Estrangement Ideology – Part 6. A Subtle Form of Elder Abuse

What relationship does Estrangement Ideology have to the Chinese concept of "cold violence" and does it amount to elder abuse by another name?

This is the sixth in a series of articles concerning Estrangement Ideology. Key concepts are introduced in Part 1. Tenets, Goals and Methods; Part 2. Transgressions, Moral Certitude and Traditional Values; and Part 3. The One-Sided Path to Redemption. Other parts can be found here.

While writing Part 5. of this series, I came across an article “‘Cold violence’ identified as subtle but painful form of elder abuse” on New Zealand’s 1News channel and added a reference to both the article and the WHO’s definition of elder abuse as part of the discussion about the contractions and hypocrisies related to Tenet 5: Rejection of Traditional Family Obligations, which posits that:

“Family relationships are no longer viewed as inherently valuable or unconditional but as contingent on mutual respect, emotional safety and shared values. Estrangement challenges the traditional view that familial bonds are lifelong and inviolable. Cultural shifts reframe intergenerational responsibilities—such as caring for parents in old age—as optional rather than obligatory.”

The 1News article, which was a reprint from The Conversation, was written by New Zealand academics Ágnes Szabó, Mary Breheny and Polly Yeung of Victoria University of Wellington and Massey University covering their research into elder abuse in New Zealand’s ex-patriate Chinese community, as reflected in their report “Cultural understandings of abuse of older people: Perspectives from the Chinese community” (15 Oct 2024).

Having taken some time to consider Szabo et al’s article and report, it is fairly obvious that there is a considerable degree of overlap between their description of elder abuse in New Zealand’s Chinese community and practices underlying Estrangement Ideology. This is particularly evident in their description of the Chinese concept of “Cold Violence”.

Additionally, while Estrangement Ideology prioritises personal well-being, as discussed in Part 5. many of its practices can be seen to align with actions and behaviours the World Health Organization (WHO) categorises as elder abuse.

WHO’s Definition of Elder Abuse

The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines elder abuse as:

“The abuse of older people, also known as elder abuse, is a single or repeated act, or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust, which causes harm or distress to an older person. This type of violence constitutes a violation of human rights and includes physical, sexual, psychological and emotional abuse; financial and material abuse; abandonment; neglect; and serious loss of dignity and respect.” [emphasis added]

Estrangement Ideology meets the definition of elder abuse as it involves repeated acts or omissions within a relationship of trust—such as the parent-child bond—that cause harm or distress to older adults. By endorsing actions like severing contact, public shaming, and pathologising parental behaviour, the ideology often leads to psychological and emotional abuse, including feelings of rejection, humiliation and grief. The neglect of relational obligations and abandonment of aging parents aligns with the neglect and material deprivation outlined in the definition.

These consequences of practices such as “No Contact”, demands for accountability and conditional restoration of contact are explicitly admitted and even celebrated by many participants of the Reddit estranged adult child forums. Indeed, these are key aspects of the culture and ideology of these forums.

Furthermore, the public airing of grievances and exposure of private correspondence on social media platforms like Reddit and Instagram constitutes a serious violation of dignity and respect—especially where the parents are identified or doxed.

The WHO’s factsheet as at June 2024 reports that:

• Around 1 in 6 people 60 years and older experienced some form of abuse in community settings during the past year

• Rates of abuse of older people are high in institutions such as nursing homes and long-term care facilities, with 2 in 3 staff reporting that they have committed abuse in the past year

• Rates of abuse of older people have increased during the COVID-19 pandemic

• Abuse of older people can lead to serious physical injuries and long-term psychological consequences

• Abuse of older people is predicted to increase as many countries are experiencing rapidly ageing populations

• The global population of people aged 60 years and older will more than double, from 900 million in 2015 to about 2 billion in 2050.

Emotional Neglect and Cold Violence

Szabo et al define the Chinese concept of “cold violence” as follows:

“Cold violence usually refers to one person in a relationship ignoring the other for a long time when they have conflicts, especially intentionally reducing verbal communication with each other (Qi, 2015). This refusal to engage with older family members and withdrawal of all contact, emotional or practical, was commonly mentioned: “It’s like they see you but act as if they don’t.” (Older participant).”

This description aligns with the Estrangement Ideology’s concepts of “No Contact” and “Low Contact” which are defined as:

• No-Contact (NC): The act of severing all communication with a family member to protect emotional well-being.

• Low Contact (LC): A strategy of maintaining minimal interaction with a family member to manage boundaries while avoiding full estrangement.

Szabo et al go on to point out that:

“Cold violence is a form of emotional abuse that occurs within care relationships. It happens when the person with more power and resources in the relationship completely and intentionally withdraws communication and emotional support for a sustained period. Cold violence is used to punish people for particular conduct or to limit their independence and freedom.”

