor is no contact. There is no attempts of conflict resolution. Both sides lose.
Not surprising. These EC are angry hateful people who are so caught up in their ideology and reinforcing it, they’ve lost all ability to empathize and love. All they know is what they see in the mirror.
Everyone is disposable. If they can discard their own parents, and hold grudges forever, they can dump anyone. They have no authentic connection to anyone. They’re just empty shells, who bear no resemblance to happy, well adjusted young adults who have good relationships. I feel sorry for them.
I’ve just started reading some of your articles, and I very much believe in Dr. Coleman’s approach to estrangement. I have read his books, taking his webinars and I am grateful that he has helped me to save my relationship with my son. I’m not sure what your article is trying to say, I’m gonna have to read it again and maybe a third time, but are you stating that Dr. Coleman’s work is negative? Because if that’s the case, I completely disagree, he has helped myself and so many others, and he is Not only on the side of the parent, he takes everything into consideration, including the adult child! I’m feeling a little defensive if you are putting him down in this article, like I said, I need to read it again because I’m trying to make sense of it. Just know that when Dr. Coleman talks about an arrangement, he is not including the adult children that has been abused. He is talking about the epidemic of adult children that are influenced by social media and even “bad” therapists that are encouraging estrangement instead of working things out. Again, I don’t know where your article was going. It’s very confusing to me, but without Dr. Coleman, I don’t know where I would be. I now have a relationship with my son!
Hi Rose, I'm saying the Breakaway article, which presents as a guide to media reporters warning them about Dr Coleman, is actually a defensive measure against his stance that estranged relationships can be repaired. My article deconstructs the underlying fears this reveals in terms of how his position threatens their narrative.
Thank you for explaining, I know I got a little defensive, but Dr. Coleman has helped me and my situation so much in so many ways that he doesn’t even realize, thank you for explaining, I truly appreciate it
Not sure how you got so confused about the context and reason for this important article, but I think if you slow down and reread you will be amazed by your misunderstanding. Congrats on your family coming back together. But let's not forgot how often Josh explains, that even with perfect amends letters, cautious reaching out etc reconciliation is often far from our reach. Remember Josh comments on social media about Steven's insightful articles.
Yes, you’re correct, I did read the article too fast and like I said, got very defensive, I read it again and I do see the point of the article, I apologize for my quick reaction. It’s just that he has helped me so much and I took some of the Words wrong, again I apologize and thank you for clarifying.
Totally understand. Believe me. Nothing has made me more unsettled than the destruction of our loving family. I have spent so much time and energy just trying to find solid ground and acceptance. Josh helped me too. Hugs to you!
Steven, to what do you attribute the Breakaway site's disappearance?
It appears Breakaway is back
I don't know, but the timing and some other features applied are suggestive.