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Henry Capobianco's avatar

I just saw on Instagram (1) A young woman complaining at length about how, when she was a child, her parents made her finish her plate and drink her milk before she could leave the table. She said that by that time her milk wasn't cold anymore and that's terrible, so her parents put ice cubes in it, and that's worse, and that's why she hates milk to this day, and why are parents such monsters? With one exception,all the comments agreed that parents are total monsters who gaslight and refuse to apologize for the trauma they inflicted.

(2) A regular channel called DailyTay, is a pretty clever spoof by a mother and daughter, making fun of the generation differences in parenting style . The daughter plays a neurotic and controlling first-time mom with a million rules and her mom plays the clueless Gen-Something grandmother. A good portion of the commenters do not get that this is a comedy sketch and they defend the young mom and urge her to hold her boundaries and to punish the grandmother with total cut-off.

This is wild. The distortion is deeply alarming.

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Christine B's avatar

I'm always trying to figure out the "why" in all of this. Although therapists have certainly had a hand in cultivating and perpetuating the narcissistic parent narrative and estrangement ideology, what was the origination point of it all? Social media? Entertainment culture? Helicopter parenting? Political ideology? All of it? Because while I would love to have the conversation and take responsibility for my part in my estrangement situation, this is way bigger than a generation being "imperfect" parents.

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laura's avatar

the demise of the family and social norms, think communism

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Tamara Lester's avatar

I would like to think it’s that simple, but even in communist countries estrangement is unthinkable. Think China.

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laura's avatar

The tyranny of the CCP assigns familial roles to its citizens, rural vs urban family life is quite different. Generations live together out of necessity. It was only 60 years ago that kids publicly denounced parents sentencing them to death under the repressive Mao regime. One cannot compare Western culture with communism without acknowledging the repressive state controlled social order.

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Steven Howard's avatar

It's worth reviewing my article on Elder Abuse, which includes a discussion on what the Chinese call "cold violence". Urbanisation is an influence, but also lingering consequences of the disastrous one child policy, which left one child responsible for the parents. Also, children migrated to cities to work in the factories. I've not been to China, but understand itvhas these unresolved intergenerational tensions as well.

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Samantha Stein's avatar

I've been reading your articles and they are excellent. I very much appreciate your thinking and analysis. Another book that's very similar to this and wildly popular currently is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson. Emotionally Immature seems code for narcissistic.

Another things I've seen with growing alarm is an uptick in young therapists who ascribe to the type of "diagnosing" and estrangement ideology you've described. Even recommending these books. I believe this is so damaging to their clients and is painful to witness.

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Karri Gregor's avatar

Have you read Rachel Haak’s analysis of Gibson’s book?

https://substack.com/@rachelhaackmamfti/note/p-159656222?r=5c0w9h&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action

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Samantha Stein's avatar

Thank you that's a great article

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Steven Howard's avatar

Yes, very good it is too!

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Steven Howard's avatar

Thanks Samantha, There seem to be lots of books on these topics, all pathologising parents and encouraging pseudo-diagnosis based on quizzes and questions without any credible scientific basis. For a therapist to diagnose people they have not even seen is a highly suspect activity ethics-wise.

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Samantha Stein's avatar

Agreed

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Liz White's avatar

"The Courage to Heal" repeat, dangerous!

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Raeleen Mautner, Ph.D.'s avatar

Thank you, Steven, your posts are so thoughtful and well-researched. I hope you will gather them up into a book someday; if so, I have a feeling it would become a best-seller, as the current state of the argument is heavily unbalanced.

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woods dweller's avatar

Another remarkably insightful article, Steven!

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