The result of this form of abuse was experienced by the elderly as “highly destabilising” given that they depended on their adult children for daily contact and daily arrangements. These older Chinese people were left unsure how to act and had little knowledge of where or how to find alternative supports.

The concept of cold violence bears striking similarities to the practices encouraged by Estrangement Ideology, both of which involve behaviours such as blocking communication, ignoring important milestones like birthdays and withholding affection, all of which can inflict significant emotional harm. These actions create a sense of abandonment and rejection, undermining the emotional well-being of the affected individuals.

For aging parents, this withdrawal from once-close family members diminishes their sense of self-worth and reinforces feelings of isolation. For example, blocking communication denies parents the opportunity to engage in dialogue or address misunderstandings, while ignoring milestones signals a refusal to acknowledge their emotional significance in their own and their children's lives.

According to the WHO, social isolation and loneliness affect about a quarter of older people and are key risk factors for mental health conditions in later life. According to Margie Eckroth-Bucher’s article “Devious Damage: Elder Psychological Abuse” in Aging Well (Fall 2008), “Though it leaves no outward scars, elder psychological abuse exploits older adults’ vulnerabilities through cruel acts of omission or commission.”

She goes on to write:

“Psychological abuse wreaks mental anguish by means of threats, humiliation, fear, manipulation, or other cruel conduct. It can be inflicted via verbal or nonverbal communication cues. It is the systematic perpetration of malicious and explicit nonphysical acts against an elder. Examples include harassment, scolding, insults, denigration, and stalking. Perpetrators of psychological abuse against older adults often take advantage of elders’ vulnerability in ways that control or humiliate. Threatening an elder with physical punishment or the deprivation of basic needs is a particularly heinous form of this type of abuse…

Psychological neglect deprives elders of healthy mental well-being. Prolonged periods of solitude and failure to provide adequate companionship contribute to such neglect…

Although the perpetrators of psychological abuse usually blame their victims, elder abuse is associated with perpetrators’ issues related to coping effectively.” [Emphasis added]

The deliberate withholding of affection and connection, justified by adherents of Estrangement Ideology under the guise of “boundary-setting” or “self-preservation”, exacerbates feelings of being devalued and forgotten. Ultimately, despite lacking overt aggression, these behaviours undoubtedly cause profound psychological distress for many parents subjected to these regimes—especially as they age and suffer reduced financial, physical, social and cognitive abilities.

Public Shaming and Dignity Violations

Public disclosure of familial conflicts, whether in Chinese elder abuse or through platforms like Reddit under Estrangement Ideology, undermines the dignity of older individuals. These actions can amplify harm by turning private grievances into public judgments, stripping elders of respect within their community or family. For instance, Szabo et al describe examples of behaviours affecting older Chinese people involving physical confrontation, such as “throwing the old men’s luggage out” and “kicking old people out of the house.” These physical expressions of abuse may also be interpreted as a form of public shaming where the old person is visibly ejected from the premises for all to see, not so dissimilar to shaming on social media, the new public square.

As discussed in Part 5, Estrangement Ideology’s emphasis on “validating” individual grievances often contradicts its claims of ethical “boundary” enforcement, particularly when private family matters are aired publicly on platforms like Reddit. Sharing personal emails or correspondence as “evidence” of toxic behaviour not only disregards the parents’ right to privacy but actively undermines their dignity. These public disclosures expose parents to societal judgment and humiliation, stripping them of their ability to defend themselves within the same public forum. For example, adult children posting emotionally charged emails from their parents often frame them as “manipulative”, “DARVO” or lacking in “accountability”, inviting scorn and disparaging commentary that amplifies the narrative of parental toxicity without context, balance or opportunity for rebuttal.

It is clear that these practices parallel psychological abuse in elder care, where a person’s dignity and self-esteem are eroded through disrespectful or degrading actions. Public shaming of parents risks diminishing their sense of worth, creating a power imbalance that reinforces the adult child’s control over the narrative. Just as psychological abuse in elder care can isolate and emotionally harm older adults, public shaming under Estrangement Ideology risks subjecting parents to similar harm, perpetuating cycles of alienation and deepening the emotional rift in familial relationships. This represents a deeply troubling normalisation of behaviours aligning with recognised forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

Rejection of Traditional Obligations

The Confucian ideal of filial piety (xiao) is a foundational value in Chinese culture, emphasising deep care, respect and loyalty to one’s parents as both a moral duty and societal expectation. Rooted in Confucian philosophy, filial piety underscores the importance of maintaining harmonious family relationships, providing for aging parents, and upholding their dignity. Neglecting or rejecting these obligations—such as abandoning contact, withholding affection or failing to provide for parents’ needs—is seen as a violation of this principle. Such actions are viewed not only as personal failures but as breaches of societal ethics, disrupting the intergenerational support systems that underpin community stability and respect for elders.

