I don’t even think it’s “cold” violence - shunning/estrangement/NC is extremely emotionally violent . Anyone whose ever heard of Mean Girls at school doing this ti one of their own knows this- and yet parents going thru this are seen as deserving of emotional violence. We have to start discussing with actual words that frame this experience appropriately - NC isn’t No Contact - its not estrangement - this is shunning , and emotionally violent . I’m actually a bit scared of my daughter now - because of her behavior. I sense that she’s really emotionally unhealthy and I stopped all efforts to contact her. I really don’t know if I could resume a relationship with her after 6 yrs of this - because I cannot trust her, and I think she’s emotionally violent and cruel. Any way, I’d like to stop discussing in a way that sanitizes or white washes very Ill behavior on the part of the adult child.
Loss of trust is a fundamental issue. We are feeling this too and have started thinking of how to ensure we are protected by people we DO trust in the event we become ill or have a serious accident that means we are unable to make decisions. Sad to say, we just don't feel our children would have our best interests at heart or respect our wishes on medical or other decisions. Breaks my heart to write these words, but that is the truth of it!
Your points are spot-on. Shunning is emotional violence, and we as parents need to speak to this truth. Some may be reluctant to call it what it is for fear of their estranged adult children escalating the abusive treatment—weaponizing grandchildren, for example, or exacting financial harm. For myself, I am done with walking on eggshells with my two estranged children. And like you, I don’t know if I can ever again fully trust them, if they should want to reconcile. I will always love who they were, but I don’t know them anymore.
Steven I want to commend you on your ability to put this together and write such truths in an unbelievably validating way for me and my thoughts and feelings-thankyou from the bottom of my broken heart.
Even if and that’s a big if, my child accepted the requisite groveling and apologies demanded I will never be vulnerable again with him. All trust has been destroyed. He has not just been Cold, he’s been very cruel and punishing. I agree Kris, cold violence/estrangement doesn’t adequately depict the level of emotional violence perpetrated.
I belong to a group for estranged parents on Facebook. A few weeks ago someone shared a link to this series of yours, and I began delving into the articles. Today I shared with the group some excerpts to a few of your earlier articles, along with links. The response from group members has been extraordinary—so many people expressing relief and gratitude for what you’ve written. We have suffered too long under the silent treatment from our estranged adult children—not knowing what we did wrong (but believing we must be guilty of something, for why else would they treat us this way?), desperate to make it right, grieving the loss of these loved ones who are still alive. In exposing the truth of the estrangement cult, you have freed us from an unjust and impossible burden. I believe the tide is turning: Even if our children are not restored to us, we can reclaim our own lives. Thank you. 🙏
Hi Freida, I'm delighted others are finding understanding and resilience—if not solace—in the articles. Yes, I feel deeply that the tide may be turning as more people recognise the harms of this ideology and movement, and come to understand how it works and what supports it. More writers and even some therapists with integrity are taking up the cause. We all need to call out what is happening on so many of the fronts that assault us personally and civil society these days. Your words mean a lot.
Steve, thank you so much for your series. I’m only halfway through it, and I feel incredibly grateful for you putting all this together for us parents who, in our own ways, suffer from this trauma of estrangement due to the capture of ideology. My story is similar to many others, and your research and perspective have provided a clearer understanding of my situation than any other resource I’ve found so far on my journey.
I don’t even think it’s “cold” violence - shunning/estrangement/NC is extremely emotionally violent . Anyone whose ever heard of Mean Girls at school doing this ti one of their own knows this- and yet parents going thru this are seen as deserving of emotional violence. We have to start discussing with actual words that frame this experience appropriately - NC isn’t No Contact - its not estrangement - this is shunning , and emotionally violent . I’m actually a bit scared of my daughter now - because of her behavior. I sense that she’s really emotionally unhealthy and I stopped all efforts to contact her. I really don’t know if I could resume a relationship with her after 6 yrs of this - because I cannot trust her, and I think she’s emotionally violent and cruel. Any way, I’d like to stop discussing in a way that sanitizes or white washes very Ill behavior on the part of the adult child.
Loss of trust is a fundamental issue. We are feeling this too and have started thinking of how to ensure we are protected by people we DO trust in the event we become ill or have a serious accident that means we are unable to make decisions. Sad to say, we just don't feel our children would have our best interests at heart or respect our wishes on medical or other decisions. Breaks my heart to write these words, but that is the truth of it!
I view NC as a sanitized word for ghosting,a behavior dating partners use to cut off the other. It is painful and immature.
Your points are spot-on. Shunning is emotional violence, and we as parents need to speak to this truth. Some may be reluctant to call it what it is for fear of their estranged adult children escalating the abusive treatment—weaponizing grandchildren, for example, or exacting financial harm. For myself, I am done with walking on eggshells with my two estranged children. And like you, I don’t know if I can ever again fully trust them, if they should want to reconcile. I will always love who they were, but I don’t know them anymore.
"...I don’t know them anymore" What more can one say?
Steven I want to commend you on your ability to put this together and write such truths in an unbelievably validating way for me and my thoughts and feelings-thankyou from the bottom of my broken heart.
You are more than welcome. Thank you for your kind words.
Even if and that’s a big if, my child accepted the requisite groveling and apologies demanded I will never be vulnerable again with him. All trust has been destroyed. He has not just been Cold, he’s been very cruel and punishing. I agree Kris, cold violence/estrangement doesn’t adequately depict the level of emotional violence perpetrated.
I belong to a group for estranged parents on Facebook. A few weeks ago someone shared a link to this series of yours, and I began delving into the articles. Today I shared with the group some excerpts to a few of your earlier articles, along with links. The response from group members has been extraordinary—so many people expressing relief and gratitude for what you’ve written. We have suffered too long under the silent treatment from our estranged adult children—not knowing what we did wrong (but believing we must be guilty of something, for why else would they treat us this way?), desperate to make it right, grieving the loss of these loved ones who are still alive. In exposing the truth of the estrangement cult, you have freed us from an unjust and impossible burden. I believe the tide is turning: Even if our children are not restored to us, we can reclaim our own lives. Thank you. 🙏
Hi Freida, I'm delighted others are finding understanding and resilience—if not solace—in the articles. Yes, I feel deeply that the tide may be turning as more people recognise the harms of this ideology and movement, and come to understand how it works and what supports it. More writers and even some therapists with integrity are taking up the cause. We all need to call out what is happening on so many of the fronts that assault us personally and civil society these days. Your words mean a lot.
I experienced NC as unexpressed rage. Very rarely are parents informed of when and why.The adult child seeks to punish in many cases.
Steve, thank you so much for your series. I’m only halfway through it, and I feel incredibly grateful for you putting all this together for us parents who, in our own ways, suffer from this trauma of estrangement due to the capture of ideology. My story is similar to many others, and your research and perspective have provided a clearer understanding of my situation than any other resource I’ve found so far on my journey.