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Henry Capobianco's avatar

As an eleven-year follower of Dr. Coleman -- his books and his internationally popular FB site -- I was at first encouraged that he had a prescribed method for mending the rift with estranged children. He recommends taking full responsibility and apologizing for any perceived slight, even when accusations seem utterly baseless. He teaches parents may "have blind spots," and almost any sacrifice and embarassment may be worth it to get your relationship back. He coaches parents to avoid any hint of explanation or defense and just be willing to listen and learn from the child's perspective.

His approach, he said, was based on what he had to do to reconcile with his own daughter. But in reading other parents' posts, it became obvious that his method fails much more often than it works. And gradually it became apparent that some of these estrangers are stunningly cruel, even persistently malicious. Many are willing to abruptly sever their own children's relationships with loving grandparents.

At that point I thought that Dr. Coleman's formerly-estranged daughter may be a far more reasonable person than what most of his followers are dealing with. I, of course, followed his process to the letter and, like most other parents, my hear-felt efforts were used as proof of my toxic and malevolent nature.

Now, as sorry as I am to see that this Breakaway cult has tried to damage the professional reputation and impune the character of a fine psychologist who was once sympathetic to their position, perhaps it gives Dr. Coleman and others in the field a more accurate picture of what this group is about. And that may be what's needed to expose this culture for what it is.

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Karri Gregor's avatar

I believe Dr. Coleman greatly appreciates your perspective.

I have the thought of an exercise that would be interesting. How about taking the tenets, rules and principles and applying it all with parents as the victims. You do touch on the idea in parts 21,22, and 32 but mostly in part 6. I feel it might be a revealing exercise to expose the emotional abuse, manipulation and harm we have experienced by these adult children. Especially if it is framed in their own language. Interesting possibility now that you have given us the scaffolding to use.

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