According to Szabo et al:

“Filial piety shapes multigenerational family relationships in Chinese communities. Although older people, family carers, and practitioners all identify the importance of filial piety, the perception of it is evolving and its practice in daily life can be a source of tension. Filial piety in Chinese families in Aotearoa New Zealand reflects traditional Confucian values, lifelong expectations for care and concern, and the pressures of the Aotearoa New Zealand context. Older people are particularly concerned with withdrawal of emotional closeness called ‘cold violence’. Such withdrawal of support from adult children is profoundly destabilising for older Chinese people.”

Similarly, the Western traditional approach to family obligations has historically emphasised intergenerational support, mutual care and the intrinsic value of family bonds. Parents are seen as providers and caretakers in earlier life stages, with the expectation that adult children will reciprocate through emotional, financial or physical support as parents age. This framework values family as a foundational social unit, fostering continuity, with shared responsibility and loyalty often considered unconditional.

As discussed in Parts 1, 2 and 3, Estrangement Ideology redefines family relationships through the lens of “individualism”, prioritising “personal autonomy” and “emotional safety” over traditional obligations. It frames family ties as conditional, contingent on mutual respect and alignment of values rather than inherent worth. Where the Western traditional model emphasises duty and reconciliation, Estrangement Ideology supports severance of ties as an empowering act of self-care, challenging the expectation that family bonds are inviolable or lifelong. The ideology disrupts this reciprocity by framing family ties as contingent on individual emotional safety, leaving parents without the intergenerational safety net they may have relied upon. This rejection deepens their isolation, particularly as physical and cognitive decline make them more dependent on social and familial connections. Without the emotional and practical support traditionally provided by children, aging parents face increased risks of loneliness, neglect and diminished well-being, highlighting the broader societal implications of estrangement.

The rejection of familial obligations under both Confucian and Western traditional models leaves parents isolated and unsupported, intensifying the vulnerabilities associated with aging. Both cultural models underscore the importance of familial continuity, and their erosion exacerbates the vulnerabilities of aging individuals, undermining the social fabric that historically sustained intergenerational support.

Power Imbalances in Estranged Relationships

Power imbalances manifest differently in the Chinese experience in New Zealand and under Estrangement Ideology, yet both contexts highlight challenges related to authority, autonomy and familial roles.

As described by Szabo et al, for Chinese families in New Zealand, cultural expectations of filial piety often clash with Western individualistic norms, creating inter-generational tensions. Older Chinese immigrants, who rely on their children for language support, integration and caregiving, often find themselves in a vulnerable position. These parents may experience a loss of authority as their children adapt to modern New Zealand values. This dynamic can result in emotional neglect or marginalisation, as older parents are perceived as burdens rather than sources of wisdom or care, exacerbating their dependency and isolation.

In contrast, Estrangement Ideology in Western contexts fosters power imbalances by positioning adult children as gatekeepers of family relationships. Under this framework, children dictate the terms of interaction, often framing parents’ attempts at connection as “manipulative” or “toxic” while exempting themselves from reciprocal accountability. This dynamic allows adult children to wield significant control over the narrative and relational boundaries, sidelining parents’ perspectives and autonomy. Adding to this imbalance, adult children often assume unilateral control over reconciliation, imposing fixed demands—such as requiring parents to attend therapy or admit fault—reinforcing power dynamics that leave parents powerless to negotiate or express their perspectives.

In both the Chinese and traditional Western cases, the erosion of traditional familial authority leaves older individuals increasingly reliant on the goodwill of their children, with little recourse when relationships deteriorate. These power imbalances not only strain family dynamics but also amplify the vulnerabilities of older adults.

Conclusion

The parallels between estrangement practices and elder abuse, particularly in the context of “cold violence” and the power dynamics explored in the research of Szabo et al., underscore a troubling shift in familial relationships. Both Confucian and Western traditional models of family obligations emphasise intergenerational support and mutual care, ensuring aging parents are valued and supported.

However, Estrangement Ideology disrupts these frameworks, normalising emotional neglect and severance of ties as acts of “self-preservation.” Practices such as “No Contact”, public shaming and fixed demands for reconciliation introduce power imbalances that disproportionately disadvantage parents. By framing family ties as conditional and prioritising personal autonomy, the ideology aligns with behaviours categorised as elder abuse by the WHO, including psychological harm, neglect and violations of dignity.

The increasing normalisation of such practices amplifies the risks of isolation and vulnerability for aging individuals, challenging societal and cultural norms that historically sustained familial support and cohesion.

Part 7 will focus on the changing family power dynamics under Estrangement Ideology.

---

Note: This article was developed with assistance of ChatGPT, used as a structured analysis and writing tool. All ideas, interpretations and final outputs were authored, verified and edited by me. The model was conditioned to reflect my reasoning, not to generate content independently.